Forum Discussion

Federica's avatar
Federica
Member
12 years ago

How to tell your family?

This morning I had a super proactive meeting with my GP, in less than an hour I had my blood tests done, chest X-rays booked for this afternoon, referral done for breast surgeon and also referral for genetic testing . The doctor was saying that given the strong family history of breast cancer it may come back positive and to start thinking about the possibility of double mastectomy. I thought about it, spoken to my husband about it and in my mind there is no doubt that I'm ready for a double mastectomy if needed. My doctor also told me to keep exercising exactly as I was before the diagnosis and with the same intensity. I need to lose about 10kg and he said to keep up with my healthy eating and exercise for weight loss. And also to think about starting doing Yoga. He says there would be a stressful time coming ahead and Yoga is an excellent outlet for stress. I like his approach very much. I've spent the day organising medical appointments for next week, trying to organise child care and fitting all the kids activities around it. I have an amazing circle of friends that want to help me, all I need to do is just ask. I feel so blessed to have people like this in my life, especially since I didn't have the courage to tell my family just yet. They are all in Italy, my mother, step dad and my two brothers with their beautiful families. Mum is not strong emotionally, she went through some big trauma in her life and I know she will be consumed by anxiety and worries, and I am not ready, just yet, to go through this. I'd have to be in a better place emotionally and I need to have more information about my condition, before I could comfort mum. I was thinking, but I am still trying to get things right in my head, to tell them after I had the operation. I know it sounds wrong, but being so far away there is nothing that they could to help. Mum doesn't speak any English and she won't be able to come here anyway. How did you tell your families, your parents or your kids? But, I have to say, I feel very good. My moral is very high and the fact that things are happening is making me feel like we are moving forward. Hope you are having a great day and thank you for reading this.
  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    12 years ago
    I just cheçked on here,and saw your new post.Your doctor sounds great; if only all doctors would advocate exercise during treatment.And yoga is great! I will tell you how I told my family.My husband was overseas,and I waited until I knew for sure that I had cancer,then I called him,and of course he came straight home.As for the rest of my family,sisters,brothers...they all live interstate,and as weird as this might sound,I didn't tell them until about 2 weeks ago!! My sister was a bit cranky,but as I explained to her,it was easier for me to just tell my husband and children,and people that would see me every day.I didn't actually see a reason to tell everyone else until afterwards.The great thing about this was,that when I told them,I was through my treatment and feeling great,and they didn't have to worry.I really didn't want people calling me all the time,and always feeling obligated to keep them up to date with every little thing.I don't speak to them every day,so,it really wasn't a problem.It worked for me anyway,and I would do it the same way again.I truly believe that you need to do what feels right for you. Cheers Robyn xoxo
  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    12 years ago
    I just cheçked on here,and saw your new post.Your doctor sounds great; if only all doctors would advocate exercise during treatment.And yoga is great! I will tell you how I told my family.My husband was overseas,and I waited until I knew for sure that I had cancer,then I called him,and of course he came straight home.As for the rest of my family,sisters,brothers...they all live interstate,and as weird as this might sound,I didn't tell them until about 2 weeks ago!! My sister was a bit cranky,but as I explained to her,it was easier for me to just tell my husband and children,and people that would see me every day.I didn't actually see a reason to tell everyone else until afterwards.The great thing about this was,that when I told them,I was through my treatment and feeling great,and they didn't have to worry.I really didn't want people calling me all the time,and always feeling obligated to keep them up to date with every little thing.I don't speak to them every day,so,it really wasn't a problem.It worked for me anyway,and I would do it the same way again.I truly believe that you need to do what feels right for you. Cheers Robyn xoxo
  • Merlins_mum's avatar
    Merlins_mum
    Member
    12 years ago
    I have a daughter in NZ who is bipolar and 19 yrs old. She is studying at uni and would have flipped out pre exams had I told her then. I waited until after I had my mastectomy and had both the histology results and the forward plan. Then I flew to NZ and told her. She was VERY GRUMPY that I had not told her before but it was the right thing to do. I couldn't face dealing with her stress and my own at the same time so it was not all altruistic! But it was the right thing. Stress for everyone was lessened. I think you are making the right call Love. Julie
  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    12 years ago
    I think that you are right to wait until after the op to tell them. Until you have your pathology results from surgery etc you won't have the whole story to tell. It will be far easier to tell them you have breast cancer but with treatment (and you will know what treatment by then) you will be ok. It is the uncertainty that would worry them more than is necessary. Sounds like you have a great support network around you. This is one time in your life that you need to put yourself first. Take care. Deanne xx
  • Hazel_M's avatar
    Hazel_M
    Member
    12 years ago

    Telling my family was very difficult, they had already seen my sister go through it, she's fine now. They also saw our mother go through it and eventually die from it many years ago. There was no way I couldn't have told them, I would have felt deceitful and I needed their support. Telling my son wasn't as difficult as I put my most positive spin on it and while upset, he was fine. If you feel you could cause more upset than good, maybe putting it off is a good idea. You are right that they wouldn't be able to help much and it would hurt you to think of them over in Italy worrying. You sound like you have a good handle on it, you sound positive, make the decision that would give you the most peace. Your family will understand, all the best for your treatment, take care, 

    Hazel xx

  • Anonymous's avatar
    Anonymous
    12 years ago

    Hi Federica,

    I'm just jumping in to say welcome to the online network. It already looks like you have received some great support from the other women. With you family being so far away I hope it helps you though this difficult time.

    As Robyn mentioned there are some books and information for telling your children on our website. http://www.bcna.org.au/new-diagnosis/telling-your-children

    Just shout if you need a hand finding your way around.

    ~Daina

     

  • Federica's avatar
    Federica
    Member
    12 years ago
    Hi Daina, Thank you for your comment and for your support. This website has been and still is incredibly important to me since the same very day I've been told I have breast cancer . Today I told the youngest daughter, (almost 4 yrs old) that my breast is not very well and the doctor and the medicine are going to fix it . She said " well mum, we have Disney princesses band aids if you need , And you can have rapuntzel one this time ( her favourite )!" . Hope you are well today Daina and thanks for stopping by . Federica xoxo
  • itsme203's avatar
    itsme203
    Member
    12 years ago

    Hi Frederica...I struggled with subject too. I am American living in Australia for 3 years. I live here with my husband and 22 year old daughter. My parents are elderly (both in their mid 80's) and I worried about their reaction. My initial gut was to NOT tell them at all, however I was really worried with the use of social media these days that they would find out and that would be far worse. I put myself in their shoes and thought how I would feel if my child had cancer and I wasn't told, or worse yet that I found out from someone who heard about it from Facebook. So I decided to tell them. It was difficult but its done. They were upset but after numerous phone calls and asking other family members to help with with Skype and Facetime, they have been able to see me and be reassured that I am ok. We all just have to do what is best for ourselves. 

    Best of luck to you.