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yetbeung's avatar
yetbeung
Member
12 years ago

2am frustrations

I'm laying in the bath trying to figure out if l'm hot or cold...l had a sore throat last week that didn't go away, & despite taking care with it, it appears l now have a head cold /sinusitus with a suspicious cough...am on anitbiotics that oncologist gave me on tuesday "just in case" and hoping that it sorts it out. I'm feeling all achey & not sure if its from this 'flu' or from the nulasta (?) Injection...? Hence the bath. Feeling like erk. I had my work christmas lunch yesterday, which brought with it all sorts of emotions - whilst it was lovely to see everyone again in real life instead of online (l'm not working any more as my contract had expired) it highlighted to me that l'm quite out of the loop now - lots has happened even in the short time l've been gone (just gone a month) l was more sensitive to the fact that people were explaining stories to me etc just so l could know what was going on. It also brought on questions about my future employment, financial situation etc - without getting into the nitty gritty, lm not eligible for anything from centrelink, & it took me 5 months to find my last job, when l was fit, well & focussed...and even then l could only get a contract for 12 months. I guess in amongst all the other unpredictible stuff going on, lm craving a bit of security. No point worrying about all this before christmas though! And now that brings me to christmas - normally l would be quite excited about it, l love shopping, planning things to cook, writing all the lists, going to visit people etc. But this year lm over it before its even begun! I'd like a bit of my old 'perk' back, havent bought anyone anything, l know people are going to say that l have more impottant things to think about, but l was hoping christmas would be a good & welcome distraction, but now its just annoying as l realise its 4 days away! God l hope these antibiotics kick in, l really dont want to be in hospital over christmas... I've been told by a lot of people (friends, family & strangers) that l'm being "inspirational" - l don't really see it - lm just choosing to not be drowned by depression/ anxiety, but it doesnt mean it's not there! All part of the roller coaster l guess - one day everything is awesome and the next its all there staring you in the face. I'm a bit more sensitive now too about comments like "Well, at least you dont have kids to worry about" or "lmagine those poor ladies with mortgages who have to krep working full time, youre lucky you could stop working..." I used to just agree with these sorts of comments, because they are true to a point - but now l just want to snap back that sure, it might seem like l've got it a whole lot easier than some, its still no f*cking picnic! I may never get that home & mortgage, or the "chore" of a permanent job...depending on the outcome of genetic testing, l may have to lose my breasts & ovaries & hit menopause all before 33, so kids are out...& even if my treatment is successful, in the back of my mind for the rest of my life, l will always be thinking, "I hope it hasn't come back". And from now on, there's the constant pressure to accomplish as many goals as possible because cancer has been a very huge reminder that l will not live forever, & my days are numbered! (& besides all that, l still have the "Inspirational" boots to fill). Arrrgh. Thank you for the rant, it feels good to be able to let it all hang out, so to speak. Tomorrow will be a better day! Bath water is now cold after a couple of top ups, so bed is calling again...apologies for typos & forgotten punctuation, lm on my phone & can't be bothered! Wishing everyone a happy, pain free & normal day tomorrow!

4 Replies

  • Enaj's avatar
    Enaj
    Member
    12 years ago
    Hi Yetbeung Glad to hear you're feeling better, some days really suck and I'm sure a good rant has medicinal benefits!! I've had the "inspirational" comments from friends as well, my response is always that is I'd have run a mile given the option!! Relax, enjoy Xmas and look forward to a wonderful 2014!! Sending you positive thoughts Love Jane
  • Mich_x's avatar
    Mich_x
    Member
    12 years ago

    Hey Yetbeung

    Good on you for getting it all out there.  This is the best place to do that cause we don't judge, we don't make those unwanted comments, we do understand when you wonder about having children and all those other things that are going through your head and you have to deal with, you know why cause "we get it". 

    I am sure the caring and luving family and freinds will understand and not expect you to have done the whole "Christmas thing" and it is okay for you not to be all enthused about this season.

    You have to look after number one at this time.  You need to just take it day by day, hour by hour and you don't need to be anything you don't want to be at this time as there will be plenty of time in your life for that. 

    Just flick off those unneeded comments from people who don't get it and gloss over it. 

    I so remember how my bath was my saviour (and still is).  I poured Epsom salts in it or there are also other products available for you which will help soothe your aches and pains and some will even help you sleep.  I remember when I was really unwell the difficulty in just getting out of the bath.  I can look back now and have a good old belly laugh cause I pretty much must have looked like a beached whale flopping around in that bath and needingto roll over and get on all fours to try and get out - but at the time it wasn't funny cause it was just one of many things that makes the journey difficult.

    Just do what you can hun and don't worry about the rest for now.  Enjoy the hugs and the luv that comes your way and forget the rest.

    Luv and best wishes, Mich xoxoxoxoxo

  • Mich_x's avatar
    Mich_x
    Member
    12 years ago

    Hey Yetbeung

    Good on you for getting it all out there.  This is the best place to do that cause we don't judge, we don't make those unwanted comments, we do understand when you wonder about having children and all those other things that are going through your head and you have to deal with, you know why cause "we get it". 

    I am sure the caring and luving family and freinds will understand and not expect you to have done the whole "Christmas thing" and it is okay for you not to be all enthused about this season.

    You have to look after number one at this time.  You need to just take it day by day, hour by hour and you don't need to be anything you don't want to be at this time as there will be plenty of time in your life for that. 

    Just flick off those unneeded comments from people who don't get it and gloss over it. 

    I so remember how my bath was my saviour (and still is).  I poured Epsom salts in it or there are also other products available for you which will help soothe your aches and pains and some will even help you sleep.  I remember when I was really unwell the difficulty in just getting out of the bath.  I can look back now and have a good old belly laugh cause I pretty much must have looked like a beached whale flopping around in that bath and needingto roll over and get on all fours to try and get out - but at the time it wasn't funny cause it was just one of many things that makes the journey difficult.

    Just do what you can hun and don't worry about the rest for now.  Enjoy the hugs and the luv that comes your way and forget the rest.

    Luv and best wishes, Mich xoxoxoxoxo

  • yetbeung's avatar
    yetbeung
    Member
    12 years ago
    Thank you Robyn, l wasn't really expecting anyone to answer this one as lm not asking any advice or questions, or showing nice photos...it just needed to be out rather than in. I feel a bit more human after the bath, panadol & some more sleep. My temp has been fine the whole way along, thats why they aren't too concerned about it yet. Oncologist has said to report to A&E if l start coughing up green stuff, but lm really hoping that the antibiotic pills lm on prevent it from progressing to that. I do feel better, must have just been one of those "moments" brought on by a big day. I haven't actually had many yet, maybe thats what people mean by "inspirational" - they're all expecting meltdowns that aren't coming (yet). Who knows? Luckily for me lm not hosting christmas, Zac & l are going to his aunt's place & they are doing all the cooking there, l'll take some nibbly things which is easy enough. We do a kris kringle so l don't have to buy a lot of presents, l think l was just surprised that l wasn't more enthusiastic about the day. At least it will be cooler, & l'll be able to relax & enjoy the day for what its meant to be.. hopefully having 3 kids equals 3 eager helpers for you! Start delegating those "chores", it might just make it a bit more enjoyable if everyone is pitching in, & appreciating you more :-) Good luck with it, lm trying to generate us both some enthusiasm, & will send it your way! Thank you for the hug, always appreciated :-)