A lump in the road

I'm happy to see that after all your trials, you are cancer free. However, I really can relate to your sense of shock - often delayed, I think, when in the midst of dealing with a new and upsetting diagnosis, sudden surgery, pain and the general feeling that your life has been turned upside down. I was diagnosed with an aggressive form of DCIS in July 2012 and had only 13 days from diagnosis to surgery where I underwent bilateral mastectomies with expander implants. I had a sentinal node biopsy and waited with bated breath for the result. Happily, there was no sign of cancer and I was told I had the "all clear". I was so very grateful and expected to feel only happiness and a sense of relief. I did feel those things, but I didn't anticipate the terrible sense of loss that was quite overwhelming. I had lost a part of me by which I defined my sexuality and I didn't know what to do with those feelings. It has taken me a long time to get my balance back, and some days I feel like I did right at the beginning - totally shocked that cancer came calling and I've lost my breasts. The tears are always just below the surface but I'm getting used to that and trying really hard to connect with my new figure. I completed my reconstruction in January of this year and know that I am lucky to have a good result. However, I don't look like I used to, and as I was quite happy with what I had before, I wonder if I will ever feel that my new breasts are really a part of me. I tell you all this so you can understand that what you're feeling is normal and common and that it takes time to find some sense of comfort within yourself. I know that I will never feel completely confident that I won't get a recurrence and, as I look at myself every night in the mirror, I have a daily reminder of what has happened to me. I wish you a complete recovery, good health, and joy every day. With hugs, Jeanine Xxx