Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- Screw "new normal" & "Journey". They should be wiped from the vocabulary. Resistance is not a bad thing means there's still a whole lot of fight in there.
Quite honestly, I found pissed off was a better place to be than cloudy fog of doom. You will get there K. Honestly. India and break time are so close. Time to breath and recentre.
All my love xoxoxox - Today is the anniversary of receiving my callback letter from Breastscreen and the nightmare beginning. At about 5.30pm tonight it will be a full year of this new and diminished life. I'm still pissed off, still struggling to accept my reality. I have so much to be grateful for and I know my psyche needs to accept my f*****g new normal (geeze I hate that phrase) but there's so much resistance still. So much work still to be done. I'm trying. If you need help, I hope everyone is getting it. K xox
- Fantastic news @arpie!!!
- Whoo hoo @arpie! Onwards and upwards. K xox
- Awesome arpie bloody awesome news
- What a relief
- Happy news, congratulations!
- @arpie great news !!
Cheers xxx - Brilliant news @arpie,
So glad to hear. It's such a huge relief to get that over with.
xoxoxo - @kezmusc .... @SoldierCrab .....@Anne65 ....
I arrived well in time for the appointment - and the receptionist from my first discussion was correct!! The Mammogram was deemed 'unnecessary' ( as was mentioned by the recetionist some weeks ago when initially I rang for my appointment) so we just went ahead with the Ultrasound. I chatted with the lady & she reckons that even with my dense breast tissue their 'you beaut' 3D mammogram WILL show any calcification that are tumours (which I had done back in July & was clear. She did a thorough ultrasound and was very happy with everything. She identified the area of concern from July and wasn't worried about it .... so all is good!! I don't see my Rad Onc until March or April next year, unless something of concern pops up ....
All the best for all those going for their checkups xxx
Thank you for your support xxxx
