Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- I like that one @arpie.
The last four years have been filled with cancer and deaths. I said to my husband this morning that I'd like 2019 to be a year with no major illnesses or deaths for our family. I honestly don't like our chances but maybe, just maybe.
Sounds like you're having a bit of a tough time yourself R. Sending you a big hug you crazy uke lady. K xox - Tick that fucking year off, @kmakm - it is now behind you! .... Hopefully the next 12 months will be easier on you xxxx
- kmakm from me with energy to be proud you have walked thus far.
- @Sister @arpie Today is my anniversary. Is it yours too @Anne65?
- All the best for today, @Anne65 - thinking of you xxx
- @Anne65 Thinking of you today (have I got the date right?). All the best and fingers crossed for you!
- Yeah me too @Sister
@kmakm .I actually found the second one worse. The first one was so close to the end of my treatment (4 months) that I really didn't contemplate that their might be anything wrong at that stage. It was still nerve wracking but I though I would have to be bloody unlucky to find anything then.
It's odd. I used to dream a lot before this and could usually remember what I had dreamt about. Some nasty ones between diagnosis and getting poisened but since chemo I hardly ever remember dreaming anything. Probably because I was awake half the freakin night for such a long time so maybe no time to dream Hehehe. - I managed to back to sleep after waking crying and panting from a dream where I was back in hospital having another operation.
Honestly, this anniversary stuff sucks big time! Is the first one the worst? Do they ease up for the later ones? I've had more nightmares this year than in the previous 30... - @kezmusc Hope it is resolved in the best possible way
- Thinking of you @kmakm ..... big hugs xx
