diagnosed with breast cancer and pregnant

My name is Jules. I am 33 years old, a lawyer, and currently work in an executive infrastructure management role. I am also a spouse to an Australian Army pilot. And to make all the more complicated, I am pregnant, and now have breast cancer. 

The past two years, I have been living in Darwin. My husband was posted there to command a Squadron of Tiger Helicopters. I managed to get an amazing job opportunity that I had been working for 15 years to get to.

I loved that job and it was not lost on me that it was an amazing opportunity for someone so young. So much so that when my husband was posted to Canberra in Dec 2017, we decided to take the posting ‘unaccompanied’. That is Defence jargon for the spouse deciding to stay in one location whilst the military member moves to another. In our case, it was Darwin for me and Canberra for Joel. We are a seasoned military couple so were happy with our decision. 

Then in late Dec 2017, I found out that I was pregnant with our first child. We were very excited, albeit it changed our plans slightly and I intended to move to Canberra by Jun 2018. Shortly afterward, my mother was diagnosed with Stage IV gastric cancer. 

When I was 14 weeks pregnant, we got the news from our GP that I have Breast Cancer. Then we found out it was triple negative. Then we now know that it has metastasised to liver and bones.

I am now 24 weeks pregnant, I have moved to Canberra to be with my family and have just had my 2nd round of chemo. I am starting to learn that my experience is in some ways very common and relatable (pregnancy is super weird!) and in others, fairly unique. In a matter of weeks I have had to transform from being a very successful, independent, high-flyer to someone that is dealing with cancer, pregnancy, end-of-life planning, family planning at the same time along with moving house and states and all the other normal challenges Defence spouses deal with. 

My prognosis is not great and being pregnant that has many emotional, physical and financial challenges. With the prospect of raising a child, the oncologist gave a us a good understanding of my likelihood of surviving the next 2 years. In some ways it was an act of mercy because we can plan. But knowing that my kid will never have a memory of me is really hard. 

I certainly go through emotions of feeling selfish and cruel to my family. I feel like I am the perpetually exploding bomb that is a constant never ending source for sadness amongst the people I love most. I can't make them happy like I used to, and I miss just being a normal human in a room. My mother is on a similar but very different journey. We can talk about some things but then I can get really overwhelmed by a thought of losing my mum, being a new mum with out my mum, or how lucky I was to have her as a Mum and knowing that I can't give that to my future kid.... the thought train just keeps exploding with guilt, shame and fear. 

And then, for the most part, I have witnessed the most extraordinary acts of kindness and humanity. Strangers offering cooked meals, new mums offering Breast milk, my work gave me time off without even asking, health care workers going over and above to look out for me. My private obstetrician waived his entire fees, almost $6000 gift that we are very very grateful for. My girlfriends keep me laughing and check-in on me all the time. Boy, do I miss being able to have a boozy lunch with them! 

So I guess I know how you feel. Being pregnant is emotional for anyone because it is a time of enormous change and ambiguity. I don't have any answers but it is comforting to talk about it occasionally. :-)