@TripleTea a big hug and Welcome to you, what a gutwrenching time and it's something we all share with you in this moment! Everything you said was completely justified and so very normal...it's incredibly hard to not lose focus and jet off to the future with all sorts of scenarios because this is just the beginning, its overwhelming on every front!
In 2015 I had a recurrence, it was also Grade 3 aggressive IDC but ER+, nodes clear, bones clear, gene testing negative. I had 5 months of chemo, no radiation as I had it in 2011. It is a shock to hear it, absolutely, I was alone and burst into a million pieces in the car before I went to pick up my teenage son from school. He took one look at me and knew it wasn't good...he was 11 the first time and 15 the 2nd, he said will you have to have Chemo...the look on his face and I thought OMG he was embarrassed i'll lose my long blonde hair...NOOOOOO how stupid of me underestimating this beautiful son of mine. He teared up and said MUM! I could give a shit about no hair, I just want you here however you look!! Kids are resilient and amazing and absolutely will rise to the challenge with you, believe me.
1 yr after treatment my Specialists recommended a single mastectomy and I did in Feb with immediate diep flap recon, my pathology of the breast was perfect...bittersweet but its about prevention. Im 2yrs on, really getting my life back now it was a tough road but let me tell you, you will get there...one step at a time, dont focus beyond 1 day as you are moving forward. Breathe...take time to nurture you, surround yourself with good people who are genuine, unfortunately many won't get it and will drop off. This is about you now..nobody else..put you above everyone, most important!
Hugs Melinda xo
