Hello Nix
So sorry to see you here. Hopefully your results are negative, but itās still a very stressful time youāre going through.
This is quite a delicate topic, but I also think itās a really important one, so Iāll share my experience with you.
I started dating a guy beginning of January last year. Iād already felt my lump, but thought it was most likely not anything and forgot to get it checked due to already being stressed about something else, and being too busy. I found it again almost mid February, and made and app with my GP. I told the guy I was dating of course, who until then seemed really keen on me, and even told me I was perfect for him. That I was the perfect āpartnerā. He was supportive and told me it would be fine. He asked if Iād made an appointment, and kept checking with me to see how I was going. I was living on Central Coast then and him in Syd, so we couldnāt see each other every day. Also, he told me he wasnāt a talk-on-the-phone person, so mostly we texted when we were apart.
Anyway, I eventually got diagnosed and saw a specialist. I saw the guy two more times after that, then it was only texting because of Covid. He texted me every day, all day. I had my double mastectomy, and again he texted to see how it went. After that, at post op, I was told Iād need more surgery. I had issues with the surgeon regarding this, and started to get anxiety. I tried speaking (texting) to my āpartnerā about it, but heād disappear mid conversation. Then he told me that weekends he was trying to be tech-free, so Iād hear nothing from him for about 2-3 days. Then he started texting less and less even weekdays.
Two weeks after my DMX, I went for my second surgery. I was in prep, and he still hadnāt texted me good luck or to even see how I was. I ended up getting a fever while in prep and surgery was postponed. I wrote to him about it. He was surprised it was on that day, as he thought due to my issues with the surgeon it might have been called off. All that made me realise was, just how uninterested he seemed in me and the whole thing. Then I started getting really angry that not only did he not ask to visit me while in hospital for the DMX, he didnāt even freaking call. I just thought I donāt care if youāre not a phone person. If your āpartnerā has just had a double mastectomy, you MOFO CALL HER!!!! And if sheās having trouble with the medical team, and feeling anxious and depressed, you need to be there to help her through it!!! Thatās a true partner, not someone who only wants you when itās all flowers and rainbows. A fairweather partner.
I was fuming that I was āperfectā while I seemed ok, but the second I got sick that was it. I called him out on it the day before I was supposed to have the surgery again for the third time. Through text again, of course. I told him I didnāt appreciate the lies and pretence, and all he had to do, if he felt like he couldnāt support me, was freaking tell me. I know most people donāt know how to deal with ca, I understand that. But a partner should be there no matter what. In that moment I told myself I didnāt need him, or any other guy, to fight and overcome ca. Iād always relied on myself for everything, so I could do this too on my own, with my own unconditional love and respect for myself. I also cancelled the third surgery and changed surgeons. Most liberating feeling ever. Anxiety and depression both f***ed off after that.
And about 3 weeks later, I met my current partner, the most wonderful and caring man Iāve ever met. Supported me 100% through the whole thing. And just made it all the more clear how disgusting that other guyās behaviour was. I still rely on myself and am my own go to person, but it feels so wonderful to have such an amazing partner that I know is also there for me, no matter what. That I can lean on him in my many moments of doubt and fear, in any area in life.
Typing this, my anger is resurfacing, because I donāt think itās ok to get this treatment and to keep making excuses for these people. When itās not ok, itās not ok. And we shouldnāt feel guilty for admitting that and demanding more. It needs to be give/take, in both good and bad times. Anyone can be a good partner when life is perfect. But thatās not a real partner, and life is never perfect.
I knew that the way that guy was treating me wasnāt right from the beginning, but I kept it going because in that extremely difficult and vulnerable time, I didnāt think I could do it on my own. I felt crushed. That is until I had had enough, and my dignity and self respect started screaming at me. Thatās why I want to emphasise that I still rely on myself, because in life people come and go, but you are your one constant. And I never again want to lose sight of myself and think I canāt do anything without support. Because I can. The support is wonderful and beautiful, and Iād love to always have it, but itās a bonus, not a must. Thatās if Iām single. If Iām with a partner, his support, in addition to my own, is then a must.
Sorry for the very long reply, but itās a sensitive topic. And I think a lot of women find themselves in similar situations, but feel too scared to admit it even to themselves, let alone their partners, and so they suffer in silence. But it shouldnāt be like that. We deserve a loving and caring partner, especially when the chips are down. I hope more women start fighting for themselves.
Once again, sorry for the essay. This was just my experience. I hope it helps you somewhat, and good luck šā„ļø.
M Xx
