Forum Discussion
Denial, disbelief or acceptance of no concerns??
I was diagnosed Feb 24th and had surgery April 1st and am starting radiation Monday 29/5 for 6 weeks, but I keep "forgetting" I have breast cancer??? Because I feel SO well its hard to remember I had surgery for breast cancer and I'm just in the holding bay for treatment. So much so Id rang to book a table at a ball recently held in June and when the people started getting back to me they all asked "Are you sure you are going to be well enough - are you sure you'll WANT to go etc". Then when I thought about it I guess it would be annoying for our friends to go along to a function Id organised and then find I didn't go. I MAY not be feeling like it.
Is it just me or do others forget and arrange stuff in this stage of PRE-treatment then have to back peddle?
My radiation was scheduled to start at the end of May so I went on a 3 night Comedy cruise with 3 girlfriends 20/5-23/5 and even they were worried how Id manage???? I was fine - in fact remarkably well and really loved the fun and laughter.
Ive not been doing my meditations and relaxations as I am feeling very happy and well.
Am I living in denial or have I blocked the reality from my mind?
I am seriously questioning my mind and my thoughts as I don't know what I should be thinking and feeling. Should I be sad and scared? Im not sure if I sit with myself and go into the fear and sadness that I won't dissolve into a flood of tears and feel miserable. But is that good for me? Isn't it better to be "up" and feeling good and happy and well?
This is unusual I suppose but I wonder if other people have experienced this at this stage of the "journey"?
Is it just me or do others forget and arrange stuff in this stage of PRE-treatment then have to back peddle?
My radiation was scheduled to start at the end of May so I went on a 3 night Comedy cruise with 3 girlfriends 20/5-23/5 and even they were worried how Id manage???? I was fine - in fact remarkably well and really loved the fun and laughter.
Ive not been doing my meditations and relaxations as I am feeling very happy and well.
Am I living in denial or have I blocked the reality from my mind?
I am seriously questioning my mind and my thoughts as I don't know what I should be thinking and feeling. Should I be sad and scared? Im not sure if I sit with myself and go into the fear and sadness that I won't dissolve into a flood of tears and feel miserable. But is that good for me? Isn't it better to be "up" and feeling good and happy and well?
This is unusual I suppose but I wonder if other people have experienced this at this stage of the "journey"?
13 Replies
- Sandra, here it is here
http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/14979/creative-corner#latest
or I'll attach it for you x
xx Melinda - Thanks @melclarity Sorry still a newbie here. Can you please paste the link here. I'll get it I'm sure but brain isn't at its peak just now. Lol. Good excuse
- @sandramj I actually posted in Creative Corner a piece I wrote on the depth of BC for me, seems quite fitting for how you are feeling and what you're talking about. xx Melinda
- Thanks again ladies! I am beginning to see my feelings maybe quite normal - well normal for something so abnormal happening in our lives. We all will and do have our own personal journey as just like no two breast cancers are EXACTLY the same our way of handling it won't be the same either. Thank you so much for the feedback - Im finding that questioning my emotions is also normal so can relax more about that, too. I feel like Ive left the main road or highway of life and taken a side road joining other 'soldiers' that are walking a very different road. And I like the company on this side road, thanks. Looking forward to more great connections with you all as we journey this new path in our lives road. :) <3 :) <3
- I can relate a little to what you said. I too have been told I sound so upbeat and positive.
I do sometimes forget I have breast cancer, and the realisation can feel like punch in the stomach. That is becoming less common as I work my way through the year of treatments.
I would think it great that you can enjoy feeling good and happy.
We all work our way through the 5 stages, backwards and forwards, revisiting stages until we finally come to acceptance. Sometimes a healthy amount of denial can help us work more gently into accepting this awful reality. I am sure you will work through the various stages of acceptance in your own time, just trust yourself.
If you begin to feel that you are not dealing with everything well, then there is a lot of help available.
We have made plans for a holiday to NZ with friends at the end of the year.
I will have about 8weeks from the end of radiation and will be on hormone therapy.
Will I feel healthy enough to enjoy it all? I have no idea, but I hope so.
I feel I need to have things to look forward to. hi there @sandramj........
I agree with the comments of all of the other wise ladies here....every journey is different and how we react is uniquely personal....
The human brain is an amazing organ in terms of how it processes and stores information.....and again -this is a highly individual experience......
for me personally I feel like I have run the gauntlet of emotions from diagnosis ( I literally had an OH FUCK moment in the dr's office, shed some tears with my hubby in the dr's car park, then went right back to work to do timesheets an hour later!!)......I kept working for another few weeks whilst getting the rest of the tests done etc...I could see people around me were literally stressing out because I was just business as usual, cracking a few jokes here and there and basically getting the day to day stuff done........2 days before surgery I realised that I could no longer face work - I needed to "bunker down" at home with my loved ones....... in the days following surgery I felt incredibly greatful for the love and support from my family and friends......after 3 weeks back at home I began to feel incredibly resentful of the constant stream of visitors who couldn't seem to understand that I was beyond exhausted and just needed to sleep, sleep and sleep some more!!! yes I had good colour (which seems to be a universal post cancer surgery measurement) but my word,,,, I have never felt so tired in my life and putting on the kettle to make cups of tea for others was not really helping me heal at all (but hey they all say - you are healing well and each day is better)....... then I felt guilty for being cranky at those who just have my best interests at heart......
so anyway - I am only 5 weeks post bilateral mastectomy and immediate reconstruction, followed by a trip back to theatre last week for clean up necrotic tissue on right breast incision.....so all in all, very early days for me!! Waiting to see oncologist next week - and to be honest I am feeling pretty chilled about it....what will be will be and I trust my medical team to look after my health.......my surgeon has indicated that no chemo or rad needed - but as I am hormone receptive then longer term medication will be needed....but until I hear it from the oncologist I am not really ready to think too much about it......it is out of my hands......
my words of advice.....trust your own judgement, beat your own drum, and do what feels right for you, and if that doesn't work, then try something else until it fits right for you....... xxxxx
hugs, love and best wishes to you on your journey ahead xxx,
sally x
- @Sandramji having cancer is different for everyone. On this site you have wonderful ladies running marathons. You have others knocked out by fatigue and not functioning well. Reports on radiation therapy some have bad burns others breeze through. So probably just go with the flow.
There is no handbook on how best to deal with cancer I reckon most of us us just wing it and hope for the best. - Sandra, everyone is very different in the ways in which they cope and handle situations, there is no right or wrong. Of course it makes sense, both of my diagnosis I have questioned as I was fine both times and no lumps or symptoms. Then you have to remind yourself you have breast cancer...but its like do I? mentally thats the toughest thing to get around as it doesnt make sense. How can you be so well and have this going on inside you and not know? uuugh its hard! Communication is so key, with the Oncologist or Surgeon to understand everything exactly, to help with that strange detachment. I get it...xx Melinda
- Surgery and treatment effects us all differently. If you feel well and want to just get on with your life do it. I couldn't plan too far ahead on chemo as it really knocked me but since finishing I plan and do things. People's perceptions of bc are more about bc treatment effects ...as in chemo. ..and people who have had stage 1V for a long time and becoming unwell. Most of us didn't feel sick when diagnosed. Happy for you that you have recovered quickly from surgery and fingers crossed you'll breeze through radiotherapy.
Do what feels right for you not what others think you should do.
Kath x
