Forum Discussion
Anniversary
Today is the first anniversary of my mammogram. I was pretty stony faced. Nine months before my sister had died from breast cancer and I was resentful of the inefficiency at the front desk, the pink positivity messages and images plastered everywhere, and the long wait, despite the fact I had an appointment. I was asked if I wanted to take part in a study comparing detection results between 2D and 3D mammograms. I'd be randomly assigned. Always happy to be part of a medical study I said yes. I got 2D.
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
It was a shabby shabby building, not a nice environment. The woman doing the mammogram was professional. Serious, but pleasant enough. She made small talk about kids, mine, hers. I get it, but I really didn't want to talk. I just wanted it over and done with, to get the hell out of that dingy place. The mammogram was uncomfortable but no more than that.
As I was getting dressed she said sorry, I just need to do one more. Why? The image is a bit blurred, it's not unusual, the plates might have shifted slightly. Bra off and back I went. After it was all done she wished me good luck. Why? With the teenagers she said. Oh yes, you too.
I left, recovered my mood and congratulated myself on getting it done, how efficient and good I am. Virtuous even...
The boob she re-imaged (blurred image my foot) was the right one with the tumour in it, and three weeks later I knew what the good luck wishes meant.
It's weird how the anniversaries of trauma are unsettling. I mean, time is a manmade construct and it's just another day determined by how long our planet takes to travel round the sun, right? I mentioned it to the psych on Thursday and she said the memories trigger our nervous systems to 'remember' as well, and we physically relive our response. I don't have trauma round that mammogram, but three weeks from now I won't be able to say 'this time last year I was happy' etc. My naive innocence was about to end and as I approach that time I am feeling unsettled by it.
I theory my life is better now. I'm certainly healthier with, as far as I'm aware, a body free of cancer. However in fact, I'm sadder, sorer, mutilated, diminished and more tired. It's difficult to feel it's a victory. I hope the second anniversaries are better than the first ones.
How are your anniversaries?
194 Replies
- All the best @arpie,
Fingers and toes crossed for you. xo - It could also be some nerves reknitting themselves @arpie
was about 1 yr from surgery when I got that happening. - Many Thanks for you thoughts & wishes @Anne65 - I have a uke buddy going with me for backup. Weirdly tho - I've been getting those 'stabbing pains' that you get thru radiation happening in the last few days, & it is a bit tender again! Can Seromas come back?? All will be revealed tomorrow I guess - they were really wonderful at the last checkup - actually pulling me over to check out the images on the screen, to explain them to me fully. That's why I go back to Port Mac, Hermitage Radiology! Tho I won't know the results til next week sometime!
My thoughts are with everyone going thru their anniversary tests just now! All the best xxxx - @ arpie Thinking of you & wishing you lots of love, hugs & support as you have your first anniversary mammo tomorrow. Think positive & please let us know how you get on. There are a few of us due to head in for the test in the next month or so but we will think good thoughts & focus on how far we have come. take care. xx
- @Sister My friend, you definitely need a big VIRTUAL HUG! You poor thing. You must be feeling all kinds of emotions at the moment especially as you are only a week from your anniversary mammo. I'm sure your beautiful sister is looking down on you & holding your hand through all of this & giving you her love & strength. I am so close to my sister & I couldn't imagine losing her to this disease as she has been my rock through all of this so I bet you are feeling overwhelmed & scared. Try to take the strength from all of us here as i will definitely be sending you hugs & prayers next Monday. No-one can change the past but we can try & draw on the strength & love of others, past & present, to get us through lifes ups & downs. This week will be long but be kind to yourself, relax with some pampering, long walks, meditation & sharing a coffee & a laugh with some friends. I will be willing you on & I know you will fight on like you have all year. Stay strong & know your friends here will be thinking of you. Your sister would be so proud of you & the beautiful, strong women you are. Love, hugs & prayers xxxx
- Sounds like the beginning of a new career direction @kezmusc
As some of you know, I have struggled through this whole process feeling like I am sitting with the shadow of my sister as many of the places I've been for treatment and tests are the same as the ones she went to many years ago. - Thanks @SoldierCrab sounds interesting indeed.
I had to get used to going back to those places quickly,..... or change jobs.
I work in the ward where I was after surgery, I look after out expected bookings for theatre and help bed allocate for all the breast surgeries (as well as the others).
I help the breast care nurses gather their charts for MDT meetings, I file the hisopathology reports. Every where I look there is paperwork for this cancer, that cancer, metastatic disease, palliative care...........etc etc etc.
I collect charts etc from the oncology ward and see all the people waiting for their treatment. I see the fear and sadness in the eyes of the new people having their first appointment not really believing they are there. Used to give me cold chills going in there.
I remember, I can feel it. The first few months were rather difficult. I just felt sad and sick writing up the bookings which I had been doing for the past 8 years. There was a whole new meaning and feeling to it. I had to really shut down, turn to ice and go on auto pilot for a while. I am fine with it now and only get the heebie-jeebies occasionally.
On a positive. It has made me a lot more empathetic. I will toddle up and down the hall to waiting family members to keep them updated on what is going on with their loved one in surgery, how long before they get back to the ward etc. Sometimes the BCN's will get me to have a chat with a patient that might be really upset. You know how it helps to talk to someone who has been there, so that makes me feel good if I can help. I get called on regularly to explain the cold cap procedure, which normally ends up in a general breast cancer/chemo chat i have met some lovely people doing that and it makes me feel a bit useful.
Hugs to all.
xoxoxo - @kezmusc A hot sweaty slap in the face that's knocked me onto the ground and is sitting on me...
- Fascinating @SoldierCrab. Whether it's a 'genuine' cure or the effect of simply having taken action is a moot point. It worked.
I had reiki when I was in labour with my second child. I didn't know it was happening until after a couple of hours I said to the midwife, whatever you're doing don't stop. Extraordinary stuff.
