hi there thanks for accepting my request. I am a 45yr old wife, mum of 3 & hair salon owner. I was diagnosed with bc on the 2nd of this month. My lumpectomy was 9 days later and I felt fine prior to it, barely shed a tear, my family thought it was remarkable. I remember laying in the waiting area ready to be pushed in to theatre and thinking how I wasn't even nervous. Then... I woke up from surgery.....and things haven't felt so rosy since. I am now 10 days post op and although healing physically very well I am very physically anxious (I was diagnosed with panic disorder 10 years ago which has had a big impact on my life) and very flat. I don't feel like seeing anyone, I don't want to leave the house and I just really can't motivate myself to do anything. I don't even feel like eating (super unlike me). I have an incredibly supportive family and equally wonderful friends, I know I am very very lucky but it still won't remove this dark cloud. I feel like my life has stopped and I don't know what to do now. I am just waiting for my oncologist appointment which is in 2 weeks, I feel like I'm in limbo. I am never a person to self pity, I am just struggling a little at the moment and I think that if others who may have been through the same could possibly give me a little reassurance, it would make a difference. I have always said that anxiety and depression have a way of making you feel like it's never going to leave, and to me, that's the worst part. If there's an end, I can cope with anything. Thanks for reading this. Paula.

Hi Paula. I was diagnosed at the beginning of Feb and am having chemo first for 5 months then surgery. I am finding the anxiety the worst part. I was in a very bad way right at the start - thinking my life was over (I already had anxiety and undiagnosed depression). I saw my GP and then a psychologist the next day and it helped a lot. I have seen the psychologist weekly and also have a fantastic McGrath nurse. GP also wanted to prescribe meds but I think I am already taking on board too many drugs. As so many people here have said one day at a time - maybe easier said than done. All the best, Helen.

Hi Paula, I'm Jen, 43 now but was 41 when diagnosed. You are in limbo, that waiting between the lumpectomy and the next step is huge. You get your initial BC diagnosis and bang they are onto it with scans and lumpectomies and sometimes even chemo. Then there is that pause before the next step and by that time you've had a chance to stop and breathe and the BC reality check hits you in the face with force. It really is like a roller coaster with the dips and turns. Fact is you have to give yourself time to process, you have to learn how to live with the shadow of cancer in your life, some people do this faster and easier than others. I took the attitude that I could curl up in the corner and cry or I could put on my big girl panties and plow through, either way I still had to travel the same path. Even with that attitude I lost it a couple of times along the way. My undoing was the genetic testing results, took that way harder than the BC, couldn't look at my daughters without crying for a couple of days, and my husband likes to remind me that even at my worst I said to him "I'll be fine, I just haven't quite finished feeling sorry for myself". You are allowed and entitled to adjust, just don't let yourself drown in it. Good luck with the Oncologist. Jen x

Hi Paula What you describe sounds very normal to me. I was diagnosed with BC in mid Sept 2015, didn't get surgery until early Dec - the waiting was horrible! Again, waiting for the results from surgery was hard - finally arrive Xmas eve (clear margins and clear lymph nodes phew). Then it was more waiting until mid Jan for an oncologist appointment - and chemo started 3 days later. I have existing depression so I knew it was going to be hard, but didn't realise how hard. I have spent some moments sitting in the garden staring into space... watching the cat and dog, or wandering the house pointlessly from room to room. I have found going out for a short walk helped me greatly - even though I really didn't want to leave the house at all. Some days I started by checking the mail box/touring the garden. I am lucky in that I have a positive partner who comes for walks for me - and just having him with me really helped. I can now go for walks on my own, or I take the dog (she's really helpful as well). The hubby and I started going out for tea together, and after a few times I could do on my own (even though some days I don't feel like going out so I don't). Then just when I think /feel like I'm doing OK, things come crashing down again; I take some time and make myself remember that this will pass. Sometimes in a couple of hours, sometimes longer. Eating small meals/'healthyish...' snacks every couple of hours seems to help (blood sugar maybe?). I know getting outside certainly helps me twerk out of a funk a bit. I also made myself txt a few friends (even when I didn't know what to say apart from 'how's things your end?') and it's been a good way to keep in contact with others when I don't want to /can't get out. I know I am not through this yet but hearing and talking to others online has helped me so far. It's hard to realise that others, no matter how caring, don't really understand what dealing with BC feels like unless they have been through it themselves. Even health professionals can be a bit blaise at times. Thinking of you, hugs and take care of yourself Leanne xox

Hi Jen, thanks so much for your kind supportive words. I'm so sorry you have had to and are going through so much. My sister was diagnosed too at 41 on the 29/11/14, her diagnosis shook our whole family to the core. We are a very close but she is suffering adjustment disorder due to the trauma she has been through so I am very protective of her and don't want her to worry about me any more than she has to. I think your first instinct as a mum, wife, daughter, sister & Aunty is to protect them first and then to think about yourself. It's all so raw in our family, we know what's ahead and although helpful in practical ways, i feel like my diagnosis is rubbing salt into their very raw wounds. I think I am going to have to pull myself together as you have at some point and move forward. I just can't do it yet, I'm just too anxious and as you said, I'm entitled to take some time to adjust. Oddly my head says everything is fine but my body is constantly triggering my "fight/flight" senses. thank you once again, I hope you are getting well ??

Oh Leanne, the waiting is agonising. Thank you for your suggestions, a long road ahead, I think I just haven't adjusted or accepted yet. In fact I haven't even cried over my diagnosis since the day, I have cried over other things, but not that. I think that would be called shock. That's actually the first time I've thought that. I am glad I posted today. I'm not an over-sharer but it makes a huge difference to know you are not alone. Thank you ??

A tougher time than I thought | BCNA Online Network

13 Replies

Paula-45
Member
10 years ago
Hi there

i can totally relate to that emotionless feeling. I have in the last 3 days felt better after feeling very anxious and depressed after my op. I saw my doctor last Wednesday who I've been seeing for a long time for my mental health and she told me that she thinks this is a "glitch" in my mental health and that she sees no reason why I won't bounce once I go through the grieving process post diagnosis. I felt very reassured by her thoughts and am trying to as she said not get panicked by the panic! Not as hard as I thought with being mindful of it. I think this journey by all accounts is a marathon and not a sprint, I have decided to only do what I'm comfortable with (other than my treatment) as anything on top of that increases my anxiety. I have no doubt that I will be in a better place in the near future to concentrate more on extra stuff. I think that to get through this, I have to be a little selfish and do what I want to do and not what others think is best for me. Just know that compared to this time last week, my emotional state is so much better. Also there are less potent options than Xanax, less addictive if you are feeling like you can't manage the panic, I have Valium for a rest from the anxiousness if I need it. It really is a horrible feeling isn't it!

Wishing you the best, great to know we are not alone ??
Dutchessart
Member
10 years ago
Morning paula

I was diagnosed last Friday with invasive lobular carcinoma. I am still rather emotion-less. I was diagnosed with panic disorder and depression in1998. I feel like i am the calm b4 the storm :/ with my drs help i weaned myself off xanax earky this year after being on them for 18 yrs...i have needed them again.. although my anxiety has flared up again, I still dont think bc has sunk in :/
Cook65
Member
10 years ago
I'm so glad you're feeling a little better. Take care. Karen xox
Paula-45
Member
10 years ago
Hi Karen,

i just thanked someone else for the tip on the anaesthetic and then realised it was you. Yes, I think you may be right, it definitely could be partially that. And I guess too my life is taking a detour that I hadn't planned on. You get so used to knowing what's happening for the next week, month....and then all of a sudden you have no idea. It feels very strange and unfamiliar to me, I've never been one to adapt easily to change. I was beside myself earlier and just sharing and getting some support has already lifted my spirits. Thank you so much for taking the time xo
Paula-45
Member
10 years ago
Just hearing that I'm not the only person who has or is going through this makes the world of difference. I was wondering if the anaesthetic Could magnify my emotions, I've only ever had 1 light one before. Thank you for reassuring me, you are so kind.
Cook65
Member
10 years ago
Hi Paula,

i was diagnosed at 48 on 23/04/14. I am on the other side now and am still struggling with the anxiety. What you are feeling is so common. We all want to protect everyone around us but you need to put yourself first and you will learn to do that as you go along. Don't be hard on yourself. On top of everything else, you have had an anaesthetic. That can play havoc on your emotions. The waiting is awful but it is something we have all had to endure. You are entitled to some self pity and I think you need to allow yourself that sometimes. You then need to put your big girl panties on (oh Jen, I love that expression) and just get on with it and do the best you can. It's highly unlikely that you will be up all the time and it's unrealistic to think you will be.

Definitely as Leanne said, take little walks and try to eat small healthy amounts. If the feelings you are experiencing are ongoing, have a word to your health team. You have a long, hard road ahead and you will need all of your strength to get through but you will get through it! Use your supports, including here, when ever you need to. There is an end eventually. Just at the moment, you aren't sure when that will be. Hang in there. Karen xox
Alsopt
Member
10 years ago
Hi Paula please don't feel alone - believe it or not it's quiet normal to be anxious it's a wham bam journey I guess looking back I was the same waiting for those results etc. I've just finished 10 months of active treatment - and don't scare yourself we are all different. Aniexty has become my new evil friend but I'm here to say it does improve it takes a lot to process what's happened one day your a business woman mother next it's wham bam. Something that really helped me was the cancer council 131120 in the beginning I was given a phone buddy for I think 8 calls. I've since called the actual council 3 times and soon start with a local counsellor referred via them - it takes a lot to process diagnosis fears reborn - huge gentle cyber hugs - I've also met some lifetime friends via this network so come here to express yourself it really helps having others that have done this journey ( a journey I think none of us want or requested - there's no rhyme or reason xxx ).
Paula-45
Member
10 years ago
Hi Helen

it sounds like you have a great network of healthcare professionals around you, that's fantastic. All the best for your chemo, thanks for your kind words. ??
Paula-45
Member
10 years ago
Oh Leanne, the waiting is agonising. Thank you for your suggestions, a long road ahead, I think I just haven't adjusted or accepted yet. In fact I haven't even cried over my diagnosis since the day, I have cried over other things, but not that. I think that would be called shock. That's actually the first time I've thought that. I am glad I posted today. I'm not an over-sharer but it makes a huge difference to know you are not alone. Thank you ??
Paula-45
Member
10 years ago
Hi Jen,

thanks so much for your kind supportive words. I'm so sorry you have had to and are going through so much.

My sister was diagnosed too at 41 on the 29/11/14, her diagnosis shook our whole family to the core. We are a very close but she is suffering adjustment disorder due to the trauma she has been through so I am very protective of her and don't want her to worry about me any more than she has to.

I think your first instinct as a mum, wife, daughter, sister & Aunty is to protect them first and then to think about yourself. It's all so raw in our family, we know what's ahead and although helpful in practical ways, i feel like my diagnosis is rubbing salt into their very raw wounds.

I think I am going to have to pull myself together as you have at some point and move forward. I just can't do it yet, I'm just too anxious and as you said, I'm entitled to take some time to adjust.

Oddly my head says everything is fine but my body is constantly triggering my "fight/flight" senses.

thank you once again, I hope you are getting well ??