Drowning

Hi, So sorry to hear you feel like that. I was told by my surgeon to expect depression, because you have been doing things for the cancer etc. and when the chemo and radiation are over you have nothing to fight for.  Or you are doing nothing for it. He told me about a book that a cyclist wrote, but my chemo  brain has kicked in and I can't remember who it was. It's on the tip of my tongue. I just googled and think it is Lance Armstrong. I have been to a naturopath for things for depression in the past. I probably should be on something now but have turned a corner in the last few months. I haven't been as low as you though since having a mastectomy in Nov. 2009

I know how you feel, as I have had nervous breakdowns before all this happened and had to be on antidepressants. I am 55. (not saying you are having a nervous breakdown, just letting you know that I have felt this way.) You sure don't look ugly to me, and I love your smile. Maybe you should go and see a dr. or someone about it, to help you. Take one day at a time, and you will come through this, from one who has been there.

Will be thinking of you

Kay

Sorry to hear you have an attack of the miseries.You've been through alot and I think we stay strong to get ourselves through tough treatment.When it's over we kinda go to jelly and stop and think about what just happened.I have had 2 bouts of breast cancer.The first was back in 2003 and I opted for a lumpectomy,full node clearance and radiation.I was 47 and it was a shock but I thought it was a"one off".Low and behold it came back 7yrs later in the same spot.So last year had the mastectomy and chemo and am now on Tamoxifen. I got quite down last August- probably a combination of Tamoxifen and being bald for sooo long.Anyway,my oncologist put me on a very low dose antidepressant(endep 10mg).It lifted my mood,reduced the hot flushes and helped me sleep at night.It doesn't seem to give me any side effects.I'm abit like Josie- I shy away from mirrors.I hate to see myself naked with my gnarled chest scar.I call myself "bride of Frankenstein"! But once I'm dressed with my prosthesis,I forget about it. Losing a breast really knocks your self image.It's been a year now and I'm still trying to get my head around it.And then ofcourse,you think about whether the cancer might come back.Actually,it's amazing we are not all locked up in a psycho ward on tranquilizers!! You must have had to endure alot of horrible treatment to survive cancer 3 times.No wonder you feel down.But if it's 24/7 you may need to talk to your doctor.We understand how you are feeling- there is a real sisterhood on this site.We commiserate,we laugh but most of all we support each other.So jump back on here and you won't feel so alone.

                                                Tonya xx

As Tonya says it is a huge ordeal that we all go through - and it is "nut house" material.  So far, by my own admission, I have faired okay on the emotional side of things.  However today I had to "just get out of the four walls".  I went and spoke with a store owner who I know - she is making huge decisions in her work.  I was able to be distracted and was a set of ears for her.  I think I was even constructive!!!!  Even though I don't think that I will be able to return to work (too much pain and arm restrictions), I know that I still need "something" to keep me on track.    At this point I have to be very mindful of how I manage my pain as I think this could be a deciding factor that might put me "over the edge".  When I read that you have been working during chemo I thought WOW how did she do that!!!!  Sometimes I think that we try to be Superwoman.  I just want my energy back to be able to achieve things!!!!!  Please keep coming online so that we can "share" with you.  Best wishes XLeonie

As Tonya says it is a huge ordeal that we all go through - and it is "nut house" material.  So far, by my own admission, I have faired okay on the emotional side of things.  However today I had to "just get out of the four walls".  I went and spoke with a store owner who I know - she is making huge decisions in her work.  I was able to be distracted and was a set of ears for her.  I think I was even constructive!!!!  Even though I don't think that I will be able to return to work (too much pain and arm restrictions), I know that I still need "something" to keep me on track.    At this point I have to be very mindful of how I manage my pain as I think this could be a deciding factor that might put me "over the edge".  When I read that you have been working during chemo I thought WOW how did she do that!!!!  Sometimes I think that we try to be Superwoman.  I just want my energy back to be able to achieve things!!!!!  Please keep coming online so that we can "share" with you.  Best wishes XLeonie

 I have lost count of the people who said to me after I finished my chemo 'you must be so glad it's all over', except  that's when the reality of what has just happened starts to sink in- and it's terrifying at times!  The 'what if's' and  'why me's'  can consume my  thoughts and the guilt is almost a constant -guilt that my children were all that I thought about when I got my diagnosis, yet I still  crave 'time out' from them; guilt that I haven't 'found the meaning of life because I've had cancer' and life for me has carried on just as before; guilt that I have so much to live for, but all I could think about was dying.  But for me, and the people I've talked to, in time these thoughts are not thought about quite as much, and survival becomes more of a reality than a possibility. One day at a time!

So many people talk about 'the new normal' & how things are never the same after cancer. Blah blah blah. I'm sure to some extent that is true but to some extent it is not.

Why shouldn't life just go on as it did before?

I'm glad you said you hadn't found the meaning of life because of having cancer. I haven't found it either.

That's why I love this site- you are guaranteed to find at least one person who feels/ thinks the same as you! I have found that so many people expect this to have been a life-changing event, and that I will never be the same person that I was before, But for me, in reality, not much has changed at all- my children still need to be fed, the mortgage still needs to be paid, the house still needs to be cleaned, I haven't changed to some organic diet, and I still enjoy a beer- in fact, I am exactly the same as I was before I was told I had cancer, and that's why I feel guilty sometimes that I have not had some great epiphany, or have 'learnt' nothing from this whole 'journey'.

The physical effects of having cancer have been so much easier to deal with than the emotional ones!!

Suzanne I was thinking today (rather amused myself!) that in years to come they will view chemo etc with the same barbaric view as they did with blood letting by leeches and surgery without aneathetics back in the old days - with the wonders of modern science moving so fast, you have to look on the bright side - hopefully our children and their children will probably have some better forms of treatment and they will look back on us and say "How did they cope!" Brave buggers aren't we! x Josie

Hi Amadal, just an addition to your response - I have found since I have had chemo - I REALLY love the taste of beer! How crazy is that?  Not to mention a nice glass of chardy! I don't feel guilty at all - (is that a bad thing?) and nooooo! no crazy fad organic stuff for me - just sensible eating with the occasional chocolate (and funnily enough) some Boisenberry icecream thrown in - yes, my tastes have changed - but what the biggie - I'm all for a bit of 'spoiling' these days! Cheers Josie x

Wow! such a response to my cry.  Thank you all guys, I don't know why, but it makes me feel more "normal" reading your comments and knowing  I,m not the only one to be feeling this way. Although I am at this moment I'm not too bad!  After having a full on sobbing session with my Breast Care Nurse ( my angel ) she suggested I enquire about a breast reconstruction.  I did!  and I'm booked in for surgery on the 18th October 2011.  Oddly! I feel excited about this and I'm looking forward to it!!!   Still have my down days still, but I'm good!

Thank you ... JJoy /  amandaal / Allicat (all the best with your implant) /Leonie Moore / Tonya / Josie (you made me laugh so hard!) / Kay

I will continue to read these blogs, they realy do help

All the best and Yes JJoy we are brave buggars aren't we!!