Forum Discussion

MrsBennyK's avatar
MrsBennyK
Member
13 years ago

Advice needed

Hi everyone,

My husband and I are in need of some advice on how to best help his mother while she is undergoing chemo/treatment for breast cancer.

My MIL was diagnosed with breast cancer about 25 years ago and had a mastectomy and chemotherapy which was successful. She has been cancer free until she found a lump in her breast in late January.

She went straight to the doctor and she was in hospital having a mastectomy on her remaining breast shortly after. The doctors appointment I went to (we all took turns) said they caught it very early and it was all positive. From what I know they took out some lymph at the time and her test showed no more cancer present. The doctors have said she still needs to do chemo/possibly radiation as a precaution.

The stress my husband and I have is that we want to be able to support her as best as possible however she isn’t being too forthcoming with information and keeps blowing off any questions we have.

My MIL lives alone and only has us as her support. She has only lived here in our city for a year (used to live in the country) and doesn’t have any friends etc. To be honest, she is a bit of an odd lady normally (and please understand that I say that with love) is a bit of a hermit and can be very stuck in her ways.

So far despite asking many questions from us, she hasn't provided us with any information at all about her treatment - other than showing us the hats she will wear when she loses her hair?! When I questioned about what kind of chemo she said to me she hasn’t read the information closely as she doesn’t want to bother herself with bad things and wants to think positivity?!

She seems very reluctant to tell us what we need to know in order to best support her. I don’t know if this is denial or something else. She is the kind of person that will never ask for support/help but get angry if you don’t offer or your suggestion/help doesn’t live up to her own expectations. It’s very frustrating. We are trying to be patient and understanding but feel like we are banging our heads against a wall in just trying to be able to help!

We are concerned about what life will be like for her once she starts treatment. Should she be living by herself through this period? She would be very reluctant to leave her home but we are very worried.

Should be taking time off to help her in the beginning, what kind of support she will need etc. We don’t even know what chemo she is having, for how long and what kind of doses?! All she said was it could be for up to six months. We are basically at a loss and we don’t want her to feel abandoned but don’t know what we should be doing? 

Any advice anyone could give about how we can best support our mother who lives alone would be very appreciative. As I have said we don’t even know whether someone should be checking on her daily, a few times a week, getting a cleaner, cooking meals etc. Any advice about this process would be very helpful.

Thanks!

coping

5 Replies

  • TonyaM's avatar
    TonyaM
    Member
    13 years ago

    I was wondering if there are any other siblings besides your husband to help out?She is elderly and may not have many friends and is used to living independantly.So she may not want strangers/cleaners coming into her home. If you can't then could your husband pop over and do abit of housework?Can one of you go with her to the doctors so you hear what's going on?Or ring the doctor..An elderly person may not take in everything -perhaps that's why she is evasive?Do you have a spare room so she could stay whilst having chemo? I have my mum with us at the moment whilst she is ill.She was worried she'd be a nuisance but I just insisted and she was quite relieved really.It is easier to look after her with the two of us here. My siblings want to help as well. It's abit difficult at the moment for you but keep trying because she will need family support.

                               Tonya xx

  • Mich_x's avatar
    Mich_x
    Member
    13 years ago
    Hey MBKYou have made a very good start in helping your MIL by joining this network.  There is so many women out there that are willing to offer you their advice and support. You and your husband also need support through your MIL journey.I agree with what Anna says above and for Anna it is all very fresh so her advice is invaluable. You MIL sounds like a very stubborn, independent women.  She also sounds like a very private women and is obviously dealing with her diagnosis of BC (for the second time) the best way she knows how.  We are all an individual and deal with these things in our own way I guess.  You have to respect her wishes as much as you can.I was quite alone throughout my whole journey a lot of the time.  I found the first week after chemo the hardest each time and then towards the end it accumulated and I struggled even more but I did like to try and keep as much independence as I could.Some suggestions:- taking her to and from her chemo treatment and then radiation should she need it.  She will get more and more tired as she goes through her treatment and will need to rest regularly probably.- someone to cook her some hearty meals that she can have in the freezer and heat up when she feels like them or you can just drop them around if you have cooked and have extra for her.- someone (not necessarily you or hubby) to help with cleaning areas of the house that she would like cleaned.  Cancer Council may be able to help with that, they can occasionally help financially sometimes if needed.  They have their help line which is available for your MIL or yourselves to call 24/7.  I think it is 131120.  As hard as it might be for us to understand sometimes people prefer to talk to a stranger than be a burden on their loved ones.  Just give the number to your MIL and then she can call them if need be.  I found them very helpful on a number of different levels.  Just like I found BCNA invaluable through my journey.- the breast nurse at your mums hospital can often be a good source of information for both yourselves and/or your MIL so it might be worth contacting them.- have you ordered the "MY Journey Kit" from this website for your MIL.  Plus there are other resources/literature she may like to read.- there is a post on here that is "what has helped you through your journey" which many people have found very helpful as it relates to even the smallest of things your MIL may need throughout her journey.Please come back here and chat whenever you need to or if we can help.Wishing you and your hubby patience, understanding, love, support and wishing your MIL a smooth and peaceful road through her journey.Lots of love, Mich xoxo
  • MrsBennyK's avatar
    MrsBennyK
    Member
    13 years ago

    Thanks Anna, thats a good start to help us understand what will help and whats instore for the next few months.

    Unfortunately my MIL is very anti-technology. We bought her a tablet when she was in hospital but she refuses to use it. It ended up being a very expensive paper weight!

    I also printed out all the support groups in our state and highlighted the close ones but she has refused to make contact. Again, not sure if this is denial or  because she is a bit of a hermit before the cancer came back.

    I am going to ring her doctor today to try and get more information about her cycle etc. We need to know more in order to best help her through this period. She has already said she wants me to clean her house but I am pregnant and have been told that isnt probably a good idea. I know there are some people who offer discounted cleaning services for those undergoing treament so I will look at that for her. 

     

     

  • MrsBennyK's avatar
    MrsBennyK
    Member
    13 years ago

    Thanks Anna, thats a good start to help us understand what will help and whats instore for the next few months.

    Unfortunately my MIL is very anti-technology. We bought her a tablet when she was in hospital but she refuses to use it. It ended up being a very expensive paper weight!

    I also printed out all the support groups in our state and highlighted the close ones but she has refused to make contact. Again, not sure if this is denial or  because she is a bit of a hermit before the cancer came back.

    I am going to ring her doctor today to try and get more information about her cycle etc. We need to know more in order to best help her through this period. She has already said she wants me to clean her house but I am pregnant and have been told that isnt probably a good idea. I know there are some people who offer discounted cleaning services for those undergoing treament so I will look at that for her. 

     

     

  • Anna57's avatar
    Anna57
    Member
    13 years ago

    Hi,

    As a single person going through breast cancer treatment, maybe there are some comments that I could offer that might help. On the assumption that your mother in law will be going through chemotherapy, I would offer the following to her.  As the recipient, it is useful to get these as specifc offers eg. 'can I drive you to treatment on Thursday', rather than 'what can I do to help'.

    My suggestions of a practical nature are: 

    1. A call every morning to see how she is going.  A Smartphone is very useful, then you can text, and not both have to be available at the same time.

    2. A cleaner.  I am on a three week chemotherapy cycle and my cleaner comes two weeks out of three, not in the week when I have the very low white blood cell count.  

    3. An offer to drive her to her treatments and bring her home; and an offer to stay during the treatment.

    4. It helps to tell the neighbours, even if she doesn't know them well. My neighbour puts out my bins each week, which is a great help.

    5. An offer to do shopping each day / couple of days.   Call through or text through the list and deliver the items to her home.

    6. An offer of a pre-cooked dinner delivered to her home on the frst five days after the chemotherapy treatment.

    7. An offer to pick up library books. 

    8. An offer to do washing.

    9. An ofer to stay the night in the first few days after treatment.

    Her needs are likely to change throguh this time. She may start (I did) thinking I could do more than I could actually achieve.

    She could get lonely.  Does she have a computer at home to link up to support sites etc ?

    I hope this is helpful.  Anna