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LisaO's avatar
LisaO
Member
8 years ago

So my family have asked me to get help

I'm coming up to my 1st anniversary of being diagnosed. In a recent conversation with my family I have been told that I need to get help, that I need to find someone to talk to because my feelings are not healthy, that I'm not dealing with things very well.
I'm honestly a bit dumbfounded as I thought I was doing well....really well....so are my feelings "normal" after being diagnosed?  Here goes...

Diagnosed last May, Stage 2, full rh mastectomy, full aux clearance, Tamoxifen for 6 months coupled with Zoladex, recently switched to Letrazole Femara coupled with Zoladex.  I'm one of the lucky ones with very minimal side effects...nothing to complain about.  Life is wonderful at the moment. I must admit that I found it harder to recover mentally than physically after being diagnosed...but it has gotten easier with time. I'm very active, returned to work (and love it) and honestly feel fantastic.  I have an absolutely wonderful husband who has supported me and loved me and also given me confidence with my new body image...no reconstruction for me. 

The one thing I have struggled with in living with my new self is the new meaning of time. I cannot process time like "normal people".  I can see and plan 12 months ahead, 2 years in the future now seems like 5 years to me and 5 years ahead is almost impossible for me to comprehend.  Im 52 and a discussion regarding retirement is of no interest to me...too many "what ifs".  Im aware of the beast possibly lurking in the background which could show itself at the drop of a hat. I honestly dont think Im dwelling on the possibility of recurrence whereby its affecting my quality of life...Im just a realist.  I feel that if Im given the all clear in a few weeks...I will be obviously ecstatic and will look forward to busily make plans for the next 12 months...get out there and live...then just like groundhog day do it all over again in 12 months time.

My family do not understand my new meaning of time.  When I explain to them how I feel they look at me like Im talking a foreign language. 

Is my new take on the meaning of time "normal"?  If I seek help will it fix how I feel and then I can sit down and confidently plan retirement and the next 20 years? 
coping
diagnosis
survivorship

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  • Sister's avatar
    Sister
    Member
    8 years ago
    @LisaO If that's all they're concerned with, I think you're rocking it. This stuff is going to change you.   Do you think there's other things they're not saying  though, as lack of planning can be a symptom of PTSD but wouldn't stand alone?  It does sound from your description that's not the case.  However, if it stops the worry, maybe you could see someone - but someone who is experienced with breast cancer and how it affects people.  And I would go one step further and suggest that at the very least, your husband should also see that person so that there can be some reconciliation between your normal and the family's expectations.  By the way, I am 54, love my job although I'm on extended leave at the moment (did some fun work for them yesterday, anyway - don't tell the Super people) and I don't think about retirement as seriously as I should.  It's something vague in the future.  The same goes for plans more than 1 year ahead.  This is pre-cancer non-planning.  Now, just over 3 months from diagnosis, and still undergoing treatment, I'm lucky if I can plan for a month.
  • Zoffiel's avatar
    Zoffiel
    Member
    8 years ago
    I shouldn't smile but I can't help it. You sound like you are doing remarkably well; if your family think you have issues, they need to spend some time with me--its like a day from ''One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest'. You will look like one of the most logical people on the planet after that.

    Seriously though, I think they are over thinking things. You don't feel like planning years ahead? What is the problem with that? The most forward planning thing I do lately is idly considering if songs I hear on the radio are appropriate for funerals. 

    A year on planet BC can be but the blink of a eye--or it can be an eternity. It's not up to anyone else to set expectations  about where you should be 'up to' . If you are cruising along comfortably that is a very good thing --keep  it up, you should be very proud of yourself. Mxxx
  • kmakm's avatar
    kmakm
    Member
    8 years ago
    I am no expert but it sounds like a response that falls on the (admittedly wide) spectrum of normal. Perhaps a chat with someone your family deems to be an expert would reassure them? Your breast care nurse could be a good first port of call. I agree with @afraser, your family's new normal is very different from yours. But also, what you feel now may not be what you feel in a year or so from now. We are not static creatures. Let us know how you get on. All the best.
  • Afraser's avatar
    Afraser
    Member
    8 years ago
    Dear LisaO
    i suppose it depends on priorities - I wouldn't have been much good talking about retirement when I was 52. I'm 72 now and still not talking about it! A life threatening illness can do many things, one of the least worrisome would seem to be a heightened sense of living in and enjoying the present. You have learned the hard way that things aren't always what you planned. And you aren't ready to start making assumptions about the long term future just yet. I suspect your family in turn wants to get back As soon as possible to what was normal before cancer rudely interrupted. Because their normal hasn't changed as much as yours. You may need some help but only in how to explain your perfectly understandable feelings to your family. Your husband sounds very supportive - can you just talk to him and see if he can understand your hesitancy about making long term plans yet? Best wishes.