Hi I am 46 and diagnosed 2 weeks ago with invasive ductal carsonoma and DCIS on a routine mammogram. Met my surgeon on Friday and having surgery this Wednesday. He offered me a mastectomy but said I can expect just as good a result with wide local incision and radiation. I am normally the tuff cookie and I support others. Everyone comes to me with their problems or worries and I am very positive and proactive. BUT man am I struggling. I have not cried in front of my family. ( I sneak up at night and cry for hours) I hate people fussing over me and would sell a kidney before I would ask for help. Many advice for this control freak on letting people in?Thanks heaps

@Melc503 excellent delegation going on there--it's not the same as giving up control :)Fingers crossed for Friday. That wait can be a bastard, let your mum spoil you a bit (as long as she doesn't rearrange the cutlery draw. Mine can't help herself)

Hi @Melc503Welcome to the crumb factory. We get it.Difficult as it is, try not to get too far ahead of yourself just yet. One of the really irritating things about BC is the shifting goal posts. Your treatment will be tailored for you, so be prepared for some changes as your medical team learns more about your cancer. Things may be simpler or more complex than you were expecting. Sorry, that doesn't sound too encouraging, but it pays to take things one step at a time as the evidence is uncovered.You know, having cancer doesn't change your status on the independence scale. Many of us who have had to go through the whole performance, sometimes more than once, find you can get along with minimum assistance. You can feel like shit and still function, it's a wait and see situation. As before, you don't know until you get there. Generally people cope with cancer the same way they deal with any major upset in their lives; some immediately call everyone they know and circle the wagons, others put the blinkers on and some decide to plough on regardless.From one control freak to another, it isn't a bad idea to keep the information you give out to a minimum to start with. Having to answer 'I don't know' really burns and can lead to some unwelcome speculation from those who will want to equate your situation with their great aunt Maud, or the woman three doors down. Don't go there until you have to. Once you have a treatment plan really pinned down, it's much easier to resume your 'in control' attitude (on the outside) Good luck Mxx

Oh my goodness. I am so grateful for all the advice and support ladies. I certainly came to the right place. XX

@Melc503 What the other girls have said. Over and over. Allow your feelings. Put yourself first - every time Visits from young kids - no way. From another control freak - be aware of the difference between the need to relinquish control much of the time, and maintaining your alertness to when "processes" might be letting you fall through the cracks, or when you're not being given the answers you need; stay ready to step in and insist, or self-advocate. Trust your gut instinct. This network is a lifeline and a gold mine of information, tips and support. Lean on the people here.Fran x

Hang in there Mel. This stuff is frightening and frustrating in equal measure. By this stage a Multi Disciplinary Team --that includes med and rad oncs and your surgeon--should have had a look at you results and will have come to some conclusion about what happens next. Thing is, until you actually meet with the next round of specialists, should you need them, the information given to you is likely to be rather general. It pays to take each appointment and each set of results one at a time; surgeons are notorious for putting their two bobs worth in when it comes to what an oncologist should/will do and they are often wrong. False expectations are awful and I've personally wished they had all just stuck to their own area of expertise. Good luck. Mxx

This tuff cookie is crumbling | BCNA Online Network

32 Replies

Kiwi_Angel
Member
8 years ago
@Melc503 shit and piss. Good luck for your appointment- at least u will have a clear plan of attach xo
arpie
Member
8 years ago
Bugger! All the best with the rest of the meeting - hope it isn't too long a wait! xxx
Melc503
Member
8 years ago
Quick update.
Sitting in the waiting area for my surgeon follow up. Unfortunately they found some cancer in my node so will need more surgery.
Of all days he is 2 hours late. The wait is killing me. So I will see what he has planned soon.
Eastmum
Member
8 years ago
Sounds like you're doing so well @Melc503 - so good to hear! Wishing you all the best for your results on Friday. xxxx
Kiwi_Angel
Member
8 years ago
@Melc503 glad u r going well.
arpie
Member
8 years ago
Well done, @Melc503 - I hope your recovery from surgery continues to go well & wish you all the best for your upcoming results. xx

Take care
Zoffiel
Member
8 years ago
@Melc503 excellent delegation going on there--it's not the same as giving up control :)
Fingers crossed for Friday. That wait can be a bastard, let your mum spoil you a bit (as long as she doesn't rearrange the cutlery draw. Mine can't help herself)
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
Well done @Melc503! Finding your voice and using it, accepting help, taking surgery in your stride... you are doing so well. Awesome sauce! K xox
Melc503
Member
8 years ago
Hello ladies
thank you all so much I took everything you said on board and it has gone really well so far.
Had a long day on surgery day. In my opinion the hook wires were the worst.
My surgeon did an amazing job re-shaping my breast and nipple so it is certainly smaller now but still is a good shape.
I had 4 nodes taken and about a quarter of my breast ( lucky I had DD’s to work with)
waiting on pathology results until next Friday.
Only stayed 1 night in hospital and I would say moderate to uncomfortable pain. Not terrible at all.
I even took your advice and have my mum staying for a week and have let her and my partner do almost all the chores and cooking.
I cant believe I even said to my sister who I adore as she was coming over every day with her 2 small children that they are a bit loud and crazy to have over all day. I really love you all but unfortunately I need some quiet rest time for ME.
So thanks again gals I really appreciate the support. I am loving this site and feel like I am kicking cancers arse so far
kmakm
Member
8 years ago
Hi @Melc503. How did your surgery go? I hope you're resting comfortably and the pain meds are doing their job.

BC is a cruel mistress who schools us very early on about our illusions of control! I soldiered through two family deaths and tremendous upheaval in the five years prior to my own diagnosis. And when that happened last December it brought this previously tough cookie completely undone. My reserves were spent. It's been comprehensively hard and humbling on a deeply personal level.

From the very first appointment, my diagnosis, every medical professional I spoke to urged me to accept help when they could see how deeply resistant I was to that notion. It was my first lesson. Recognising that it was going to be a problem for me (and knowing all too well from what I'd witnessed over the previous two years that I was going to need help), I knew I had to take a deep breath and consciously accept help when it was offered. And sometimes that was literally what I did. Someone would offer help, the word 'no' would form in my mouth and I would stop, take a breath and say 'yes'.

The other thing I did was reverse the paradigm. If it was my friend who was going through this I would be desperate to help them.

I have not cried in front of my family (husband excepted). My circumstances dictated that it would be best not to (click on my profile for a summary), so I've done a shed load of camo crying in the shower, in doctor's offices, hospitals, and in bed at night. It's truly hard to keep it bottled up, not good for your mental health. Normally I think it's not a bad thing to let your kids see you upset, and there were a couple of times when mine saw some red eyes. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, give it some thought. It's not the end of the world to let your children see you battle adversity and then come through it. It will help them when they're adults facing their own battles.

Anyway, I hope this helps. Let us know how you got on today and who's helping you (or not!) in the weeks to come. K xox

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