A blue day.

Hi my Pink Sisters. I am sitting out in the sun this morning reflecting on this past year. On a lovely day like this I should be happy. I thought I'd be well on the way to feeling 'normal' again by now but I don't. Guess I feel a bit depressed today and perhaps the last few days. I am so sick of being sore and so so tired all the time. My nightly needles hurt like hell and it really puts a dampener on my days no matter how 'up' I feel. The alarm goes off at 8.30pm and I just sink. The Femara I think is making my joints stiff and aching and it's hard to move after I've been still for a time. Hard to get out of bed. I wake up feeling like I've seized up. The rest of my toe nails are falling off so I can't wear open toed shoes. I'm uncomfortable wearing my normal clothes (usually jeans and Tshirts) because my tummy wound is still very sore. I'm unmotivated to do anything. I am feeling sorry for myself and I know I shouldn't be. I know there are a lot of people worse off than me but I can't help it right now. I'm just miserable. I woke up at 4am last night and just cried. I'm so frustrated with this whole business. My Onc said last Wednesday at my review appt that things should settle down in 12 to 18 months. I was so upset at that because I've already gone through the worse year of my life. People have said to me "well next year you'll be fine" and I believed them but now I'm not so sure. It makes me shudder thinking I'll be on the Femara for 5 possibly 10 years. I want my quality of life back. My hair is growing back but it's totally grey. It's greyer than my 77 year old mother's. I'm not ready for that. I feel like what was left of my 'youth' has been snatched away and I'm old before my time. Ladies I am writing to get this crap off my chest and somewhere in there I know I'll feel better soon but not now. It's sometimes hard to live up to others expectations. They expect me to be back to normal now enjoying my "time off work". They say the worse is behind me and maybe it is but I don't see clear light yet. I'm still in the tunnel. Sometimes I move closer to the end but then I'm pulled back a way. I guess it's that old saying "two steps forward one step back". Thanks for listening. Janey xxx