Forum Discussion

Jabulani's avatar
Jabulani
Member
15 years ago

Acceptance

Although I got my diagnosis of liver metastaes end of December 2010, three lengthy hospital stays in four weeks rocked my world and the six chemo treatments absorbed whatever was left by way of time.  I was pretty sick with almost no liver left and too many tumours to count.  Now the taxotere is finished, and as I am settling to my diet of Herceptin and Aromasin and so much more healthy I am also getting the space fo contemplate what has happened.

My early stage diangosis was 2000 and I celebrated my ten years in October 2010 thinking I could let my breath out.

I have become very anxious about the journey from here to the end, but not anxious about the end. I guess that is because I live alone, always have except for a brief marriage which ended 2-3 years ago.  I know all the things to do - meditation, living in the moment etc but easier said than done. Apparently I have lots of time with the help of Herceptin and Aromasin but I am not good at understanding that at my inner level.  I feel stuck in a perptual state of "rabbit in the headlights" syndrome.  I spend too much time planning my departure allocating assets and possessions), and not enough time just being joyous.  I know which is the better state of mind, but holding it is tricky.

Does any one share this perpetual struggle? 

Joy (Jabulani)

6 Replies

  • traxx65's avatar
    traxx65
    Member
    15 years ago

    Hi Joy (Jabulani),

    It is difficult and a hard thing to shake.  Even though I was diagnosed with secondaries (getting close to 6 years now), I had allowed myself to start and feel a bit clever I suppose.  I had made it to 5 years and nothing else had appeared and my secondary had remained the same, so I thought I could settle back and get on with things.  In November 2010 it came around and gave me another kick in the backside.  New cancer in the mediastinum (chest).  I have just finished my chemo, had 8 all up and now the new waiting game starts.  Scans at the end of June and then the results.

    I  will be having the Herceptin and Arimidex to take me into the next phase.

    This site is great to chat to everyone and get other peoples experiences.  I hope we can all help somewhere along the line.

    All the best with your treatment and stay in touch.

    Take care.

    Tracey xx

  • Debbie_J's avatar
    Debbie_J
    Member
    15 years ago

    I can only imagine what you are going through. I am new to this since March. You are not alone, there is so much support on this sight. I found writting down my thoughts really helped. Sending you big hugs Debbie.

  • Anonymous's avatar
    Anonymous
    15 years ago

    Hi Joy,

    Welcome to the online network. As Tonya said you may find this site and connecting with others with secondary breast cancer helpful.

    There has been an online group set up 'Women living with Adanced Breast Cancer' - www.bcna.org.au/group/4218 which you can join and ask questions, share experiences or simply receive and provide support.

    Good luck and if you have any questions don't hesitate to ask.

    Daina
    Online Network Coordinator

  • Jabulani's avatar
    Jabulani
    Member
    15 years ago

    Thanks for such a quick response.  I guess yours is the first piece for me in the online support jigsaw puzzle! Too many adjectives in that sentance! I have good family and great friends but they are all some distance from me because I travel a lot for work and so they are not close on a day to day basis.  And I feel one moves into a different place with a cancer diagnosis from non-cancer people and it gets even more different with a diagnosis of secondaries. 

    I know what you mean about losing confidence - I felt like that for the first 6-7 years and then forgot all about it.  And there is no answer to it but to feel what you feel, give it permission. I always got stressed on my annual scans, and end up just organising myself to be totally anxious on the days leading up to and on the day.  Double deodorant days I called them!

    Concepts like living in the present are totally true, just hard to practice.  Buddhism is all about discipline and I guess that means discipline about wandering thoughts even one is weakened by the anxiety of diease. I am following your advice and writing down my thoughts.

    Thanks Tonya

     

     

     

  • TonyaM's avatar
    TonyaM
    Member
    15 years ago

    I was sorry to read your story and to some extent,understand how you must feel.My first breast cancer was back in 2003 and as the years passed I became more confident about growing old.Last year(7yrs on)cancer came back in the same breast,same spot so had mastectomy and chemo and am now on Tamoxifen.I went for my first year mammo the other week and I was so anxious.It was clear but I no longer feel confident. I've given myself permission to feel like this for awhile.I kinda feel like a ticking time bomb sometimes.So I can only imagine how hard it is for you to find inner peace or to be joyous. Perhaps coming on this site and talking to ladies who are in a similar position may help.You may  just want to vent or write down your thoughts.I have found this site so supportive and you don't feel so alone.I hope you will too.

                                            Tonya xx

  • TonyaM's avatar
    TonyaM
    Member
    15 years ago

    I was sorry to read your story and to some extent,understand how you must feel.My first breast cancer was back in 2003 and as the years passed I became more confident about growing old.Last year(7yrs on)cancer came back in the same breast,same spot so had mastectomy and chemo and am now on Tamoxifen.I went for my first year mammo the other week and I was so anxious.It was clear but I no longer feel confident. I've given myself permission to feel like this for awhile.I kinda feel like a ticking time bomb sometimes.So I can only imagine how hard it is for you to find inner peace or to be joyous. Perhaps coming on this site and talking to ladies who are in a similar position may help.You may  just want to vent or write down your thoughts.I have found this site so supportive and you don't feel so alone.I hope you will too.

                                            Tonya xx