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Piccme's avatar
Piccme
Member
8 years ago

Struggling today

I have only posted a few discussions since joining the network however I just wanted to let you all know that I have spent many hours being comforted and reassured by you all offering your experience, advise and sometimes candid hatred for this sh.. disease! Today however I am really struggling. Over the last two years I have watched my mum struggle with her own cancer battle and resulting dementia. She is in residential care and I have been unable to share with her what is going on with me. My dad has been living by himself for the past two years and has been my rock. I live interstate so haven't been able to travel to see them. My dad is estranged from my sister and until last week I too had not spoken to her for two years. I spoke to dad everyday at the same time so when he missed his call last night I knew something was wrong. I had been planning to go and visit as soon as my treatment was finished. I was pretty sick through chemo and I am now half way through rads. My dad passed away last night, alone at home by himself. This ******* disease didn't let me get another visit in. A couple of weeks ago I received my results back from my prosigna (genome test) which indicated that I had a luminal b high risk 41% reoccurrence probability within the next ten years. Today I just feel that it has not been worth it and am really doubting myself. I know this will pass as I have a good support group around me and I have been seeing a psychologist as many of you have pointed out can be invaluable. I just want to take this opportunity to thank you all for taking the time to care by sharing. Comments may not be directly related to me but without this network and all you wonderful ladies I don't think I would have coped. Thank you all so much and **** cancer! (sorry I hope I don't offend anyone).

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  • Zoffiel's avatar
    Zoffiel
    Member
    8 years ago

    Oh, bugger! I'll say it for you. Fuck Cancer. There, now disapproval can rain down on my head instead of yours. I'm built for it.

    Seriously though, it is really hard when the blows just don't seem to stop. I'm so sorry you have lost your Dad.

    Don't get fixated on the prognostics--we see what we want to according our mood on the day we are looking. Today you see 40% chance of it coming back, on a brighter day you will see 60% chance that it wont. Mine came back, damn it, but I can't let that get me down all the time. It does give me the blues, but even in my circumstances the times I think about it are only a fraction of the times I don't.

    Keep going, eat that elephant one bite at a time. All the best. Marg xxx

  • Hopes_and_Dream's avatar
    Hopes_and_Dream
    Member
    8 years ago
    Hello @Piccme, I am so very sorry for your loss. What a blessing for both of you that you had such a close relationship with your dad. 
    This terrible disease impacts us in so many ways.  All of us who have lost our fathers understand the grief you are feeling.  I hope memories of your dad help you get through this sad time.   Jane xx
  • iserbrown's avatar
    iserbrown
    Member
    8 years ago
    @piccme - sorry to read your post and as I read through I come to realise that your Dad has passed!  That is sad to know that you were unable to be there but you were in thought which counts for a lot.  Grief is never easy and there is no rule book so allow yourself time to grieve and hopefully soon your tears will become smiles of joy as you recall the better times you had together. 
    As to the network, we don't all get on here and comment but we all know it is a comfort to have it here to help us through and or feel better knowing someone else is doing it just as tough!
    Take care and look after yourself and hopefully this BC will be a part of your past and not the future.  xx