It’s really hard, but you are not ungrateful and don’t need to castigate yourself. I do believe that, given half a chance and a lot of luck, the experience of going through cancer can make positive changes. No, cancer is never a good thing and I am not some Pollyanna, but the determination to get through and get a life again can help us decide what stuff we want to carry with us and what we don’t. Take things step by step, gently, one day at a time but just keep your own thinking clear about what you need and want. You’ll get there.