What can partners do to help?

On the outside everyone thought he was doing really well, hanging out the washing, cooking, getting the boys off to music or yachting, footy etc...but inside he was scared and unable to express his fears to anyone but me.  It's been 10 years since I was diagnosed and sadly we had no My Journey Kits or partner CDs so I think it is great that there are now resources out there for partners.  It is always a challenge to get men to open up and I know my husband would not have attended support meetings even if there was one to go to...I think we just need to encourage our family and friends to ask our partners straight out..."and how are you today" do you want to catch up for a drink or whatever, as everyone sends the women flowers, cards and phone calls but forgets about our rock standing strong beside us and all the time that rock has a few little fissures and cracks starting to creep in...

My husband made me immune boosting lunches everyday he was able to get away from work...he read about foods that boost your immune such as Blueberry boost juices and very "delicious" sardine concoctions...it was his way of feeling he was taking an active part in my wellness...I must say I was over sardines mushed up into tofu or other delights, but it was a lovely gesture.

this post in itself would help any partner reading it. But the same as the ladies above, My husband was and still is a rock. I think the main thing was him monitoring calls when i was first diagnosed, and really only wanted to talk to my close family. Apart from the cooking cleaning and trying to run our business in between driving me and being there for every appointment even though we live 600k's away from the hospital. He did have his down times, and normally they were when i was at my lowest during chemo. I did ask him if on the next round of chemo and i was down he could try and stay up. His response to that was he felt so out of his depth not being able to help me, and once again living rural makes it hard for any partner not having someone on hand to talk to them, I feel they are left to just get on with it.  I did say to my sister about him staying on an up when i was down, but as she pointed out... he was in a no win situation on that one. If i was down and he was happy, I probably would be asking how he can be happy when i'm so ill.... Like Rosyln said it is not only the treatment, but the after effects when you need someone close, I am 4 years since diagnoses and apart from helping me through everything including the depression, he still comes to my yearly appointments for support. So although the CD is great, I really think we need to think of a way to help our support person.

My hubby ensured that life would be as normal as possible during this journey and that I didnt have to stop anything.

He would sit by my hospital bed  following the 3 operations I had reading his book (he is a real bookworm) & holding my hand.

He would drive me for 18 mths the 330kms return trip for treatment every 3 weeks. As I was a Board of Management director for a sporting organisation he would drive me to melb each month while I attended the meetings as well. So many of those trips I was asleep in the car & he drove in silence to ensure I  did sleep, often in the wee hours of the morning.

Though I coped well with treatment, when I did have my moments of crashing & sleeping for hours- he made sure noone would wake me and that the meals were cooked & ready for me on waking. I had a passion for Iced coffees during chemo - he provided an endless supply.

But most importantly he held me in his arms every night until I fell asleep.

My hubby ensured that life would be as normal as possible during this journey and that I didnt have to stop anything.

He would sit by my hospital bed  following the 3 operations I had reading his book (he is a real bookworm) & holding my hand.

He would drive me for 18 mths the 330kms return trip for treatment every 3 weeks. As I was a Board of Management director for a sporting organisation he would drive me to melb each month while I attended the meetings as well. So many of those trips I was asleep in the car & he drove in silence to ensure I  did sleep, often in the wee hours of the morning.

Though I coped well with treatment, when I did have my moments of crashing & sleeping for hours- he made sure noone would wake me and that the meals were cooked & ready for me on waking. I had a passion for Iced coffees during chemo - he provided an endless supply.

But most importantly he held me in his arms every night until I fell asleep.

Another thing I would like to add is a reminder to our partners that they don't have to suddenly become supermen.

There is a huge expectation on our partners that they have to stay positive, be totally supportive, take over the housework  and cooking. We never got any help from anyone else at all and my husband was overwhelmed sometimes. 

Breast cancer didn't just affect me, it affected the whole family. We wanted to make sure our young son was still able to continue his activities so there is a lot of pressure for men to be the 'perfect husband'.  

We prioritised our life, worked out things that were necessary and things that weren't. Once we had done that it took a lot of stress off the household. 

Great feedback so far, I feel so blessed, my husband did all of the above, including the bear and the texts.He took control when I struggled, filtered the phone calls, cooked, cleaned, listened attentively, always always encouraging.He was dead set amazing. Never pressued me for intimacy (LOL I used to cry and say that um Intimacy would make me better !!)

I pressured him :)

The only time we had an issue was, a few months after treatment, when I returned to full time work - I had no idea it would take so long to recover, everyone thought that since the treatment was over that I was 'bettter'.

I had a huge breakdown, not his fault, but I struggled to ask for help, found it had to express that I was so terribly frustrated. Nearly 50% of all women diagnosed with breast cancer suffer some form of depression in the first year following treatment. I was terribly active prior to cancer, and simply thought that I could just go back to my old self. Dave didnt understand it either, but once I crashed, and went to seek medical help, unable to even go to work in the end, he again stepped up to the plate.

So my tip for partners is to watch out afterwards - when you think it is all over - that it will take up to two years to recover, to take things just as slowly as when you are having treatment.

Great feedback so far, I feel so blessed, my husband did all of the above, including the bear and the texts.He took control when I struggled, filtered the phone calls, cooked, cleaned, listened attentively, always always encouraging.He was dead set amazing. Never pressued me for intimacy (LOL I used to cry and say that um Intimacy would make me better !!)

I pressured him :)

The only time we had an issue was, a few months after treatment, when I returned to full time work - I had no idea it would take so long to recover, everyone thought that since the treatment was over that I was 'bettter'.

I had a huge breakdown, not his fault, but I struggled to ask for help, found it had to express that I was so terribly frustrated. Nearly 50% of all women diagnosed with breast cancer suffer some form of depression in the first year following treatment. I was terribly active prior to cancer, and simply thought that I could just go back to my old self. Dave didnt understand it either, but once I crashed, and went to seek medical help, unable to even go to work in the end, he again stepped up to the plate.

So my tip for partners is to watch out afterwards - when you think it is all over - that it will take up to two years to recover, to take things just as slowly as when you are having treatment.

Hi Kato,

Thanks for taking the time to share two great tips. I think the first one is so important - giving partners time to themselves to 'just be'. The teddy is also a great one. In the office I sit next to BCNA's 'Trauma Teddy' (I swear I'm not making this up) which is available to provide comfort when needed. Another great suggestion - thank you :)

Annie.

PS here is a photo of Trauma Teddy.....

Hi Annie,

Thanks for your comments - sounds like your partner is a real gem. I really love the idea for a 'care schedule' which makes sure that someone is there for you if you need it, but I'm sure it also gave your partner great peace of mind when he wasn't around. A great suggestion that we'll include in the resource for partners! I also love the sneaky KFC run (truly, what a man).

Annie :)

Hi Tonya,

These are all very practical tips, and will be good for us to include in the resource for partners. It's amazing what a cuddle can do, isn't it? I think this is also a great thing for partners to do when they don't know really know what to say. The help with paperwork and the phone is something we didn't have on our list, so I'm glad you brought it up.

Thanks for your great suggestions Tonya!

Annie :)