How dare I!

Hi Tracy - thinking of you and sharing your anxiety at times!  It really is a so and so,  We are strong women who are tested constantly and I still wonder why side effects are meant to be the new normal for us!  Eventually the fog will lift!
Sending you a virtual hug and saying hey we get it!
Christine xx

You are looking at least 8 months post chemo to be anything remotely stronger and back to normal. I am still not quite right but I am getting stronger every day. I have the hip thing in bed which comes and goes too. As long as it keeps going away for a while I am happy. Hopefully you have turned a corner and the new normal is on its way.

Oh Tracy,
Three years ago I had just finished my treatment. You and I have had very similar treatments. I can remember feeling exactly as you do right now. I had to go to a work Christmas party with my hubby and face many people I had not seen for all of my treatment time. I was still bald, minus one breast and still so badly burnt that I could not wear my proper prosthesis. It was so hard and I was so over the whole process. Yes, no energy, fearful of the cancer returning, still worried about my hair not growing, etc.

But I let myself cry, I gave myself time to feel all those things and then I decided to put all that anger, sadness and fear into getting myself better. That was where I got just enough energy to start building my new life. Everyday I tried to improve things just a little. For me that was what I was eating (my fuel needed to be premium) and doing exercise wise (which was absolutely nothing by the end of treatment).

I set myself very small goals, ones that I just could not fail to achieve. Achieving them gave me energy, one little bit at a time. I actually think this is when the fight really starts. The fight to not let cancer destroy the rest of your life. But it is so hard because the treatment leaves us so empty of energy. It is really tough but so are we. We survived treatment and we deserve to feel better and have a good life again.

So I hope you get clear results from that scan and then give yourself time to grieve your life before bc. Then use that anger, frustration and fear to fuel your steps towards a good (different but still good) life again. It takes time but you get there just like you have with treatment. One step, one day at a time. Oh, and make sure you celebrate every positive step you make because it is so hard. We all know that and will celebrate with you. Will be sending some positive vibes for a clear scan your way. Take care. Deanne xxx

Oh Tracy and Kath, those black days are awful and it isn't fair and they drain you and leave you exhausted and scared.    But you're right, Kath - it will get better.  The weight will come off, the nails will grow back, the pains will lessen, and the fear will fade into the background even though we never completely lose it. You are both tired out with it all.  Tracy I hope your scans and blood results are okay - your GP sounds very thorough.  Kath, it's always dreadful when someone like the teacher loses the fight, but that isn't always the case - your work and the exercise and your back are enough to cope with at the moment.  Sending a big hug to you both with a lot of understanding.  Keep fighting - we have your back.  xxx  Michelle

Oh Tracy...I had a similar  day yesterday. I was exhausted when I woke  up...had done the encore program the night before and  it wiped me. So not only do I have terrible  stiff ankles when I first get out of bed from the femera but then all my muscles ached. I akso git really out of breath during exercise and fear the heart is coping so well with the Herceptin. Tuesday I was light headed and had been to the chemo unit to check BP which was low.
 The heat has cranked  up here...and as I am still too fat to wear  my summer clothes I'm  in jeans and tops. So there I am in the spare room trying to get out my packed away clothes to see if anything  would fit (stuffed into storage areas...yes went in..but wouldn't come  out )...and nope...not yet...despite 11kg off and starving most days, nothing fits...sigh.

So in the bathroom I go...big sigh...find another chipped f..n nail...I had just filed them as short as I could and put diamond hardener on them...but oh no...it breaks  off lower again. That was it...tears flowing down my cheeks and great ugly sobs. 

So hubby says...whats up. My response . ..I'm  over it...I know I am better but I want my life back..I want energy. I want to  be able to just do the housework...and not be wiped  out by ckeaning 3 floors. I'm  working a 4 hour day 5 days a week.. and this week I am questioning if it is too much...sigh.

It didn't help that a local teacher..who was vibrant and full of life 2 months  ago had died of cancer and was front page. It hits you. I had already been thinking that morning..gee it was quick..then lucky I guess...then...no if mine comes back I'm  fighting and I want lots more time . ..then the flood comes. It is always there isn't it. The fear. It's  darn draining. Most days I pretend I'm  not tired, I pretend I'm  not scared, I believe I am cured...but those dark thoughts are not far below the surface.

And My darn back is playing up..which makes you nervous...sigh.

So Tracy...from one fighting  sister to another...I'm  hearing ya. And we all get it. I really don't think anyone  but a fellow cancer fighter can.

Take  care. It will get better. Kath x

Hi Tracy, the waiting for results is awful, and I feel for you, and remember what it is like. Cancer does leave us fearful, and it takes a while before you stop thinking every ache is cancer. I am coming up to 6 years since diagnosis, and I had a scare with a bone density scan just recently showing a dramatic loss on my hips, and pain, but it turned out to be nothing. I hope this will be the case for you. I take Femara and this caused bone pain for a year or so, but it does go away. 
Thinking of you and wishing you good news with your test results.

Chris x

Oh, I don't know what to say.....  Every one of us will be sending you positive thoughts that your new pain is nothing more than your osteo or medication.  How dare you have to worry!  You have just rung the Bell and should still be riding that wave of relief and happiness.  You are a winner Tracy and you WILL show cancer who is boss.   Sending a hug.  Jane x