Seeking support and friendship

20 years ago I was in your situation with my mum. It was an extremely traumatic time and I still carry the stress and anxieties that we went through together. My mum was 80 when diagnosed and I really don’t think she ever accepted the diagnosis. Last year I was diagnosed with breast cancer - what a bugger! Given mum’s age and my age at diagnosis (67) they don’t believe there is the genetic factor - all seem to put it down to ‘bad luck’. The last 12 months have been a very anxious and stressful time as I moved through the treatment plan, I am now in a pretty good place although am feeling somewhat anxious as I approach my 12 month scan. I actually think I coped better with my own diagnosis than that of Mum. It is so complicated when you are the support person because we have to respect the feelings and decisions of the other person.  I remember saying to mum to write down all her questions and she was most upset with me because in her words, the doctors know best, and it is rude to question them! I was reluctant to ask my questions over the top of her.

My breast surgeon is private and I too ended up with about $8000 out of pocket expenses. My situation became a bit complicated and as a result was referred on to a public oncologist. I could not believe the level of care, compassion and treatment received by a large number of practitioners in a public hospital. I also felt guilty walking out and not paying a cent. The first PET scan I had cost me around $900, when I had the second 12 months later as a public patient, there was no cost. I will continue with my private breast clinic and accept there will be a cost involved, but I cannot fault my oncology care at a public hospital so will continue with this. All doctors are very happy about this and there is regular communication between them. They continually tell me it is the patients choice as to who they see, and it is important that this is your choice.

Make sure you take some time for you while supporting your Mum. The treatment plan seems to go on forever, and if you are anything like me, even the in between times were a constant worry for me as to how my mum was coping.
I lost mum 20 years ago now, but I have no regrets about the time I devoted to her at a time of great need. 

@Dani1981 - as @Sister and @"Annie C" have said - welcome to the site - and NEVER feel guilty about putting questions up - if we can help you & your mum have an 'easier path' at this early stage of diagnosis & surgery - that will be a bonus.   

Hopefully we'll be able to help lessen the impact that this shitty disease has on both you and your Mum, as you help her thru it.  If you are going with her to appointments, consider recording them on your phone to 'go over' at a later date, if required, as it is very difficult to take it all in on the actual day.

Re Private or Public - there can often quite large 'out of pocket' expenses with private surgery (I'm up to about $6000 now with my private surgery & other gaps.)  So make sure you ask your surgeon - what the gaps are if you go private & also if he works in the public system (most do.)  It may mean a small 'wait' of a week or so for the surgery .... but this should not affect your Mum's outcome at all (except that you can use the money that is saved - to take your Mum off on a great holiday at the end of her active treatment!)     I went public for my radiation & couldn't fault it.

Well done for stepping up to the plate & helping your mum thru this - I am so sorry to hear of your Dad's passing.  :(  

Take care  xx

@Dani1981

Your sentence "cancer is cancer" says it all. It is cancer. It is frightening. It really does not matter if you are the one with cancer or the carer of one with cancer. The shock is real.

As someone who is now a cancer survivor (year 2) all I wanted from my carer was to stand beside me, walk beside me and put an arm around my shoulders when I faltered. 

Let your mum be your guide. If she wishes to talk, let her talk, it will be her way of processing this. If you can and your mum wants you to, please do go with her to the many appointments. There is information overload and I found that with the shock of the diagnosis I did not take in all the information given.

Never feel guilty about reaching out on this, the most supportive forum. We are here for you and your mum. 

Ask all the questions or doubts that you have. This forum is a wonderful warm supportive group of people who 'get it'. 

Someone on here will have the ideas, knowledge, information or personal experience that you are seeking.

I went public and I cannot not fault the care I received in the public system. My treatment was complicated by the fact that I live 2,300 from my treatment centre. However the Breast Cancer Centre in a  large public hospital worked with me and my GP to ensure that I received excellent care.

 What a wonderful loving daughter you are. Your mum is one very lucky lady.

Warm Kimberley wishes to you. 

Annie

Welcome @Dani1981  Firstly, you're not the only family member on here who is reaching out and I'm sure others will get on board.  Cancer is cancer and it's bloody scary.  Scary for your mum and scary for you.  But breathe.  Early is good.  Your mum will probably have some tests and scans coming up.  Until they've done the surgery, they are still operating on what they can see from the scans.  Once the path report comes back, they will have a clearer picture of the cancer and your mum will have a better idea of her treatment plan.  You must already have a surgeon so I guess that your question about public or private is probably not about that.  For radiation, I would definitely go public.  In my experience, and from what I have heard from others, you don't really get anything more from going private (except maybe the moisturiser supplied) and it can be thousands - you cannot claim it on your health fund.  If you put your region (your mum's) on your profile, you will get info better targeted for you as obviously I cannot speak for other places.  Your mum is very welcome to come on this site but if it's not what she can do at the moment, then that's the way it is and it's great that you are looking out for her.  It's really important for most of us to have someone who can be our advocate when things get too much, and to be another pair of ears at appointment.  Take care.