Forum Discussion

ScorpionQueen's avatar
9 years ago

The death of the 'other' me?

Hi Ladies'  I am really sorry i haven't been here much and contributed the way I used to....the tables have turned, it's my turn to be down in that abyss, as i have so often referred to it myself......be patient with me...be kind to one another and yourselves....I'll be back on track soon....Promise! Xx


From my Facebook blog - An Ordinary Womans Extraordinary Experience

REST, RECOVER, RESTORE

What a difference a week can make! I've hit a low, a dark, scary, cry baby low....I was feeling really well last week (until the aftermath of Saturday night! LOL) and now....well let's just say that EVERY little thing is magnified....

My mind is in overdrive.....what if this, what if that.....why this, why that....what now....when......STOP STOP STOP!!!

I have been feeling somewhat 'left out'....not part of the 'real' world....participating in some kind of weird dream, where you stand still and the rest of the crowd goes whizzing by.....

I so desperately want to get back to my 'old life' BEFORE breast cancer.....where I had my hair, and yes, (I thought I would never say this), my boobs! I miss the way I used to look...the clothes I could wear....

I miss the fact that I could get up and just do things, go for a ride on  the bike with my hubby....go shopping without having to stop or take someone to help me....just be a regular person going about regular every day things.....be spontaneous! if I know I have a big day or night ahead, I have to have a rest for God's sake, so I have the energy to get through that event!

Am I at the grieving stage of my experience? I have read that you grieve and it's part of the healing process....you grieve for what was....If it is I don't like it ...not one bit!.....it HURTS....it's LONELY....my heart is aching and my mind is fighting to stay rational.....

I feel like someone has died....

.....maybe that someone is ME .....the ME before breast cancer....so do I close my eyes and hang on as this rollercoaster takes me down it's steep descent once again? The short answer is YES...

I have no choice but to sit tight and hang on .....no choice but to ride this out.....no choice but to hope I come out the other side with a clear mind and a happy heart once again....