Pushing away or clinging on?

Obviously by clingy I mean in an emotional sense fully in the horrific context of the shit you go through with breast cancer. Not meaning to say women are ‘needy’ or anything like that. 

Don't think you are bound to do either. As when "well", relations have differing phases and ups and downs. It's perfectly reasonable for someone who is feeling really unwell to either need a lot of support or just want to be alone, depending on circumstances. Hardest thing is possibly to be able to tell others what you need or want. And to realise that other people have their own ups and downs too, bc can make anyone a bit self focussed.

I think I did a bit of both.  There were definitely times when I absolutely needed the emotional support and would have fallen apart without it and there were times when I knew that I had erected a wall.

Both here too.

Do you guys reckon it’s okay to need people when you’re sick? Is it okay to build walls? It’s all for survival ultimately isn’t it. I think it’s okay. 

Just been wondering whether I’m a bad person for being pretty up and down (like, really up and down!) over the past couple of years. 

I imagine that depends on your definition of a bad person. Serial killing, abusing children, destroying people's happiness and well being? Probably so. Being changeable, possibly for very good reasons, may not always be easy to live with but it does not make you a bad person! But bc can sometimes be a productive time to do a bit of an emotional stocktake - what's past its ' best by' date, what works for you, what really doesn't? What makes you happy? What do you keep doing even though it doesn't really make you happy? I found thinking through a lot of those things, with some professional guidance, was immensely useful. It's still a work in progress but as Socrates almost said, 'The unexamined life may be less worth living'. Best wishes

Many people, in fact most people I'd hazard, like to be needed. It makes us feel loved and appreciated. I really struggled with asking for help at the beginning of my BC, but got better at it as I went along.

The best way for me to approach it was to reverse the scenario. If it was one of my close friends who was ill and needing help, of course I'd want to help. In fact I'd be a bit hurt if they didn't ask me.

I'm someone who likes to be on my own as much as I like company. So sometimes I just didn't want any help or company.

These aspects are part of my character in general, not just in times of stress. I think most people with a skerrick of emotional intelligence understand the ebbs and flows of wanting company and the desire to be alone.

So yes, I think it's OK to need people when you're sick, but also to withdraw. You've gotta do what you need to do to get through.

I hate being smothered with 'good intentions' but I appreciated being 'supported'.  

I told everyone that I wanted jokes, not tears & fears ..... and most behaved well!

Being up & down is a part of most people's reaction to being told they have cancer of any sort & throughout the active treatment & even afterwards - but I really DO think that BC has an extra 'emotional content' that most of us hadn't factored into our recovery.  

Everyone is different in the way they attack this mongrel of a disease ..... so everyone is 'right' I reckon  ;)    Whatever works for you - do it.

All the best to those doing it tough just now  xxxx

I don't think BC changes who we are, and I believe we handle it in the same way we have managed major hurdles in the past. Some send out a distress call and want to have all hands on deck, some run for the hills and keep secrets, there are  the instant experts who research, others put their heads under the blanket and chant. Many of us oscillate between one response and another

I've always been insular, with the strange exception of this site. Bless the internet. My first reaction to stress is 'Get away from me while I figure this out.' That's pretty hard on those who care for you unless, of course, they are used to it and see that as a valuable trait. Honesty is best. Mxx

I think you need to do what works for you. I became exhausted trying to protect other people and work out how to support them through my treatment. I was surrounded by a supportive family and friends, but sometimes I just needed time to myself.

I hope there’s someone you can talk to and who can support you. The Cancer Council have counsellors who will listen to you (5 free counselling sessions - plus phone support from nurses) and you can be completely honest with them. All the best.