Fat, Bald and Yuk!

Question

That's how I'm feeling at the moment! Day 11 of Chemo 5 and I'm still not feeling great. I should be feeling okay, because I only have 1 more chemo to go, (23rd Feb) but my mouth is still awful.
I am meeting my radiation oncologist on Wednesday, everyone tells me it's easy compared to chemo so i'm happy about that.
I went to the Ronan concert day 4 of Chemo, but had to have high dose of endone that I don't really remember much of it. My sister tells me he was great!
I can't remember what I use to be like before BC, working, gym, friends, kids. Now this thing consumes my life, I can't do that it's day 4 I'll be sick, Won't go out day 10 might catch something. I find when I do go somewhere I don't make eye contact with anyone, it's easier than seeing people stare at me. The support network is slowly dwindling. Friends want to hear the up me. Yeah i'm doing great, fighting this thing, chin up, be positive etc, etc,&nbsp; They look at me and see how tired, puffy and awful I look and it scares them. I understand that, It scares me sometimes too. I wonder am I ever going to get the old me back, because I don't know who she is.

tonyam · Answer

I soooo remember that feeling of lost identity. You catch yourself in the mirror and for a split second you don't &nbsp;recognise yourself. You can't do what you used to do cos you are feeling crap and zapped of energy.You get sick of trying to co ordinate your head gear with your clothes.And yes,you do avoid eye contact with the human race. I'm sorry you didn't feel so good for the Ronan concert- chemo really throws a wet blanket over any anticipated event. Yes,I puffed up like a blow fish and it wasn't until a year later that some friends told me how dreadful I had looked-gosh thanks for that! Penny ,you are in the miserable thick of it right now but as soon as you finish chemo you'll gradually get your old self back. I'd tell myself that ok,cancer and chemo have taken my boob,my hair,my strength but I'm damned if they'll take my personality and sense of humour.Hang onto the inner Penny and the outside one will come back later.Sending hugs.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; love Tonya xx
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

tonyam · Answer

I soooo remember that feeling of lost identity. You catch yourself in the mirror and for a split second you don't &nbsp;recognise yourself. You can't do what you used to do cos you are feeling crap and zapped of energy.You get sick of trying to co ordinate your head gear with your clothes.And yes,you do avoid eye contact with the human race. I'm sorry you didn't feel so good for the Ronan concert- chemo really throws a wet blanket over any anticipated event. Yes,I puffed up like a blow fish and it wasn't until a year later that some friends told me how dreadful I had looked-gosh thanks for that! Penny ,you are in the miserable thick of it right now but as soon as you finish chemo you'll gradually get your old self back. I'd tell myself that ok,cancer and chemo have taken my boob,my hair,my strength but I'm damned if they'll take my personality and sense of humour.Hang onto the inner Penny and the outside one will come back later.Sending hugs.
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; love Tonya xx
&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

pennyb · Answer

Thanks Tonya, I love that, you've taken my boob, hair,etc. Will keep that in mind. 
Xxx

joy_k · Answer

I know I lived from October 2010 till May 2011, but really can't remember much of this chemo, mastectomy and radiotherapy time. I just went with the flow and eventually came out the other side. Don't over analyse anything, just know "that this too, shall pass" a quote from somewhere, but my chemobrain won't let me remember where!
Be kind to yourself and be honest with your friends, some will disappoint, others will be your greatest supporters. I always looked extremely well despite feeling terrible and I got sick of everyone saying how well I looked. I learned to say "thank the steroids" or "that's not what my test results say" etc.
With love
Joy K
&nbsp;

susiefa · Answer

Oh Penny.&nbsp; Deep breath.&nbsp; As Tonya said, we've been there.&nbsp; You will be back and you will feel good again and you won't get a fright every time you glance into your reflection.&nbsp; Nothing is permanent - the feeling, the baldness, the frustration....&nbsp;&nbsp; One day, in the not too distant future, you will have moved on from this stage of your recovery.&nbsp; I remember it well and I know what you are saying about people wanting to hear from the 'up' you.&nbsp; In my case, that was actually in my head, coming from my assumption that that was how other people expected me to be.&nbsp; It took quite some time for me into my chemo&nbsp;to look at my family and friends in the eye and say "no, actually I'm, not well and I don't know how to explain it - I just feel really sick/tired/wonky."&nbsp; Hang in there, you will be back......&nbsp; :)

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