Forum Discussion
Feeling Lost
Hi,
I'm not sure how this network works yet so I'm hoping I can connect with some support, but really I want to let out what is inside. I therefore doubt this will make much sense.
I went in for a follow up mammogram on Tuesday and inside I knew the results weren't going to be good. Not because I felt anything but because of the comments the radiographer had made. All beside the point now. They found a lump and calcifications. The lump is 2.2cm but even on the day they couldn't feel it. So I've had my biopsy and I will go back for my meeting with the doctors on Monday morning. I don't know grades or markers yet. I know there will be surgery but the rest is to be determined.
I am feeling everything everyone talks about on the videos here, and on a couple of the posts I've read.
Mainly for me at this time it is guilt. And that somehow I brought this on myself. That whole manifestation thing. If you think it you will get it. I had 3 weeks off work and decided to get all my health checks done. Started sorting out my will too - did I jinx myself? My daughter asked why I was having a mammogram. I told her I needed to because of my age and family history. She told me those things are dumb they find things that would never have bothered you if you didn't look. She doesn't know about the results yet.
All I have seen since my mammogram are breast cancer posters, TV shows about alternative treatments, and the news covering the lady who enacted the end of life law in Victoria (all power to her). I even saw a lady who was on the breast screen bus with me, and I so desperately wanted to know if she had a call back too.
I get up every morning and watch the sun rise, have done for years. I'm always telling people life is short, don't focus on material things. Love your family, embrace what's around you. Celebrate people whilst they are alive. For the last 12 months I've been a funeral arranger. I have seen the anguish families go through when plans and wills aren't in place. The regrets they have of unsaid things when people die suddenly. I kept saying to my partner that life is short, pay your respects to your loved ones whilst they are alive. I have had an interest in palliative care since my dad died of bowel cancer 5 years ago. Actively researching how people can be better supported at end of life, thinking of my step mum who is 81. I am now torn as to whether I'm psychic, I self manifested, or I am bloody lucky to have come to this realisation and regardless of anything the cancer would have been there.
Guilt issue number 2. I've had swollen tissue under my arm for years that they did an ultrasound on and said it was nothing but they never checked my breast. I put off my mammogram for a year. Someone said to me why haven't you had it done sooner? Doesn't help now does it. And now I am here. Worried about what I could have done better, worried about every itch and pain I have. Is the cancer everywhere? Looking at my bowel cancer test sitting on the table, which I rang up and requested because I didn't get the first one. May as well get every test I can done.
I have a friend who has breast cancer and she has been fighting it for over two years. She is overseas but she has been really helpful. My brother has just come through lymphoma. He said just keep doing life and stay positive.
Other than that I'm laughing, crying, up, down, accepting, in disbelief, angry, sad, I want my results, I want this out of me and over with, don't want to hear the word cancer again, and feeling very alone.
I'm not sure how this network works yet so I'm hoping I can connect with some support, but really I want to let out what is inside. I therefore doubt this will make much sense.
I went in for a follow up mammogram on Tuesday and inside I knew the results weren't going to be good. Not because I felt anything but because of the comments the radiographer had made. All beside the point now. They found a lump and calcifications. The lump is 2.2cm but even on the day they couldn't feel it. So I've had my biopsy and I will go back for my meeting with the doctors on Monday morning. I don't know grades or markers yet. I know there will be surgery but the rest is to be determined.
I am feeling everything everyone talks about on the videos here, and on a couple of the posts I've read.
Mainly for me at this time it is guilt. And that somehow I brought this on myself. That whole manifestation thing. If you think it you will get it. I had 3 weeks off work and decided to get all my health checks done. Started sorting out my will too - did I jinx myself? My daughter asked why I was having a mammogram. I told her I needed to because of my age and family history. She told me those things are dumb they find things that would never have bothered you if you didn't look. She doesn't know about the results yet.
All I have seen since my mammogram are breast cancer posters, TV shows about alternative treatments, and the news covering the lady who enacted the end of life law in Victoria (all power to her). I even saw a lady who was on the breast screen bus with me, and I so desperately wanted to know if she had a call back too.
I get up every morning and watch the sun rise, have done for years. I'm always telling people life is short, don't focus on material things. Love your family, embrace what's around you. Celebrate people whilst they are alive. For the last 12 months I've been a funeral arranger. I have seen the anguish families go through when plans and wills aren't in place. The regrets they have of unsaid things when people die suddenly. I kept saying to my partner that life is short, pay your respects to your loved ones whilst they are alive. I have had an interest in palliative care since my dad died of bowel cancer 5 years ago. Actively researching how people can be better supported at end of life, thinking of my step mum who is 81. I am now torn as to whether I'm psychic, I self manifested, or I am bloody lucky to have come to this realisation and regardless of anything the cancer would have been there.
Guilt issue number 2. I've had swollen tissue under my arm for years that they did an ultrasound on and said it was nothing but they never checked my breast. I put off my mammogram for a year. Someone said to me why haven't you had it done sooner? Doesn't help now does it. And now I am here. Worried about what I could have done better, worried about every itch and pain I have. Is the cancer everywhere? Looking at my bowel cancer test sitting on the table, which I rang up and requested because I didn't get the first one. May as well get every test I can done.
I have a friend who has breast cancer and she has been fighting it for over two years. She is overseas but she has been really helpful. My brother has just come through lymphoma. He said just keep doing life and stay positive.
Other than that I'm laughing, crying, up, down, accepting, in disbelief, angry, sad, I want my results, I want this out of me and over with, don't want to hear the word cancer again, and feeling very alone.
61 Replies
- @Felicia29 Great to hear your recovery is going well. That is exciting news about the trial they are considering putting you on. This was spoken about at the recent BCNA conference in Adelaide. One of the speakers told us to volunteer for trials if we ever get a chance as you are looked after very well & have the opportunity to help others as well as yourself. They also said that many medical professionals are now opting to do less treatment instead of more. I didnt have chemo or any drugs & I was borderline whether to have rad or not & they really left it up to me to decide. I ended up having rad only as my cancer was aggressive but I have never had to take any medication. This is exciting for you so I look forward to hearing what comes out of it & what you decide. Keep strong & positive & i hope you get a lot out of the support group next week. love & hugs xx
- @Anne65 Thank you, I am recovering well. Can't believe it was only 4 weeks ago that I had my biopsy done! Still counting my blessings that everything has gone so well and feel like I can finally come up for air. I met the medical oncologist yesterday and will meet the radiation oncologist next Wednesday. Medical oncologist believes I will be asked to participate in a trial where radiation isn't done, only hormone treatment. I will be researching all of this before then. I won't get to meet the support group until next Monday as they met the day I went back for my biopsy results but I can check in online. Appreciate you stopping by xxx
- @Felicia29 Thinking of you & hope your recovery is going well. Hoping you have found some support with the local group & they are helping you emotionally. Sending you lots of love & strength xx
- @Felicia29 I hope your recovery is going well & the pain is minimal. So lovely to read your post & hear you have found a local support group! They will be so precious to you & they will give you the emotional support & hugs you need. We all need to surround ourselves with positive people otherwise life will just get you down! Acceptance of the new you is also key & the realization that life, as well as our bodies, will never be the same as they were before cancer. The sooner we can do this, then the better off we will be emotionally & we can start to move forward. It will take time but you are getting there & keep putting yourself first. love & hugs xx
- Wonderful words again, and @Flaneuse your metaphor was spot on, and it made me laugh. I also drew from "in the past". This does not have to be my future. There is no going back from this, my life has changed and I really really need to put myself first. I knew it was coming but now I can no longer deny it. Drawing on the beauty I have around me to heal. I have found a local support group who meet again in a few weeks.
- Powerful metaphor @Flaneuse.
- @Felicia29 Thoughts with you. In the past, I had a partner just like yours; so challenging. Being with him was like licking honey from thorns.
The other ladies have given you great advice. Put yourself first. Cry when you need to. Pamper yourself when possible. Keep asking for help and accepting offers to want to accept.
Big hugs. - @Felicia29 That is a very difficult situation. So difficult for him to be supportive the way you need because it might mean acknowledging that he has the same or similar needs. I feel so sorry for him, but also annoyed! Some men can be so frustrating with their refusal to engage with emotional hurt and healing. Really, women are almost always so much stronger in this area.
At this point I think you need to focus on yourself. Is there a local support group in your area that you can join? A lot of the hospitals run support groups, regular morning teas, that kind of thing. The Cancer Council can help with finding some near you. I ended up starting my own, and it's marvellous. We meet once a month but have a very active WhatsApp group.
Take care of yourself. At this time you are definitely the priority and being selfish is compulsory! K xox - How one manages a cancer diagnosis and treatment is very variable - partly because people are! Like @iserbrown, I hardly ever cried at first and never about cancer after about 6 or 7 months. My tears were also primarily about fear (at the very beginning) and frustration, not loss or grief. A good howl can be very therapeutic but not so much for confusion or uncertainty. A short stint with a councillor helped me immensely with those. My partner is a stoic and expects it of others, but surprised me with an unexpected treat at a time when I just felt sorry for myself. Hugs may be difficult but those near to you may yet surprise you with unexpected understanding. But most of all, be aware of your own needs. A wise person on this network recently said “it’s so much easier to soldier on when to have something to soldier towards”. Keep looking forward to feel and be better. Best wishes.
- Hi @Felicia29
there's no right or wrong way with any of this! Sorry to read about your partner however that is the coping mechanism he has adopted and unfortunately for you it would be nice if he let his guard down for a cuddle however I am sure in time you both will be in a better place emotionally to cope with what he has been through and what you are going through at present.
Me, I am a little different to most on here, never shed a tear and not likely too. I guess life's experiences prior set me up to how I reacted. What I do know is that acceptance helped me to cope with treatment and the ongoing anxiety that comes about with each upcoming review as well as the niggles of medication.
Please don't be hard on yourself, just roll with it, enjoy the practical support of cleaning and cooking and others have suggested the BCNA helpline is available if needed as well as the forum.
Take care and best wishes as you settle into routine with it all
