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Ann-Marie_AK's avatar
15 years ago

Day 5 after 2nd FEC & struggling

Day 5 after 2nd FEC and I’m struggling.  I think it is more emotional rather than physical.  So far things have been pretty much the same as last time – nausea pretty much under control, headaches manageable with panadol, tummy pains subsiding but so, so, tired and dreadfully foggy. And I just feel sad.

Hair Loss – One of the hardest things so far – but it makes me feel shallow to think that way.  My husband shaved it off for me on Sunday, I had it down to a number 4 but I could no longer cope with the mess and hairy hats.  At first it was a relief to have that step over and done with but now I feel very self-conscious, I feel nervous about going out and seeing people.  It’s also quite whiskery, I thought it would be as smooth as a baby’s bottom but there is quite a lot of stubble, which is scratchy and uncomfortable when I lay down - so a sleep hat is necessary.  Does the stubble fall out?  Do I keep shaving it back?

Products – People are telling me to go organic.  A wonderful friend gave me a lovely range of organic skin care products and I have been using them daily, my skin does feel lovely but I can’t handle the deodorant.  It just doesn’t do the job, I like my rexona spray on!  Any advice here??  I’ve also been using Johnson’s holiday skin on my face every few days, it gives me a little bit of colour and takes away the awful grey look that my skin has taken on – it also detracts from the panda eyes.  Look good feel better yes - but should I be using such products??

Mood – I am normally pretty relaxed and happy but at the moment I’m like a wound up spring.  My kids are being normal kids but I feel like I am being very short and snappy with them and then I feel bad. They want friends to come and play or to cook or sew + there are school projects to do. I need to find something special to do with them that is not too demanding on me but still fun.  We need to laugh together.

 Work - I am not teaching at the moment as I am on extended sick leave but I still do the book work and payroll for my husband's business.  It is so hard to concentrate on figures and filing.  I only do it when I am feeling well as I am worried about making errors but it is just piling up this week and that is not a good feeling either. 

It even makes me sad to have this whinge.  I have lots of help - my house has been cleaned, my meals delivered by the lovely school mums, washing and ironing done by my family so why can’t I snap out of it?

While typing this blog entry my friend since kindergarten rang.  I had a cry and now she is on her way over to take me out for a drive and to get some fresh air. So I will put on my wig, some mascara and a smile and hope this little outing cheers me up.

I need to get my mojo back!

Ann-Marie xx

 

5 Replies

  •  

    Hi Ladies

    Thanks so much for your support and words of encouragement.  You ladies are wonderful!!!!

    I'm feeling better this week so am more on top of things emotionally.  I think having a down day/s and letting it all out has helped me to soldier on.  I tend to hold tight to those emotions until they boil over.  You are right, I need to go with the flow. 

    Thanks for understanding.

    Ann-Marie xx

     

  • Hi

    There is nothing shallow about feeling sad re your hairloss.

    I havent started my chemo yet and that is one thing I am dreading! I too am normally a happy relaxed person but we are on a road that challenges so many parts of us in ways we have never experienced!

    I was in a coffee shop with a friend and a lady walked in who was clearly undergoing chemo and she had a long headscarf on and I found myself in tears over my coffee!!

    I agree you have to just go with the flow of where you are and not beat yourself up!

    I think being a mum of 2 young girls does make it hard - my eldest daughter turned 13 last weekend and i found myself feeling very upset that this special birthday was in the middle of my cancer drama!

    I wasnt able to do the usual - but you know she had a great time bowling with a few friends and she and I went on a shopping spree together ( a short one) and she said she had a great time.

    You just have to do the best you can within your circumstances - we didnt choose this and our children know that!

    I think as long as we keep commuicating and we have to be real - my youngest is dreading me losing my hair but we will cope as best we can.

    It is very much an emotional rollercoaster and as my husband said part of the challenge is there is no steering wheel!!

    I know I still have the challenges of chemo ahead and I will be on here whinging too soon - dont worry!!

    Deep breaths and one day at a time xx

    Debsx

     

  • Oh Ann-Marie you are being way too hard on yourself. I was curled up in the fetal position from day 4 to 8.of chemo.The fatigue is like no other and you do get emotional. And as for the bald head- well the distress it causes is underestimated I think.All my blogs were about being miserable and bald so whinge away,we understand.Hope tomorrow is better for you.

                                         Tonya xx

  • Hi Ann-Marie,

    This is Annie from BCNA's Policy Team. We hear from a lot of women who say that hair loss is one of the hardest parts of their journey - I don't think it's shallow at all. I remember recently reading a blog post from another member who asked the same question about stubble falling out after FEC. Here is the post if you're interested to read some of the comments from other women.

    I hope the drive and fresh air helped a little.

    Cheers,

    Annie :)

  • Welcome,  Yes you are normal.  All the things you are mentioning are all part of the "deal".  I find that I don't plan anything for the first 7 days after chemo.  If I am able to do anything I do but if not nothing was planned.  When I come out of the haze - maybe day 8 then I might plan something.  What lovely friends you have.  A bit of advice that my daughter gave me - she is a Psychologist and very knowledgeable- Just go with the flow Mum.  It seems to work for me.  If I am sad I cry, if I am happy I am hilarious, If I am sick I stay indoors etc etc.  I know it is more difficult for you with young ones but it can also be an advantage for you.  Do whatever fits your moods.  Kids are so resiliant and will be fine especially with all that lovely support that you have.  Take care and look forward to your good days coming up.  Don't forget to keep taking your temps just in case something unusual might be creeping up on you.  For example just before chemo last time, I felt a bit off when I should have been great.  It turns out that my bloods were low.Don't worry about "whinging" - us ladies don't see it as that.  It is an opportunity to connect with someone on line who understands.  There are lots of beautiful women and men who understand where you are at. XLeonie