If you need to direct your (suppressed) fear and general sense of unhappiness towards anything, a machine is not a bad target. Itās not going to get upset by your dislike or treat you differently because of it. Itās not judgmental, as you say itās quite impersonal, and itās not malicious. Sooner or later, we all need to take out our frustrations on something and recognise our fear. Hate the machines by all means if it helps but donāt confuse hating the machines with what staff can do with them. Machines are just instruments, how you use them is the critical bit. Radiation seems to me to be a very tough treatment but those who have gone through it have different stories. To a certain extent, itās just one more tough treatment - like surgery or chemo. Fear is a natural reaction to the treatment we go through for cancer, and of having cancer in the first place, itās not anything to be ashamed of and we have all been there. Itās hitting you now because it was almost bound to do so at some point. I am certain that some members of the network can provide helpful information to get you through the next stage, at least to give it a go and see how you feel then. But also think about some counselling, some independent professional advice about coping with all this unexpected stuff in your life. It can really help. Best wishes.
