A moment of loneliness
From my Facebook blog....
THE FINAL FRONTIER - RADIOTHERAPY
THE FINAL FRONTIER - RADIOTHERAPY
Day 3 - of 25
An early start today for my third session of radiotherapy! I asked if my treatment could be in the morning.
So off I went and checked in to the Cancer Clinic at 8:15am for my 8:40am appointment. I collected my "buzzer" and sat in the waiting room......Buzzed in earlier than expected!
Walking down the hall into the radiation suites, I notice the artworks on the walls.....One in particular stands out.....the tree of life....it's a huge tile mosaic...I couldn't get a good look at the whole thing as there were peolple talking in front of it, but will try to get a photo of it next time....on I walked.
I reach reception and greeted with a cheery "Good Morning, Tracy!" The staff here are so welcoming and gentle....very special people indeed....it feels like i've been going there for years....I collect my gown and get changed.
I now have an extra item to put on....it's a stretchy gauze boob tube....it's used to hold the gel sheet in place instead of taping it.
I then sit and wait to be called......
It's eerily quiet....I can't even hear anyone talking.....I am alone this time in the waiting room. I am tired today...
"Tracy, You can go in now"......I walk down the short hall towards the room where treatment is given.....I notice the sign on the door "Bunker 1"......Wow! that just made me realise the enormity of this treatment....I have to go into a bunker! I notice the door is around 30cm thick too.....I am willingly walking into my very own nuclear war....... I am being blasted with some serious shit!
I am greeted with the cheery smiles and voices of my radiation therapists..."On the table when you're ready...."Oh wow! look at your tattoos!" A flurry of questions ensued before the snorklel is put into my mouth....
Measurements.....marking....more measurements...all checked against the computer records..."OK! ready to go" the therapists make their escape.....
I listen to the music they are playing as I wait for the treatment to start....It's really hard to lie super still with "Moves like Jagger" playing in the background! But I lay there.....still as..... Suddenly, I felt very vulnerable and a feeling of loneliness rushed over me....
I started thinking while I was lying there....and tears came to my eyes....NO!....no tears! Why was I starting to cry? I thought I'd run out of tears.....I stared at the ceiling and pulled myself together.
The treatment machine buzzes to life after what seems like an eternity...."When you're ready, take a deep breath in"....
Today's session was quicker than the first two......set up was faster and once set in motion, the actual treatment delivery was quicker too. I am getting quite good at holding my breath....not for a longer time, but more often....and so this makes reaching the dose I'm allocated faster....before I knew it, I was up and out of there!
As I was getting changed I wondered why I felt upset....Why I felt alone....At a few points through this experience I have felt "alone" ....it then occured to me....
It’s hard not to feel isolated when you’re being treated for cancer. My dad used to say that exact thing to me during his battle....Your priorities change drastically after a cancer diagnosis....You're suddenly doing whatever is necessary to stay alive. It's like you now live in an alternate universe....EVERYTHING has changed.... there seems to be a huge divide between the world of cancer and the ‘normal’ world.
Although you have many people milling around you....you are somewhat detached from the "real world" ... It's not that you don't feel loved...appreciated the love and support.....It's just an emptiness that's there....
You are sometimes so tired or so sick, that going out into the public arena may be too much..... You may even stop working.....The "real world" begins to fall away from you.
That empty feeling hasn't visited me often but I have learnt to self talk out of these feelings, so I said out loud...."Enough, Tracy".....I looked at myself in the change room mirror.....my tired face staring back at me....A loud voice in my head yelled " I'm proud of you!....it's almost over....you're almost there..."
Almost there.....
Looking forward to the weekend off before it all starts again on Monday!
Have a great Weekend all!
