Forum Discussion
A little hurdle
Morning ladies
It's been a rough week. Started great with a chat to the plastic surgeon about my reconstruction and no worries about doing this after radiation. Then chemo, but anaemic so also followed up the next day with a blood transfusion. I also had this pesky little lesion growing on my Left breast (mastectomy side) which appeared after my first chemo and initially was put down to a skin reaction, then some dodgy post op skin with poor blood supply but the sucker started to grow. So Thursday brings a biopsy and still hopeful words from my surgeon.
Last night though, my surgeon is in my living room telling me the lesion is cancerous and seems to be the same type as that taken out. Why it is growing while I am having chemo we do not know - it could mean chemo is not working and cancer has also spread elsewhere. So today I am off to Peter Mac for a PET scan to see if it is showing signs of being anywhere else.
I am sitting here, not having slept more than about an hour all night, waiting for them to phone me with a time for the scan.
There are too many ifs, buts and maybes dependent upon today's results (God I hope they can fit me in today - waiting the weekend would be torture) but at the very least it is more surgery and a likely change to my treatment. Radiation is a definite now and there are all sorts of chemo options.
I feel like I've been flattened by a truck - and the taxotere hasn't even hit me yet - that pleasure awaits me this weekend. For the first time in this "journey" (a word I have been reluctant to use) I am really frightened but I am trying to stay focused on one step at a time and not let myself wander off too much into the what ifs.
Please say a little prayer if you do or if you have any spare send a little positive energy my way today - every little bit helps.
Amanda xx
38 Replies
GOD Amanda. i am lost for words. i wish i could be there to hug you and support you more. the tears flow freely for you and your family. are you anywhere near mansfield ???
i was bought up a good little catholic girl but over the years have had quite a few occasions to question what God does or why. my mum use to say Frannie every thing happens for a reason and we grow from this. .....BULLSHIT > sorry mum but what can we learn from this and what is the reason,
i feel your fear but also your strength. this is a poem i was given by a friend don't know who wrote it but it is so true. hope you like it.
the rainbow.
if i could catch a rainbow,i'd do it just for you
to share with you it's beauty, on days your feeling blue
if i could build a mountain,you could call your very own
a place to find serenity, a place to be alone
if i could take your troubles, i would toss them in the sea
but all these things i find ,are impossible to me
i can not build a mountain
or catch a rainbow fair
but let me be what i know best afriend who's always there.
_______________________
just for you girl. sending you love and strength.xxxx
Hi Amanda, Been thinking about you a lot. Let's send you hope. From the statement you made about your surgeon coming to your house - that means you definately have good professionals on your side. These people will do everything in their power to help you. Thought I would give you some hope by telling you this story. My friend has secondaries in her heart (in the peri cardium) It was diagnosed last November. She was very ill and had to have a drain put in her heart to relieve the fluid. She has had quite a lot of chemo treatment since then also and will continue to have regular chemo treatments. However, as we speak she and her husband are in England visiting relies and having a holiday. She is back paddling in the dragonboat, has seen her eldest son married in December and is looking forward to seeing a grandchild some time soon. My friend has just turned 63 so is not a spring chicken like yourself who has lots more to fight with. Her first diagnosis was at the same time as my first - 4.5 years ago. There is always hope and much good life to live. We are all with you Amanda and sending you strength to get you through this. XLeonie
HEY Amanda , hope your a little better today this is just all so much for one person to endure i feel so much for you. i am praying for you and got everything crossed that all will work out good. ,with you in spiorit and sending strength. take care.
HEY Amanda , hope your a little better today this is just all so much for one person to endure i feel so much for you. i am praying for you and got everything crossed that all will work out good. ,with you in spiorit and sending strength. take care.
Hi Amanda
The children are what I find the hardest too. I have 2 little ones - a girl nearly 4 and a boy 2. I just want to hold on for as long as I can for them. I will fight as hard as I can and I know you will too.
I hope you enjoyed the garden today.
Amy xx
Dear Amanda, I write this with tears running down my face & am so so sorry that this has happened to you. It's just not fair! To think that only a few days ago you were deciding on radiation & now this. . .makes you question alot of things about this treatment we are on. . .makes me scared too. sending you all my love & I will keep praying & sending those positive vibes.
Loretta xoxoxo
Dear Amanda
I've just read your blog and I feel so sad. This is one major hurdle but you can get over it! You have a great team around you - doctors, nurses and loving family and friends. Let the doctors take care of your body, let family and friends look after your home and you look after your mind and spirit. You have been so strong so far, you have a great mental attitude. The Dalai Lama says that a calm, affectionate, wholesome state of mind has beneficial effects on our health and physical wellbeing. Stay grounded, stay calm and take it one step at a time.
You will jump this hurdle!!!!!!
Sending you my love and prayers.
Ann-Marie xxxx
Thank you everyone - I can't say much at the moment. I'm hurting too much but I want you to know your kind words and thoughts mean the world to me.
Amanda xx
I will get onto the pack thanks Amy. We are shattered but trying to be a little normal for the kids. I love my husband and my children so much and I am going to put them through so much pain and leave them without their mother - that pains me more than the thought of what is ahead for me. It's just so bloody unfair... I agree with getting help and "they" are sorting that out. We have big decisions to make. None of our family live here, my husband has a very busy job - we have three young children. We need to take it a step at a time and try to live life to the fullest which I am struggling to contemplate this morning.
The sky is blue and the sun is out however so I am going to distract myself with my garden for just a little while.
Amanda x
Hi Amanda, I have only just seen your blog. So shocked to hear your news. I am sending all my positive vibes to you. You are such a wonderful and beautiful person who has helped so many others. This disease is such a b..........It is always lingering. Each of us would think that whilst on treatment it is held at bay. No we can't have that luxury. I told my Medical Oncologist yesterday that I would never have chemo again. He said never say never. I told him that I would need a lot of convincing and is he the man to do it? After reading your story, I am staying with my gut feeling. We are all guinea pigs as there is such a diverse range of bc. It is so out of control. I am saying a prayer for you Amanda. I know with your strength you will get through this hurdle. On the form for my next lot of scans my surgeon has mentioned metatastic bc. It scares me to bits. My scans before chemo were clear as well so let's see what the next ones bring. None of us can let our guard down - not for a minute. I hope from all the comments you feel the love that we are all sending to you - you are so special. XLeonie
