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gen_evievy's avatar
gen_evievy
Member
11 years ago

Days like these.....

So, I've survived my last round of Taxotere.  I still can't really believe it actually - and the fact that I'm on my worst day of side effects today probably isn't helping me to see the light at the end of the tunnel even though I know it's definitely there!  Even though I have lots of good painkillers my fingernails are very sore today so typing is a challenge today but I just wanted to connect a little bit so I thought I'd suck it up.

My family and friends say to me about how proud I should be about how far I've come and what I've been through - and I know they mean well and say it because they love me and want to keep my spirits up.  And honestly, what else is there to say really?  But even at this point it's hard for me to look at it like that - as soon as the diagnosis was out of the mouth of my doctor it was simply a choice of survival or not survival, just doing what had to be done I guess.  But really, no one knows what you go through each day unless they've been through it themself so some days all the positivity in the world that gets thrown at you can feel like platitudes.  Did I mention to watch out for the depression with Taxotere?  It'll creep up on you out of nowhere.  This is only a mini pity-party - I really do try hard to stay on top of my mental and emotional reactions to this illness and the treatment that goes along with it - but it's been a particularly hard week and I'm feeling it.

But right now, I just want my life back - even though it really will never be the same again, and I think that's a positive thing to come out of being cancer girl - I just want to not feel like shit every day, I want eyelashes and eyebrows again, I want to not cry every single day about something, I want to not feel like eating everything in the fridge because of the steroids I'm taking, I want to be able to sleep past 3am just one night. I want to not be so fatigued all the time that when the boredom of being in bed all morning forces me to get up and do something - that I can make it further than the bottom of the stairs before literally not being able to go any further.

There's no real message in this post.  Every cancer is different, every treatment cycle is different, every side effect is different.  Some days the hardest part is just going with whatever the day throws at you - even if it's nothing tangible, just a visit from the black dog.  And then finding a way to get downstairs and eat the lemon cheesecake your flatmate made last night.

5 Replies

  • Cook65's avatar
    Cook65
    Member
    11 years ago
    It's just horrible when you are feeling so awful on every level. Sometimes this process feels never ending and although people think they are saying the right thing, they just don't understand the impact of what they are saying. You do get sick of putting on "the face". It's ok to feel like this. For a lot of us it is part of the process. After 8 months of this crap, I want my life back too. Just try to take each day as it comes, acknowledge the feelings as they come. Getting through chemo is a huge thing. It won't truly feel over until you start to feel better. Hang in there. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Love Karen xox
  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    11 years ago

    Many of us have been where you are right now. It can be so hard to see past the awful reality of what you feel like right now. No energy, lots of pain, no taste buds and no one to tell you when you will ever feel great again. You can't distract yourself because you are utterly incapable of actually doing anything! A big part of this is how our world narrows down to just this matter of surviving treatment because it takes so much to just do that, both physically and emotionally. 

    But having been where you are now, I can tell you that it will start to get better from this point on. The first bit of recovery took about a month for me. Then a bit of a set back with the fatigue from radiotherapy. Once I could start to do things again I really started to feel more normal. The really amazing thing is how very, very good it feels to rejoin the big world again. Everything seemed better than before because of those weeks and weeks of not feeling good. You are about to experience the better part of this process. The worst is truly behind you and each day now is a day closer to the good things not a day closer to the next round of being knocked to the ground.

    Step by step you will recover and we will be here if you need some encouragement or just someone to listen and understand. Take care and hope you feel better soon. Deanne xxx

  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    11 years ago

    Many of us have been where you are right now. It can be so hard to see past the awful reality of what you feel like right now. No energy, lots of pain, no taste buds and no one to tell you when you will ever feel great again. You can't distract yourself because you are utterly incapable of actually doing anything! A big part of this is how our world narrows down to just this matter of surviving treatment because it takes so much to just do that, both physically and emotionally. 

    But having been where you are now, I can tell you that it will start to get better from this point on. The first bit of recovery took about a month for me. Then a bit of a set back with the fatigue from radiotherapy. Once I could start to do things again I really started to feel more normal. The really amazing thing is how very, very good it feels to rejoin the big world again. Everything seemed better than before because of those weeks and weeks of not feeling good. You are about to experience the better part of this process. The worst is truly behind you and each day now is a day closer to the good things not a day closer to the next round of being knocked to the ground.

    Step by step you will recover and we will be here if you need some encouragement or just someone to listen and understand. Take care and hope you feel better soon. Deanne xxx

  • Chorsell's avatar
    Chorsell
    Member
    11 years ago
    Oh I hear you .... I had one of those days yesterday - it was almost like I was tired of putting my happy face on for everyone else and trying to be normal. Normal at the moment is not what I would class as normal and knowing I have another 3 or 4 surgeries to go just makes me so frustrated sometimes - everything seems to be on hold till all the surgeries are over... And I just want my life back. I know there are a lot of positives in there somewhere but yesterday I just needed to feel sorry for myself and have a good cry... I feel a lot better today... And you are right there is something about the connection of this group because even though our journeys are different it makes a big difference sharing with someone who understands... I hope you have a better day tomorrow and as much as we like to look for the final goal post - sometimes we have to take much smaller steps - Sending big hugs Chris xxxx
  • Chorsell's avatar
    Chorsell
    Member
    11 years ago
    Oh I hear you .... I had one of those days yesterday - it was almost like I was tired of putting my happy face on for everyone else and trying to be normal. Normal at the moment is not what I would class as normal and knowing I have another 3 or 4 surgeries to go just makes me so frustrated sometimes - everything seems to be on hold till all the surgeries are over... And I just want my life back. I know there are a lot of positives in there somewhere but yesterday I just needed to feel sorry for myself and have a good cry... I feel a lot better today... And you are right there is something about the connection of this group because even though our journeys are different it makes a big difference sharing with someone who understands... I hope you have a better day tomorrow and as much as we like to look for the final goal post - sometimes we have to take much smaller steps - Sending big hugs Chris xxxx