Forum Discussion

lawsdaws's avatar
lawsdaws
Member
12 years ago

Bit of a pity party...

Hey!

Well, I've had 2 of my 4 AC treatments, my 3rd is in a few days. So far I've been going really well mentally and physically with very little side effects except a little nausea and loss of appetite for the few days following treatment. This morning I've had a sudden realisation that I might not see my sons grow up and there is a likelihood that i could die while they're still so young (they're 4 and 7 at the mo). I obviously want to live as long as I possibly can but want to get to their 20s if I can. 20 years is a long time without this coming back and I'm terrified it will. I'm having a lot of treatment (4 x AC, 12 x Taxol, Herceptin, 5 weeks of radiotherapy and then I'll have a double mastectmomy and Tamoxifen) which I'm hoping will do the trick but I'm just really scared and sad at the thought of my boys growing up without me. I haven't really let myself think about this yet, except in the first few weeks after diagnosis and while waiting for results, so it's been a bit of a shock! It doesn't help that I met a friend for coffee the other day and all she would talk about was how serious my condition was and how devastated I must be about losing my hair, how it must be so hard for the kids, I must be so worried about dying etc!! It definitely set my positivity back a little! To be honest, I've been feeling very 'normal' and have been getting on with life as I would have done without having this....but today is a little pity party for one. 

Sorry for the depressing post....

Laura

6 Replies

Sort By
  • lawsdaws's avatar
    lawsdaws
    Member
    12 years ago

    Thank you to you all for your positive and reassuring posts! I have actually had a lovely day after my slight panic this morning - I took the kids 10 pin bowling, we watched a movie then had a huge family BBQ/swim/cricket match at ours. I think part of me is still in denial about the whole thing as I still feel very fit and healthy (except immediately after chemo) and every now and then I have a moment realising that it is actually happening to me....even though I know it's me going through it, it is so surreal still that it is almost as if it's happening to someone else - does that make sense?! I'm a very upbeat, positive person and, as a family, we find the humour and silver linings anywhere and everywhere which is just the way we are! My friends are also fantastic and just treat me as they ever did before but like to know how chemo went and are interested in the proceedures etc as no one they know has been though this. I'm very open about it and am more than happy to answer their questions but also like getting together and the chat to be about something other than what I'm going through!

    My kids are the perfect tonic to any sad moments I have had or will have - they're so fun and hilarious that it's impossible to stay feeling sorry for yourself for more than a few minutes! We have another fun day planned for tomorrow which we're looking forward to! I know there will probably be a few more moments like this morning - here's hoping they pass as quickly as this one did...

    I really do appreciate your replies.

    Laura x

  • lawsdaws's avatar
    lawsdaws
    Member
    12 years ago

    Thank you to you all for your positive and reassuring posts! I have actually had a lovely day after my slight panic this morning - I took the kids 10 pin bowling, we watched a movie then had a huge family BBQ/swim/cricket match at ours. I think part of me is still in denial about the whole thing as I still feel very fit and healthy (except immediately after chemo) and every now and then I have a moment realising that it is actually happening to me....even though I know it's me going through it, it is so surreal still that it is almost as if it's happening to someone else - does that make sense?! I'm a very upbeat, positive person and, as a family, we find the humour and silver linings anywhere and everywhere which is just the way we are! My friends are also fantastic and just treat me as they ever did before but like to know how chemo went and are interested in the proceedures etc as no one they know has been though this. I'm very open about it and am more than happy to answer their questions but also like getting together and the chat to be about something other than what I'm going through!

    My kids are the perfect tonic to any sad moments I have had or will have - they're so fun and hilarious that it's impossible to stay feeling sorry for yourself for more than a few minutes! We have another fun day planned for tomorrow which we're looking forward to! I know there will probably be a few more moments like this morning - here's hoping they pass as quickly as this one did...

    I really do appreciate your replies.

    Laura x

  • TonyaM's avatar
    TonyaM
    Member
    12 years ago

    Ditto to what all the lovely ladies above me have said.However,I probably wouldn't have coffee with that "friend"for quite awhile! Pity parties are fine-wallow in it and cry it all out,you'll feel better for it.But if it happens every day then you need to talk to a professional.I had bc in 2003 and then again(same breast)in 2010 and I am fine now.I just expect to live a long life and only really get anxious around checkup time.I just accept it and celebrate afterwards if everything is ok.I meditate and also go to art therapy which all helps.  Sending hugs,Tonya xx

  • Pink66's avatar
    Pink66
    Member
    12 years ago

    It is OK to have those thoughts and actually if you did not have them at some point I am sure it would be a strange thing..  Firstly you have your treatment doing its best to knock you around, well meaning friends who sometimes do not understand the impact of what they are saying can mean to you and of course then there are your children.  All these things together with your diagnosis are a perfect storm to be thinking this stuff.

    Everybody is different and we are all real people and any statistics you may come by are just a 2D black and white number. Remember that you are here right now and the chances are better than ever before that your cancer will not return. and I promise you that as you move further down the track and past your treatment and into your maintenance visits all those scary thoughts will begin to move further and further to the back of the list.  But if and when they surface, it is ok to let them visit but dispatch them as soon as you can .

    It may be helpful to try some meditation or relaxation (speak with the onc team about where you can find something) and if you cannot dispatch the feelings of dread then think about speaking with someone so they can help.  But remember, these thoughts are normal during the journey

    Sending you warm and calming hugs xxxxx

  • Bearteggie's avatar
    Bearteggie
    Member
    12 years ago

    I am sorry that you have been feeling so scared about the future and I have to agree with everything Deanne has said in her lovely post.

    We all visit those dark places from time to time and it is scary.  No one knows what their future holds even with out a life threatening health event.   We have been given a second chance and as hard as our treatment is we must try very hard to challenge our fearful thoughts and have hope and faith in our clinical team.

    Our friends and family are doing their best to chear us on but they can not fully understand the enormity of our situation as we don't any of their life struggles unless we are going through a similar situation.  Some people have foot and mouth disease and will rattle our cages.  I try to hold onto the positive stories I hear and disregard the sad ones.

    One of these stories is of a mother of a friend of mine who in her early 60's was diagnosed with invasive BC and was given 6 months to live.  She is still alive now and 85 yo.  My mother had breast cancer 15 years ago and is now in a nursing home and barely remembers the event.  She is 86 this year.  lol  Not that we want to end up in a nursing home.  

    Like Deanne said so eloquently, concentrating on and enjoying  the here and now and looking after ourselves is the important thing.  Worry will only rob and torture us emotionally which can't be healthy.  

    Big hugs to you and I hope you will be feeling more confident soon.

    Lots of love

    Joy xx

     

  • Mia1965's avatar
    Mia1965
    Member
    12 years ago

    Hi Laura,

    How are you huny? Hey, it's ok to feel any of the emotions that are associated with this terrible disease??? Do not feel guilty and yes your friends are having trouble understanding what you are going through. They will support you the best way they know how, which ever way that is? And yes they will say the wrong thing, or do the wrong thing, but just know they are there for support. If they love you regardless of your illness, then they are true friends. My friends did not know how to talk to me also, and some just asked questions about treatment etc. It is perfectly normal for them to be curious huny, just love them for their loyalty and forgive them for their insensitivity, because it is your friends and family who will get you over this hurdle in your life. And just remember to keep crossing the days off the calendar ok?

    It does get better, and you will feel better too. it just takes time huny ok? Sending you a big hug and wishing you the best in your cancer journey, just remember you're a hero for what you are going through!!! Don't EVER forget that ok??? Take care always and best of luck XXX Mia.