The New Me.

Oh well I was in it and understood her warts and all but a crisis brings out the true person and she is not one that I would've wanted in the trenches if this was WW1 or 2 era!

@Vallerina ... Double that, O M bloody G!!  @iserbrown I don’t think I could have persevered with THAT friendship.   :( 

Omg!! 

@Vallerina
Well said! Everyone copes differently! 
I've said previously I lost a friend of 40 years over this. I knew who she was and accepted her warts and all. Very much look at me personality and I would spend countless hours pulling her out of the doldrums and making her laugh.
When I was diagnosed it became intense as she wasn't happy with my choice of breast surgeon.  I said to her he's made me feel comfortable and confident and I trust him but no she wasn't happy. Mind you she has never met him and has never had BC. I said what do you want me to do go through the yellow pages!! She visited once in hospital and complained about my room so we went to the cafe to keep the peace!
This was one time it wasn't all about her and she couldn't cope. Haven't seen her for near on 3 years and I have to say I don't miss her as the fact that the friendship was very much one way became obvious. She did visit at home once when I was discharged. We live at altitude and she said who would live here as it was an October low cloud day with the wood fire going and not a shopping centre in sight. We've lived here for years and she's visited but never did I know that was her attitude. Breast cancer sorts out all sorts for us!
Sad initially but content she's in the past.

Take care 

@Vallerina Thank you so much for this honest and open expression of your experiences. It provides food for thought. xx

B4 this happened to me i was literally terrified of breast cancer. Flipped straight past  any magazine article about it, was sick with fear seeing any   pink washing in the media and totally upset by the amount of reminders of cancer around me.  I didnt need all these reminders im a total stickler for pap smears and mammograms and was scared witless by the constant bc narrative.
My mother died of agressive lung cancer only 6 weeks after diagnosis , her only symptom was she was a little bit tired.  Shortly after that a friend was diagnosed with throat cancer. I literally  avoided her. I only visited once or twice not because i was mean and didnt care. I didnt feel able to look at her and tell her she was going to b ok after the shock of my mother's sudden death at the age of 68. I felt  that i couldnt b a positive presence at that time so i was better off not to b there.   I Was terrified at the evidence people my age were also getting this horrible disease. Weak? Maybe.
 I am universally known as very strong this particular thing i just couldnt cope with. Mayb because i see my strength as  so integral to my identity, any reminder of the possibility of being vulnerable terrifies me. Selfish? Probably. Something to work on . Yes!! ( i have since explained and apologised to her. Things probably wont be the same but thats ok thats life) 
After that, For my own bc experience originally i only talked to one friend because i knew she had also  been through  bc fairly recently and i wanted to ask her about her experience at the local hospital. We talked a couple of times but she has never mentioned it since, never asked how my surgeries  went. Should i be offended?? I prefer to think its her way of putting her own experiences in the past and coping the way she needs to cope. We talk about our shared passion of music and bc is never mentioned.  Most people i know still hav no idea of what happened to me ( including my now recovered friend that had the throat cancer)  as  i hate talking about personal stuff. I just dont get as  into the sisterhood vibe as much  I would dearly  like to. Any way im admitting this hoping to provide a different perspective in understanding someone who might  not have given the support that was wanted. And maybe lessen a tiny bit of hurt.  I hope every one is feeling 'as good  as can be expected' today. X

I too had the friend baling out issue,best friend since primary school,I got cancer December 2016,after telling her heard nothing for 5 weeks,not even a text, then a short text saying hope you well,that’s it. In 2 years since then 2 more texts,I was quite bitter for awhile,then about  month ago we meet for lunch,  things are different and will never be same between us but the lunch gave me a something like closure and I left it thinking we will happily go our own ways now.like you said there are many other who were there and stepped up,I just move on a invest my time with them.

 @rose It is heartbreaking when 'friends' don't support you - it really hurts.   It has happened to many of us.  Maybe they are scared of saying the wrong thing, so they say nothing.  Maybe they think it is 'catchy' - so stay away.  It happened to my husband with one of his best friends, when he was diagnosed with stomach cancer - I think the friend just found it so confronting that this incredibly fit guy was suddenly struck down with a life threatening disease - and HE just couldn't cope with it.  There's no telling who will support you & who will drop off your radar - and you don't forget it either! 

As @Elizebeth says above - our tolerance for others whinging about minor stuff, when we are going thru major stuff ... is totally gone!  It is like SHUT THE F**K UP!   I also can't be bothered socialising much either - tho made myself attend a couple of outings over Xmas/New Year (and DID enjoy myself!)

I must remember "As good as can be expected", @kmakm - a good response.

Take care, Rose - try not to overthink it - no-one really knows how anyone is going to react in a crisis, until one happens.  We know that WE just have to step up to the plate & get on with it tho!  xxx

@rose The new normal is bloody hard for many. I have this weird thing where inside I feel very distanced from everyone and everything at normal social events. I feel a lack of confidence which isn't helped by the AI word salad and memory issues. But I can fake it quite well. I hope I sync up again soon.

I discussed the response thing with a counsellor once, and we've often talked about it here. She said save the genuine response for your nearest and dearest, and your medical team. Otherwise you open yourself up to hurt. Someone here suggested 'As good as can be expected', which is an excellent answer because it's sufficient on its own, but invites further enquiries from those who wish to have a deeper conversation. I'm also a fan of 'vertical' when I'm in the mood to have a laugh, or be dour. Depends on the delivery!

Take care of yourself Rose. We can always extend understanding to those who struggle with the news of bad things happening to their friends, it can bring up complex emotions and issues. However it is also worth remembering the wise words of Maya Angelou "When people show you who they are, believe them".

For now, you look after you. K xox

This thread is very helpful. And all the best to those awaiting results...I too can't be bothered socialising with people who aren't close friends/colleagues. I'm also tired of the 'how are you?' question. I've been honest with people and tell them I feel like s**t, am not doing well etc. Those who aren't close to me just stare, get embarrassed and change the conversation or move on. Oh well. One of my best friends who lives in a different state could only bring herself to text me a few times throughout this whole ordeal - no phone calls at all. She even didn't bother to ask me about my test results and whether the cancer had spread until a good 10 days after I got the results. Now I'm going through rads, have been for the past 3 weeks - not a peep from her. Looks like my new normal is spending more time with those who have shown they care, and letting her go...Thanks, hope I haven't hijacked this thread.