Forum Discussion
Mum always knows everything!
I am newly diagnosed and dread telling my parents. They are elderly and yes it will be a shock. But....my mum knows everything and will no doubt tell me what I have done wrong, what I need to do, etc. I am dreading telling her.
I know she will also be on my doorstop every day and on the phone which I don't want.
How do I deal with this?
I know she will also be on my doorstop every day and on the phone which I don't want.
How do I deal with this?
22 Replies
- @Sarnicad You are the most important person now so what you want rules sista!
- I managed to tell mum by phone but couldn’t face my sisters. Had hubby tell one and the other still hasn’t been told. I don’t have the time or energy to put into their competitive drama filled crap so have stuck my head in the sand
- Hey @NotHappyJan,
This is always the hard bit. Maybe you could start with "I have some news and it would be really helpful if you could just listen to what I have to say" That might put her on the back foot to begin with, or not. You might just have to wing it and get grumpy if she starts on about it.
My husband got straight on the phone to my mother as soon as we found out. This man cannot keep his mouth shut, bless him. Plus he was freaked out and didn't know what to do with his now babbling, stunned mess of a wife, and needed some back up I think.
By the time I got home from the doctors she was on the doorstep. I am lucky enough to have one of those mothers who is just the nicest person in general to everybody (although she was pretty handy with a wooden spoon and doing her block when I was young). She just spent the next hour listening and saying it should have been her and not me, it wasn't fair, she was older and it should be her etc etc. She rang my gp and promptly drove up the rode to get some diazepam. Nice work mum, drug the daughter out. I am glad she did though.
I never want a rerun of that afternoon. Still gives me chills thinking about it.
You never know she might surprise you. Let's hope so. Once it's out and conversation over you can stop worrying about it whichever way it goes.
xoxoxo Hi @nothappyjan
Our mothers. Sigh. One of the thing to consider is that your cancer doesn't change who either of you are, so it's likely that this will pan out the same way other dramas in your life have gone. You've got a pretty good idea what you think she will do, and there is every chance you are right. You will also handle it the way you have always handled it.
My mum is a bit the same; it irritates the bejesus out of me on occasions. OK, most of the time. When I told her about BC V2 I got the predicted lecture about what I should/shouldn't/should've do/done as well as some not very helpful advice backed up by lengthy anecdotes about what has/hasn't/didn't happened to other people who's situation is nothing remotely like mine.
I ended up yelling at her which made me feel like crap, but it was just a rerun of dozens of other occasions with a different topic. I love her dearly, but that woman can make me suddenly morph into my 13yr old self. She's old and frail and worried, but deep down she's still the annoying wasp tongued busybody she was when I was growing up. I watch how she behaves in the nursing home with a sense of appalled recognition--most people don't really change. You'll figure it out, you've had heaps of experience. Mxx
- My mother has an uncanny knack of knowing when something is wrong with me and drops in for a visit. I had just gotten home from diagnosis and she landed here for a cuppa. I told her the truth when she asked how I went at the doctors. She collapsed crying in a big drama. I had to be the strong one.
She pushed in to visit minutes after I came out of surgery and hadn't even come to terms with my surgery.
The saving grace was during chemo I told her I had to be in quarantine so as not to get any colds from others. It didn't stop her coming but slowed up the visits. - Hopefully, she will be a great support to you rather than be a pain ..... fingers crossed!! xxx
- I could not face my parents and sent my husband to tell them. I was very very angry (not at them) at that point and asked him to ask them to leave me alone at that point. Which they did, apart from some text messages. I was ready to face them 10 days later. My mother had BC at my age and my sister died from it. It was unbearable to see their faces. But I know they needed to see me so I pulled up my big girl undies.
My mother is 83 and somewhat competitive on the martyrdom front! Any side effect I've had, she had worse! Or I failed by having it when she didn't... It's been rather trying at times. She would be appalled and deny it, but others have noticed.
It is what it is. I agree with @Sister. Be up front, calm and straightforward about what you need from her. Best of luck. K xox - @NotHappyJan
Our @soldiercrab has put this welcome together which should helpBelow are a couple of links to help you find your way around the forum and also how to find a breast care nurse and how to order a MY journey Kit if you haven't got one yet.
It can be a a whirlwind when we first get a diagnosed.... Breathe and take it one step at a time.
The what and how thread.
http://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/14879/the-what-and-how-thread/p1
Breast Care Nurses
https://www.mcgrathfoundation.com.au/OurMission/OurNurses/FindANurse.aspx
My Journey Kits and other resources.
https://www.bcna.org.au/resources/
BCNA Helpline 1800 500 258
If you have any questions, concerns or require any further information or support please call 1800 500 258. The Helpline is open Monday, Wednesday and Friday from 9 am till 5 pm EST and Tuesday and Thursday from 9 am till 9 pm EST.
How to understand your pathology reports
- https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/types-of-breast-cancer/
a bit of research on your diagnosis - Here's some links that may help
https://www.bcna.org.au/understanding-breast-cancer/talking-to-family-and-friends/
https://www.bcna.org.au/resources/my-journey-kit/
Best wishes
