Forum Discussion
Are you a breast cancer survivor who happens to be childless?
I have been a member of this online network since 2014, just after my diagnosis. At a recent breast cancer seminar at a city near where I live, something hit me like it hasn't in all this time, the subject of survivors who happen to be childless. I thought to myself, "Noone talks about this. Why?"
This has led me to do my research, as you do, I found this demographic of women are at higher risk of breast and ovarian cancer. It is explained this way, you are at a lower risk of diagnosis if you have children.
Interesting I thought, Nuns are at a higher risk of breast cancer and ovarian, not that I am a Nun but an interesting statistic that gets me thinking. Which brings me to why I am posting.
I am putting it out there in a courageous way to see if there is another like me. Courageous because for 30 years after my extensive efforts to go forth and multiply I walked away childless. The one thing I learned was to keep it to yourself as I found there were lots of people willing to give you their advice, just like they do with breast cancer 'cures', an emotive issue is best kept to yourself for your own emotional survival.
I am running a personal survey just to see if there are other women within this network who are in the same boat as me. Does anyone else feel a little left out when sitting in a seminar and not to be included in the discussions? I tell ya, there is a real sense of alienation, but culturally we are told to, 'just get over it', which is fine and life for me has been fulfilling in spite of it all.
My GP doesn't know of another single patient like me which isn't very encouraging in finding my tribe, my mother always said I am different when all you want to do is be like everyone else. So please step forward if you are like me or if you know someone who has a similar story.
I feel it is a subject that needs discussion and inclusion because in society we, the childless women are 1 in 5, by choice or by circumstance.
Cheers Janet
This has led me to do my research, as you do, I found this demographic of women are at higher risk of breast and ovarian cancer. It is explained this way, you are at a lower risk of diagnosis if you have children.
Interesting I thought, Nuns are at a higher risk of breast cancer and ovarian, not that I am a Nun but an interesting statistic that gets me thinking. Which brings me to why I am posting.
I am putting it out there in a courageous way to see if there is another like me. Courageous because for 30 years after my extensive efforts to go forth and multiply I walked away childless. The one thing I learned was to keep it to yourself as I found there were lots of people willing to give you their advice, just like they do with breast cancer 'cures', an emotive issue is best kept to yourself for your own emotional survival.
I am running a personal survey just to see if there are other women within this network who are in the same boat as me. Does anyone else feel a little left out when sitting in a seminar and not to be included in the discussions? I tell ya, there is a real sense of alienation, but culturally we are told to, 'just get over it', which is fine and life for me has been fulfilling in spite of it all.
My GP doesn't know of another single patient like me which isn't very encouraging in finding my tribe, my mother always said I am different when all you want to do is be like everyone else. So please step forward if you are like me or if you know someone who has a similar story.
I feel it is a subject that needs discussion and inclusion because in society we, the childless women are 1 in 5, by choice or by circumstance.
Cheers Janet
141 Replies
- This might be an interesting read for some.....
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/oct/02/the-desire-to-have-a-child-never-goes-away-how-the-involuntarily-childless-are-forming-a-new-movement ; - Here are a couple of links Marianne sent me recently. I thought might be of interest to you. The reason for this post has been to gain information relevant to our situation. Let me know your thoughts on how many think this is a good idea.....
In regards to the possible impact of fertility treatment on breast cancer, I have two links that may be of interest to you
https://www.varta.org.au/sites/varta/files/Possible%20health%20effects%20of%20IVF%20-%20April%202016_0.pdf
This is the peak IVF organisation in Victoria
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jama/fullarticle/2533505
This article is based on a large number of women who undertook IVF in the early days of IVF in the Netherlands (and its a recent study) so I thought it might be of interest to you.
I have been trying to get more relevant links but so far I am finding it a little difficult to find. If anyone has any interesting info to share, greatly appreciated!
Cheers Janet - @annsan Wishing you all the best for your ongoing treatment - you sure have been thru the mill for so many years! :( Big Hugs coming your way from me! xx
I wonder if they have done extensive research on mothers who DIDN'T breastfeed that went on to get BC - what the statistics are? Maybe we should do a poll? 1) No children, never pregnant. 2) No children, miscarriages. 3) Children, didn't breast feed. 4) Children, breast fed.
..... I think you and I have the same sister as mine does and says the exact same things that yours did!! .... OMG - that is MY sister as well!! She is currently telling my brother that I am FINE (after visiting for 1 week over easter) - that there is nothing wrong with me & she knows sweet F*CK ALL about what I've been thru and about to go thru with Tamoxifen or whatever tablets I end up on, let alone the psychological impact of it all! Which surprises me, as she has suffered from migraines & major depression for most of her life & expects sympathy or at least 'understanding' from everyone else!!Your observation re being the youngest sibling with the older sister having no problems with fertility is a brilliant observation! YES - THAT IS also ME! My sister has 4 children & would have had more except for miscarriages.
@AllyJay
How sad - yes, people can be SO cruel. The forced separation of mothers & babies and stigma attached (particularly from WW2 on) is so much more out in the open now - and let's face it .... but for the grace of god (and an awful lot of luck ....) it could have been any one of us!! I had a 'pregnancy scare' after my first sexual experience - lucky for me it didn't happen (I was just late!) I have a fair idea of what I WOULD have done, had it happened ...
BC (and all cancers) are totally non discriminatory - and none of us are here by choice - but it is just terrific having the support of fellow BCers here on BCNA - where we can vent our feelings & fears. HUGS ALL ROUND!
@jena Raelene Boyle is a fantastic role model in everything she currently does & has done in her life. It is a shame that some people try to compartmentalise things and people ..... Rich Poor, Tall Short, Beautiful Ugly, Gay Straight ..... it just shows their own ignorance & intolerance! :( I'd be very surprised if you are the only Gay Girl on the forum .... so hold your head high anyway! xx - @AllyJay I’m so sorry to hear u were treated like that - people can be so cruel. I would love to live in a world where people were accepted just because they are a good person regardless of sexual orientation, gender, colour or any of the personal decisions we that we make in our lives.
- Very interesting thread here. I too was a square peg in a round hole in one regard. I was a teenager, 42 years ago, when I was forced into relinquishing my firstborn daughter to adoption. I was a mother, but I wasn't. Society treated me and my ilk like pariahs...I mean really...what kind of mother would give her child away?? Not even a dog would let you take her puppies...such and much more in that vein was overheard in conversations. "Real" mothers who had lost their babies to stillbirth, miscarriage or neonatal death were supported. Cards of condolence, flowers, visits and companionship were and are common. However for relinquishing mothers of past generations there was nothing. No support of any kind, just vicious condemnation. We never know who is in the room and what hats they wear and thus how our conversations may affect others. I suspect there may even be some transgender folks sitting on the sidelines of this group, If not now, possibly in the future. My DIL has a sibling who is transgender (female to male) who has many friends in the trans world. I worry for them about all the hormones both camps take and the possible future ramifications to them as far as cancer goes. I did pull Lee's leg when he returned from Thailand after having both breasts removed, that he could have put them in a Jiffy Bag and brought them home for me. It was quite strange really, I'd lost my breasts unhappily, and Lee was so delighted and relieved to have the body (upper at least) which fitted. All about perspective.
- Nor should it be considered special circumstances @"Janet A"
- Thank you for the further comments, I keep thanking everyone because reading all this feedback gives me a heart so full! At first, I was very cautious in saying anything, sitting in the seminar that day with the speaker giving great advice to women with families with ideas for supporting them, where to go what to do. Mentioning my situation to one of the speakers left her speechless, she hadn't thought about it, I must say she was a great speaker and to her credit, at the end of the day, she made mention of the childless women in the room. And now knowing the risks of childlessness and bc just makes it silly not giving mention, doesn't it? This is my motivation.
@jena. thank you for sharing your story and I am so pleased you have a great support network. You hit the nail on the head, to be included in the conversation. The more we talk about it I feel, will change the perception of the minority and hopefully, we can openly talk about our situation without looking like the weirdo in the room.
@Sister I guess we wish for subjects to be discussed that are relevant to our situation in learning about coping mechanisms with the lack of support in not having a family, the risks for our demographic group, and for me living in a remote area after moving just before diagnosis. I called all the support services in my area and there was nothing that I could relate to, sure I could sit in on some which I did but found myself having nothing to contribute so I stopped going. I don't expect special treatment which unfortunately is how it was perceived. - @sister amazing words. I am 43 and childless by choice and if I could of had my tubes tied in my 30’s I probably would of as I have never been maternal. In my mid 20’s I copped a lot of flack for not wanting to have children and was always told that I “had to have 1” or “it’s different when it’s hour own”. I’m happy now that the landscape has changed somewhat and when clients at work ask if I have kids there are more positive responses than not. It’s pretty disturbing to think that my decision to not have children could of contributed to me having breast cancer but life is a roll of the dice and you have to live your life the way that makes u happy.
- I started following this thread due to the IVF bits and I'm an imposter because I do have kids so feel free to tell me to get off if I'm coming in with my Size 10s (actually more like 11s) where I'm not wanted.
A lot of us talk about our kids because they a)take so much energy and time, and b)we're so scared of leaving them prematurely. I really hope that it doesn't seem like we're making it a less than welcoming place for childless people (by choice or circumstance). As I mentioned earlier in this discussion, many of my friends are childless, mostly by choice, and it has never been a dividing factor in our friendships, nor in the support that we give each other. My longest time, closest friend is both childless and a lesbian. When she came out in her 30s (after years of soul-searching and tears), I went to all the gay bars and her first support group with her as she knew no-one on the scene, so I know, second-hand, how hard it can be to feel that the world is set up for others @jena. Please don't ever feel on this network that you're excluded on the basis of sexuality or childlessness. As far as I'm concerned, you're another woman who has navigated her way to the age she is as best she can - and that's all you can say for any of us. - Hi @Janet. I am 59 and childless by choice. I was diagnosed with early breast cancer in 2014 then on 1May 2017, with metastatic breast cancer.
I have a loving long term partner a marvellous family and some very dear old friends who are always there if needed. My brother, who lives about an 8hr drive away, would be here tomorrow if I needed him for anything. Same with my sister, until March this year when she was diagnosed with early breast cancer. The only cancer known of in my family was my Dad’s grandmother who had breast cancer. My sister was diagnosis with a different cancer to mine ... what rotten luck is that!
Despite the ghastly reality of living with metastatic breast cancer, I am blessed in have an amazing support network.
Try being queer and childless in the VERY staight world of the bc network. Rayleen Boyle was a welcome breath of fresh air when I heard her speak at an event in Ballina last year. Nice not to be the only queer gal in the room for a change. Most information and events effectively exclude my existence. I’m used to it but it would be good to meet other queer woman living with bc and to be included in at least the odd discussion.
Thank you for your efforts Janet. Good on you for highlighting the issue. Even though some of the women here are not childless by choice, I sure we all feel happy and fulfilled in different ways to those with kids. I’m certainly happy with my choice and have never had a moments regret.
