Forum Discussion
Drowning in anxiety and fear
Hi everyone.
This is is my first blog ever and one that I am both keen to write in the hope of gaining some support and release from the emotional pain but that I am also fearful of writing as it makes my diagnosis real. I was diagnosed yesterday with breast cancer. At this stage they are unsure if it is in my lymph nodes also. I have an appointment with the surgeon to have my 3cm lump removed along with the lymph nodes on my left side.
after this I know nothing, just that there will be more waiting for results until I find out if this cancer is curable. At least that is how I feel. I have avoided 'googling' anything as every waking second of my days since finding the lump, 7 days now, have been consumed by shaking, crying, disbelief, wanting to crawl into a hole till it's all done or until someone tells me they made a mistake.
ive had anxiety and depression before but this is inescapable. It cycles around and around but only changes it's intensity never really going away. I can't function. I've tried distracting myself but that I have found is useless. I've tried pouring myself into my 3 and 7 year old boys lives and being present with them. But this only lasts 10 min or so before my fears take over again. My husband is doing his best but I just can't get hopeful. I fear that the surgeon is going to tell me he couldn't get it, that I will have ongoing anxiety just waiting for the next lot of tests to see if it has shrunk or if it is killing me.
My diagnosis came one year to the day of the death of my close friend from secondary cancer. she stayed cancer free for only 2 years. How am I supposed to be hopeful when even if this goes well I still might get sick again? What if it's already gone too far? These are the thoughts consuming me.
I have always thought if myself as a strong woman but I cannot find one ounce of strength right now. I need hope, please someone help me find hope, help me get out of this emotional jail I am cowering in the corner of.
I know there are good news stories. I know success rates are high But I feel like i won't be one of those people. Something in the way each of the doctors and ultrasound scan people have spoken to me. No one has said I caught it early, no one has said I will just need surgery, my gp could only say "we have found it now" when I asked her for some positive feedback.
How am I supposed to find hope in that?
39 Replies
Thanks Robyn. It is amazing how kind words from those who know can make things that little bit better x
- Hi Anita:) I can feel a TINY bit of 'I can do this' creeping in to your post.And you can and will do it!!I am 59 and when I was told I needed a mastectomy,a year ago now,I was scared absolutely witless! Like you,I had never been in hospital,except to have my 3 children.I truly thought my life was coming to a quick end! Lol.I had a sentinel node biopsy,which is the test you are talking about.Its not at all,painful.I had a mastectomy,and it was surprisingly pain free(as all the ladies on here told me it would be!) and then I had chemo.Again,I was fine,and it was no way as bad as I had feared! When you have your treatment plan,don't be scared.Just come on here,and there will be many ladies that have been through the same stuff,and they will be able to tell,you just how it is.Big hugxxxRobyn
Hi Anita, The kit that the ladies have been referring to is the 'My Journey Kit' - it is a free, comprehensive information resource for women newly diagnosed with breast cancer. It is easy to read and follow and alot of women say it put them at ease knowing they could refer to it when they were ready. You can order it online, or by phoning our offices on 1800 500 258.
Hi Anita
I don't know if this help. One of the things that help me was to write down the questions for the drs. I had questions as I was careful with what I read online. The unknown was what raised my anxiousness. I still write down questions/issues today to discuss with the drs. Once written down I feel I can put it aside. Of course it still play on the mind but I felt I will not forget to raise those issues with the drs and not be thinking about it all the time.
Hi Anita
I don't know if this help. One of the things that help me was to write down the questions for the drs. I had questions as I was careful with what I read online. The unknown was what raised my anxiousness. I still write down questions/issues today to discuss with the drs. Once written down I feel I can put it aside. Of course it still play on the mind but I felt I will not forget to raise those issues with the drs and not be thinking about it all the time.
Everything. It gives information, comfort, stories from other women, practical help on everything from account keeping charts to contact phone numbers. When I woke up early, I used to read it - there are several books - with a cup of tea, and started the day much more calmly. Keep in touch and let us know how you are going. Michelle xx
So sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I too had a close friend who pass away a year after her diagnosis 3 years ago. That was my first encounter of a person I know (apart from my grandma who also likely had breast cancer but I was too little to understand then). So I can somewhat understand your association with that. But I have since realised that each case is different and outcomes are different.
I too was scared and frighten when I was first diagnosed end of last November. I was incapacitated and could not do anything. Fortunately my husband is there for me, making drs appointments, taking calls, cooking, washing and also ordering the 'my journey kit'. I had to learn to take one day at a time (advice given to me by the ladies here) and not to think too far ahead. Not easy but it did really help me in those days. I did not settle down until my chemo started. I also got some meditation cd from cancer council which helped me a little.
Hope was what I looked for too. I shall always be grateful to my friend from overseas who wrote to me with hopeful stories of people we know.
I find that the drs don't like to say anything (eg early or not) until they get the results from the tests and scans. I don't think they are hiding anything. These are hard weeks but try to take a day at a time and not to think too far ahead.
Do take care and come back here for support.
C xx
So sorry to hear of your diagnosis. I too had a close friend who pass away a year after her diagnosis 3 years ago. That was my first encounter of a person I know (apart from my grandma who also likely had breast cancer but I was too little to understand then). So I can somewhat understand your association with that. But I have since realised that each case is different and outcomes are different.
I too was scared and frighten when I was first diagnosed end of last November. I was incapacitated and could not do anything. Fortunately my husband is there for me, making drs appointments, taking calls, cooking, washing and also ordering the 'my journey kit'. I had to learn to take one day at a time (advice given to me by the ladies here) and not to think too far ahead. Not easy but it did really help me in those days. I did not settle down until my chemo started. I also got some meditation cd from cancer council which helped me a little.
Hope was what I looked for too. I shall always be grateful to my friend from overseas who wrote to me with hopeful stories of people we know.
I find that the drs don't like to say anything (eg early or not) until they get the results from the tests and scans. I don't think they are hiding anything. These are hard weeks but try to take a day at a time and not to think too far ahead.
Do take care and come back here for support.
C xx
