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All Clear happy and healthy, BUT pre admission tomorrow for Mastectomy/Recon struggling mentally..
To say its been a tough week, has been an understatement even after a recurrence multiple surgeries and treatments over the past 6yrs. As much as I knew it was coming, I wasnt prepared for the call from Hospital for my pre-admission tomorrow. 19 months on from a lumpectomy, 13 months post chemo, happy, healthy reclaiming my life. The mental torture has been relentless this week, knowing I'm WELL but in light of a recurrence don't gamble Melinda, do a Mastectomy/Diep flap reconstruction. Even knowing deep down its the best thing I could do, I still struggle with the loss, the prevention, the surgery. Its always been my struggle getting to this decision now it is here, I don't feel any different, I'm still struggling with it. I can be honest, I'm scared, petrified of the actual surgery, the recovery, the loss, the end result. Struggling with feeling Im damned if I do, damned if I don't. Maybe I'll feel different once it's done? Ive looked at it every which way possible, and its just so mentally challenging when I know Im so well...the tears havent stopped. I will also be mostly alone through recovery as my kids are going to live with their Dad as its easier for them to get to Uni and my baby in VCE. Whilst its the right thing for me to do...am heartbroken to not have them with me loving and supporting me. My Partner lives an hour away, due to work and life will only be able to manage at different times. Another reminder of traveling this road nearly 7yrs without my Mum, lucky to have my Dad who wants to help but is 77. Inspite of all this, knowing how incredibly lucky am I really!!! how dare I be sad, upset, angry, so why do I struggle, don't know how to resolve this for myself?? I've always been proactive, positive and upbeat...hoping its purely the fear thats getting in the way...
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- Hi Mel, sorry I have been gone a couple of days. I have been where you are, as I too had a recurrence. Having that surgery was so hard for me, but also so right for me. Hang in there, weigh up what you need to do and where you are now. You will ultimately do what's best for you. Not having your Mum through this must be so hard. Don't underestimate 77 year old Dad. Mine was about that age when I had mine (actually a bit older) and was a huge help. I am sure your partner and kids will be there when they can. Accept all offers of help from your friends, espescially if it involves housework and cooking.
Hang in there, we are with you in this.
Paula xxxx - Hi Melinda, so glad your appointment went well. I just re-read your post and there is so much positivity!! It sounds like you have confidence in a wonderful team and that is so important.
I hope you feel more at peace leading up to surgery day. You are almost there Mel!! Take care, Jane xx - I am feeling ok @melclarity ready for it to happen now!! Glad everything went well for you! Xx
- Hi Melinda,
I am so happy for you got the preadmission done, it seems everything went smoothly and you coped it really well! What a big day! Sleep well tonight!
It's great you got the special date you have been waiting for. There are lots of us will be thinking of you on 27th February .
Lots of love and hugs for you! - @iserbrown Im definitely more settled and having my partner even for a few days is more than I could have imagined as our lives are quite complicated and we live far apart. So comforting, its the smallest things.
@KatyJoy Its true what they say, knowledge is power, I have no illusions or left to wonder any little thing, its all been talked about today. So onward I go! to the end of this nightmare and onto a new beginning! Kate thats awesome about the Tumor!!! make sure you post so we know where you are up to, and when you'll head to surgery! every day and every step we are closer to kicking it, remember that. xo - @melclarity, scrap my last post, I just read your one above. That's fantastic! It sounds like you're feeling so much more positive with all the knowledge you have gained today. It's great you will have support when you get home. Wishing you strength and bravery as you kick this thing to the curb! Much love and best wishes Kate xo
- Melinda you sound happier tonight. What a bonus having your partner to be by your side. That's terrific xx
- @ccaspar, good luck! I will be thinking of you and sending best wishes. @melclarity, how did you go today? I had my second last chemo (dosetaxol) and will have steroids for longer and more pain releif. If the heart problems come back, we won't do last chemo and just head strait in to surgery. Onc can't even feel my tumour today at all so that's good!
- @socoda hahahahaha!!! Yes that will be tomorrow, my Autistic kids cheering LOL x
- Kath! Yay...he's coming LOL ive not had that before in this journey, so its so comforting and special. xo
