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Carolynvj's avatar
Carolynvj
Member
13 years ago

What I wish for.....

Through all of this I have learned that I f@#king hate cancer (any type...!!). Everyday it is in my face & I am really over it. I wake up every day & it is the first thing I think of & it is the last thing I think of at night. I don't believe it has taken control of me but I cannot get it out of my mind. Women on here say that as time goes on it will become less significant in my thoughts - bring on that day..!!! My one wish is that I could have a day (waking hours) that I did not give it one thought - heaven.. I guess I am venting here but sometimes it just has to be done. I am not letting this whole journey control or structure my life but realise that atm it is a major factor to deal with. I feel I am a very positive person & don't have too many bad days but can be found in a sobbing mess at the bottom of the shower or sitting on a fallen log on my bush walks looking as though I am having a breakdown. These are my moments that I allow myself usually last about 10min but once over I feel good. I also have moments when I need to breakdown in front of my husband & that feels good too. I don't do this often & feel I am in control but it is so very very hard to be upbeat & positive all the time & I feel I need to have my moments to keep me sane. I am to have my 7th of 8 chemos today & cannot wait for this part of treatment to be over. Radiation, herceptin, hormone therapy to go but not looking at that as I look at chemo. Herceptin is to finish middle sept 2014. I have also decided not to take any notice of statistics. No one can give me the ones I want 0% reoccurrence 100% cured...!! So knowing numbers for me is going to make no difference, what will be will be. I will do as much as I need to to beat this though. I am also going to plan things for the future. I love planning & for the last few months I have been to scared I guess but my thoughts have changed. I have booked a family holiday for October 2014 & I cannot wait & it is something to look forward to. Other than tests, infusions, doctors etc In finishing my early morning rant (sorry) I have also decided that I am going to live my life fully each day. As so many people say who knows what tomorrow will bring. Take care everyone Carolyn. xx

7 Replies

  • NaturalBel's avatar
    NaturalBel
    Member
    13 years ago

    Wow, I feel like I am ready my own blog!  I used to burst into tears during my walks on good days!  I went through the last year thinking, is this my life, or is it a bad movie?  Its great to get on here and tell every one exactly what you think.  I did, and guess what, they love it on here.  (smile).

    Never apologise to us, we bloody know exactly how you feel.  Dragging yourself through those hospital doors for Chemo, yuck.  No matter how I felt, I still managed to talk my head off and make every one laugh when I went in.  When I finished my last Chemo I said "Thankyou and good bye" to find out I have to go back there every 6 weeks for the next 2 years!

    I have a port that needs flushing.  I had a bit of a Counselling session over that revelation.  (had a few over the last year).  hahahahaa But managed to just get on with it.  It did take me a long time to forget I have it in my chest, because my bra rubs on it, but I am finally used to it now.  It has been in since December 2012.

    As for Stats, I forgot about it too because my elderly uncle got the same % as I did, (survival) and I felt a bit ripped off because he is way older (still smiling).  I chose to accept that no doctor has a crystal ball, for me!  But hell Im glad that there is a great survival rate here in Australia, and thats what I hold onto.

  • Janey235's avatar
    Janey235
    Member
    13 years ago
    That would be lovely Carolyn. Just let me know when you'll be down and where so we can arrange it. Count down for last chemo! It feels so good when that's done :) Janey xxx
  • Carolynvj's avatar
    Carolynvj
    Member
    13 years ago
    Hi Janey, Thanks for your reply that is exactly how it is. At times so very bloody hard...!!! Had my 2nd last chemo today, only one to go. I cannot wait to be over this part even though I feel I have been extremely lucky with side effects. I will start radiation for 5 weeks probably straight after Christmas so will be living in Melbourne. If possible would love to meet up with you for a chat & cuppa. Don't feel obligated at all just a thought. Hope all is getting better for you too Take care Carolyn x
  • Carolynvj's avatar
    Carolynvj
    Member
    13 years ago
    Hi Janey, Thanks for your reply that is exactly how it is. At times so very bloody hard...!!! Had my 2nd last chemo today, only one to go. I cannot wait to be over this part even though I feel I have been extremely lucky with side effects. I will start radiation for 5 weeks probably straight after Christmas so will be living in Melbourne. If possible would love to meet up with you for a chat & cuppa. Don't feel obligated at all just a thought. Hope all is getting better for you too Take care Carolyn x
  • Janey235's avatar
    Janey235
    Member
    13 years ago
    Putting thoughts into writing in my opinion is THE best therapy. All this crap that builds up needs to come out before you burst. You can only do so much 'positivity' can't you until you want to scream. People keep saying "you are so brave" or "you look so good" or "chin up" and it's so irritating after being told this over and over again. You just want to scream at them "I'VE GOT CANCER YOU TWIT, I DONT LOOK GOOD, I'M BALD", or "I'M NOT BRAVE, I JUST WANT TO SURVIVE". I know they mean well and are trying to cheer me up and perhaps they don't know what else to say. But I get so tired of agreeing with them to make them feel better and I know it's been said before but we most of us are generally positive or trying to keep so but sometimes you just can't, so ranting and venting on this network is wonderful because all of us understand. Vent away and welcome. Love Janey xxx
  • Janey235's avatar
    Janey235
    Member
    13 years ago
    Putting thoughts into writing in my opinion is THE best therapy. All this crap that builds up needs to come out before you burst. You can only do so much 'positivity' can't you until you want to scream. People keep saying "you are so brave" or "you look so good" or "chin up" and it's so irritating after being told this over and over again. You just want to scream at them "I'VE GOT CANCER YOU TWIT, I DONT LOOK GOOD, I'M BALD", or "I'M NOT BRAVE, I JUST WANT TO SURVIVE". I know they mean well and are trying to cheer me up and perhaps they don't know what else to say. But I get so tired of agreeing with them to make them feel better and I know it's been said before but we most of us are generally positive or trying to keep so but sometimes you just can't, so ranting and venting on this network is wonderful because all of us understand. Vent away and welcome. Love Janey xxx
  • Carolynvj's avatar
    Carolynvj
    Member
    13 years ago
    Thanks Deanne, Didn't sleep the best last night & thought a lot & then had to express it in writing I guess. Feeling better for it though. Take care. Carolyn x