Confronting day

Dear Hollie, I am so sorry you are going through this.  I read your post and it feels like an extraction from my own diary one year ago.  I was taking the tour of the ward myself and experienced exactly what you are and remember feeling exactly like you did.  I guess it can be compared to any new and scary situation.  Remember when you went to a new school and looked at all the kids looking 'different' in their uniforms and they all laughed and played while you might have wondered, who will my new friends be? will my teacher be nice? when will I laugh and run a play again like they do?...it is such a normal thing and we all experience the same thoughts.  You will be ok!  I promise you that!!!  Soon you will become familiar with the nurses, and laugh and talk and depending on your personality you might strike up a conversation with some patients there.  I noticed a very frail and old lady having chemo in my ward one day and was so drawn to her that I took the courage to talk to her.  We ended up becoming so close, hugging and sharing stories every time we see each other there.  You form a very strong bond very quickly with fellow 'cancer' patients because you have an appreciation for the circumstances that you share.  And soon you will see someone new walk into the ward and you'll think to yourself 'That was me not too long ago'.  The thing is we all want to 'know' what to expect and 'know' that we will be ok.  I used to be petrified of death and remember just not wanting to die of cancer!  Just wanting to know that I would survive.  A year later and it has all become just another part of my normal life.  I have dealt with my fears and I have made peace with whatever comes.  I believe that God sustains us in life and in death.  We are so much more resilient than we realise.  Be kind to yourself, try to focus on what is at hand at the moment and only work through that bit of your journey.  One small step at a time.  Put everything else on the virtual shelve and only deal with the next challenges once they arrive.  Don't try too hard to understand or comprehend the whole process right now.  Your family, friends and medical team are all holding your hand to guide and support you through this.  And so are we!  Big hug to you xxx One day at a time