Thanks again for you kind words and you a right on the money with the take time to grieve comments.
I have been doing lot's of the not to be recommended internet research, but with the medical background to be able to do that safely, and I found comfort in that, it is clinical and familiar ground for me. It was the reading about available supports like physio and dragon boat racing groups that sent me to my 5 year olds room blubbering while she was at school. I think thats what made this feel more real and I think letting it out is cathartic and important and probably something I have not yet done enough of.