Forum Discussion
Feeling Lost
Hi,
I'm not sure how this network works yet so I'm hoping I can connect with some support, but really I want to let out what is inside. I therefore doubt this will make much sense.
I went in for a follow up mammogram on Tuesday and inside I knew the results weren't going to be good. Not because I felt anything but because of the comments the radiographer had made. All beside the point now. They found a lump and calcifications. The lump is 2.2cm but even on the day they couldn't feel it. So I've had my biopsy and I will go back for my meeting with the doctors on Monday morning. I don't know grades or markers yet. I know there will be surgery but the rest is to be determined.
I am feeling everything everyone talks about on the videos here, and on a couple of the posts I've read.
Mainly for me at this time it is guilt. And that somehow I brought this on myself. That whole manifestation thing. If you think it you will get it. I had 3 weeks off work and decided to get all my health checks done. Started sorting out my will too - did I jinx myself? My daughter asked why I was having a mammogram. I told her I needed to because of my age and family history. She told me those things are dumb they find things that would never have bothered you if you didn't look. She doesn't know about the results yet.
All I have seen since my mammogram are breast cancer posters, TV shows about alternative treatments, and the news covering the lady who enacted the end of life law in Victoria (all power to her). I even saw a lady who was on the breast screen bus with me, and I so desperately wanted to know if she had a call back too.
I get up every morning and watch the sun rise, have done for years. I'm always telling people life is short, don't focus on material things. Love your family, embrace what's around you. Celebrate people whilst they are alive. For the last 12 months I've been a funeral arranger. I have seen the anguish families go through when plans and wills aren't in place. The regrets they have of unsaid things when people die suddenly. I kept saying to my partner that life is short, pay your respects to your loved ones whilst they are alive. I have had an interest in palliative care since my dad died of bowel cancer 5 years ago. Actively researching how people can be better supported at end of life, thinking of my step mum who is 81. I am now torn as to whether I'm psychic, I self manifested, or I am bloody lucky to have come to this realisation and regardless of anything the cancer would have been there.
Guilt issue number 2. I've had swollen tissue under my arm for years that they did an ultrasound on and said it was nothing but they never checked my breast. I put off my mammogram for a year. Someone said to me why haven't you had it done sooner? Doesn't help now does it. And now I am here. Worried about what I could have done better, worried about every itch and pain I have. Is the cancer everywhere? Looking at my bowel cancer test sitting on the table, which I rang up and requested because I didn't get the first one. May as well get every test I can done.
I have a friend who has breast cancer and she has been fighting it for over two years. She is overseas but she has been really helpful. My brother has just come through lymphoma. He said just keep doing life and stay positive.
Other than that I'm laughing, crying, up, down, accepting, in disbelief, angry, sad, I want my results, I want this out of me and over with, don't want to hear the word cancer again, and feeling very alone.
I'm not sure how this network works yet so I'm hoping I can connect with some support, but really I want to let out what is inside. I therefore doubt this will make much sense.
I went in for a follow up mammogram on Tuesday and inside I knew the results weren't going to be good. Not because I felt anything but because of the comments the radiographer had made. All beside the point now. They found a lump and calcifications. The lump is 2.2cm but even on the day they couldn't feel it. So I've had my biopsy and I will go back for my meeting with the doctors on Monday morning. I don't know grades or markers yet. I know there will be surgery but the rest is to be determined.
I am feeling everything everyone talks about on the videos here, and on a couple of the posts I've read.
Mainly for me at this time it is guilt. And that somehow I brought this on myself. That whole manifestation thing. If you think it you will get it. I had 3 weeks off work and decided to get all my health checks done. Started sorting out my will too - did I jinx myself? My daughter asked why I was having a mammogram. I told her I needed to because of my age and family history. She told me those things are dumb they find things that would never have bothered you if you didn't look. She doesn't know about the results yet.
All I have seen since my mammogram are breast cancer posters, TV shows about alternative treatments, and the news covering the lady who enacted the end of life law in Victoria (all power to her). I even saw a lady who was on the breast screen bus with me, and I so desperately wanted to know if she had a call back too.
I get up every morning and watch the sun rise, have done for years. I'm always telling people life is short, don't focus on material things. Love your family, embrace what's around you. Celebrate people whilst they are alive. For the last 12 months I've been a funeral arranger. I have seen the anguish families go through when plans and wills aren't in place. The regrets they have of unsaid things when people die suddenly. I kept saying to my partner that life is short, pay your respects to your loved ones whilst they are alive. I have had an interest in palliative care since my dad died of bowel cancer 5 years ago. Actively researching how people can be better supported at end of life, thinking of my step mum who is 81. I am now torn as to whether I'm psychic, I self manifested, or I am bloody lucky to have come to this realisation and regardless of anything the cancer would have been there.
Guilt issue number 2. I've had swollen tissue under my arm for years that they did an ultrasound on and said it was nothing but they never checked my breast. I put off my mammogram for a year. Someone said to me why haven't you had it done sooner? Doesn't help now does it. And now I am here. Worried about what I could have done better, worried about every itch and pain I have. Is the cancer everywhere? Looking at my bowel cancer test sitting on the table, which I rang up and requested because I didn't get the first one. May as well get every test I can done.
I have a friend who has breast cancer and she has been fighting it for over two years. She is overseas but she has been really helpful. My brother has just come through lymphoma. He said just keep doing life and stay positive.
Other than that I'm laughing, crying, up, down, accepting, in disbelief, angry, sad, I want my results, I want this out of me and over with, don't want to hear the word cancer again, and feeling very alone.
61 Replies
- Hi Everyone,
Thank you all so much for your messages this morning. It was so comforting to see them on my phone as I was sitting in the waiting room. I definitely knew you were thinking of me and it made a huge difference. I am feeling very lucky this afternoon. The pathology has come back as grade 1. Positive hormone receptors and Her2 negative. I am waiting on a call from the surgeon. It should be a lumpectomy, radiation, and medication. Everyone was right of course, getting through today makes me feel like I've turned a corner. I can have conversations with my children, make plans about work, but right now I'm ready for a nap. I'll take my next steps tomorrow. Thank you again. xxx - @Felicia29 GOOD LUCK for today. Sending love, thoughts, prayers & hugs your way. Glad to hear you have a folder of questions plus you have someone going with you. Tick, tick!! Write it all down or record it if you need to & ask all the silly questions. You are moving forward in this battle. Proud of you! Love & strength xx
- @Felicia29
@KayB55
@Ahnn
Just know that someone far away is holding all three of you in my thoughts and prayers for today.
The very best of warm Kimberley wishes to you.
Annie - Dear @Felicia29, thinking of you today
from jennyss in Western NSW - @Flaneuse it's good to know that I'm not the only planner out there. I've got a folder prepared, a list of questions and prompts that I hope are going to help, and a support person who asks questions for a living so I'm sure he will think of things I don't. Another step forward today.
- @KayB55 thank you. I will be thinking of you Monday as I head off for my results. A big day for both of us. I am slowly coming to grips with this new reality and yes, taking one day at a time. I think I have moved on from the guilt. It is what it is. I didn't cause it. And I have made some huge life changes in the last few months that are going to give me more strength and clarity moving forward. What a roller coaster.
- Felicia29 - I am in my very early days as well, heading for chemo 2 on Monday. Being part of the forum has been by far the best thing I have done so far in finding practical help, advice and support. I am so incredibly grateful to all, so Felicia - hold onto this group forum. Get rid of the guilt because there is none, - I had my mammogram in January and it was all clear and yet in July there it was - it just happens. Just take everything a day at a time.
- @Felicia29 So glad that you feel you're making progress in getting support gathered around you. Guilt and self-blame have no place in our lives. They don't help us and don't change anything. We just need to focus on the present and the future and put ourselves first at this time.
You've had excellent advice from the other ladies on here.
I understand your desire to "put your affairs in order". I've done that - probably to extremes. My daughter can't believe I've done a slide show of photos for my "leaving drinks party" (it won't be a funeral!). But I want to save as much stress as possible for her and other people when the time comes, and I'm naturally super-organised. I told her she can add photos if she wants but not take any out! Like you, I've seen situations where people have made no plans (mostly as a JP) and it becomes a nightmare. And costly. I'm 20 months on from diagnosis and am feeling very positive about the future, but I need to have a plan.
Whatever your treatment path ends up being, I wish you all the best. Accept offers of help and be kind to yourself. Keep asking questions of your medical team until you understand and don't agree to anything you're unhappy about.
I found the counsellors at the Cancer Council to be a great support, too, when I needed to talk about tensions between my children just before my surgery last year.131120. - @Felicia29 That's the best news! She will be your new best friend & a help/support to your family & friends if they also need to speak to her. Ask her any question, silly or otherwise!! Email her through your medical/pathology reports when you get them so she has a good understanding of your type of cancer & treatment.
You are doing really well. So proud of you!! xx - Thank you so much @Anne65. I spoke to a McGrath Breast Care Nurse this afternoon. She has already been very helpful and I am going to call her after my meeting at the clinic on Monday when I get my results and have a better idea of how to move forward. I feel better knowing I have a sounding board.
