Up, then down
Hi ladies, I don't know what happened. 3 days ago I posted that my hair was cut and I went out with my scarf, all was good. I was 'owning it'. Now it's 3.30am and I haven't been able to get to sleep. Looked in the mirror tonight and thought 'wow, i look like crap!' I was never a beauty, but now with barely any hair and gaining weight, who is this person looking back at me? Why is vanity coming to the front? I have breast cancer and i'm having chemo, that's enough to deal with. Looks are not important in the big scheme of things. I know all this and here i sit, crying. My adorable man loves me unconditionally, just feeling sorry for myself. Want my life back the way it was:( My depression is obviously not helping, I have a good prognosis, I know it's one day at a time, I just don't know what sent me downhill in 3 days. Reading some of the posts, these ladies are worse off than me. I should not be hung up on looks, it's so superficial, need to sleep. Will try. What a whinger!
Comments
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We don't use the term emotional roller coaster for no reason. The ups and downs will happen all along the way. We can share our feelings, good and bad, and be supported on here.
We all have moments, especially at night where we just want to scream about the unfairness of it all. We are good people but we have to go through all this. It is not fair! Early on I used to watch the news on TV and look at the newsreaders and journalists and think they are going home to their normal lives. Their lives are the same as they were 2 months ago, mine is not! They will have dinner and go to bed and wake up feeling good. When will my life be like this again?
I think the chemo drugs and steriods have an affect on our mood too. It seemed to go in a pattern after a while. I feel a lot more 'level' in my moods now (last chemo was 19 Sept) and my lovely husband commented that I am actually better mood wise now than before BC!
What you are feeling is 'normal' for us and it helps to share it with others who totally understand. You need to vent the feelings and then you usually feel better. This is the best place to do that.
Hope you are feeling better this morning. Do something nice that you enjoy as a little reward for how well you are doing. You are such a lovely person, helping others on here. xxxxoooo Deanne0 -
That's how it gets to you Hazel.Dont feel bad about it,although it's easier said than done.When you are down,like you are at the moment,just let yourself cry Hazel.It will pass,and then you will find yourself feeling up again,until the next time.I am in my third chemo cycle,and I have this happen to me about 2 or 3 times a week.And like you, I have a gorgeous husband and wonderful family and friends.Sometimes a little thing will set me off,and sometimes absolutely nothing!!it is part of the BC 'experience'. The chemo,and the drugs like Dexamethasone,have a real effect on your emotions.Then combine that with sleep deprivation and the fact that you are going through BC,then I think you are doing pretty well!Like Deanne said,this is the best place to share your feelings,and especially about this,because I find that this is the one side effect that others don't really understand,because it can't be seen.I hope you are feeling a little better today.Maybe try and get outside I the sunshine for a bit?It always helps me if I can get out of the house for a walk.Take care Hazel,and I'm sending you a BIG HUG !:) xoxoxo. Robyn.0
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I have kept a daily diary since the beginning of this.I write everything in it,my physical symptoms,reaction to chemo,and how I am feeling.I can look back at the very beginning now,and see how things have changed.Some for the better,and some not;) One day at a time ladies.xoxoxRobyn0
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I am up to the same point you are. I shaved my head last Friday and was amazed that within that week my hair was growing. In my hopeful little world I thought that this chemo isn't going to make my hair fall out at all. Sdaly I was wrong and the little bit I have is slowly falling out. I just cried and felt so ugly. This part is the hardest! I am also a person who likes eveything done yesterday so the long road ahead and to recovery makes me feel sad at times. I have my second chemo coming up on Tuesday and I am feeling more anxious than the first because I know what to expect. I can't complain I only had 3 bad days on the first cycle but I'm dreading even that. I do think it is a good idea to just find somewhere by yourself and just cry. The emotional part of this is so much harde than the physical. I feel at times that is suckes your strength dry.
I too hope you are feeling better today. XO
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I am up to the same point you are. I shaved my head last Friday and was amazed that within that week my hair was growing. In my hopeful little world I thought that this chemo isn't going to make my hair fall out at all. Sdaly I was wrong and the little bit I have is slowly falling out. I just cried and felt so ugly. This part is the hardest! I am also a person who likes eveything done yesterday so the long road ahead and to recovery makes me feel sad at times. I have my second chemo coming up on Tuesday and I am feeling more anxious than the first because I know what to expect. I can't complain I only had 3 bad days on the first cycle but I'm dreading even that. I do think it is a good idea to just find somewhere by yourself and just cry. The emotional part of this is so much harde than the physical. I feel at times that is suckes your strength dry.
I too hope you are feeling better today. XO
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Hi again everyone,
I have been sitting thinking about my hair and how much the loss of it has affected me and indeed the regrowth being grey and slow is still affecting me. I was thinking that other people must think, gee how vain is she to be thinking about this trivial thing. But if you really think deeper and why we fear and mourn the loss of our hair so much is that at 'that very moment' it says "she has cancer". No other physical thing says this more loud and clear. You would not notice someone with hair going through BC unless they told you. Also for me, this loss was when I was 'actually' sick. I wasn't sick before treatment began. It's certainly not the most painful side effect but it is the most obvious one. I say to myself now that it's okay to mourn this loss. It is natural and right to do so.
Just my thoughts
Love Janey xxx0 -
Don't underestimate how important your hair was.It's not vanity,it's loss of identity.You have to get used to losing a boob,your hair,your health and probably your confidence on occasions.That's alot to adjust to in a short time. So cut yourself some slack,have a good cry and don't feel guilty about it. I vented for months on this network about being bald.I would look in the mirror and not recognise myself.Some days I would be dressed to go out,take one look in the mirror and have to change again cos I looked like a gypsy. Sometimes you can see the funny side and sometimes you can't.It's ok to wallow in it for a few days- you can't be positive all the time.You won't be judged here so vent whenever. Big hugs, Tonya xx
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Thanks to all you lovely ladies, I took myself off to my GP yesterday and I told him my woes. He prescribed a light sleeping pill, so I have caught up with some much needed sleep. He asked me if there were any triggers that might have set my depression off, my first thought was 'dah, maybe the cancer'. On reflection, over the past few days I have been filling in my family history for the genetics testing forms I received. It's a sad read, my grandmother losing 4 daughters to breast cancer, one of which was my mother. Then there is my sister, however she is still going strong after her op 17 years ago. Then I realised I have my LGFB tomorrow, and the posts of the ladies who had a disasterous time at their workshop came to mind. These 2 issues may have been triggers. And yes, I believe the hair loss does say 'cancer'. I'm going to pick myself up and dust myself off and carry on. All of you ladies have helped immensely with your comments and support and for that I'm thankful. Back to my 'one day at a time' mantra and hopefully I can stay on track.
Hazel xx
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Hi Hazel
Good on your for taking yourself of to the GP and also pin pointing what might be the triggers to your depression. Thanks to you to reminding us all to take one day at a time. Big hugs to you Hazel you can do this. Love Joy xx
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Oh I'm glad Hazel. Sleep deprivation can be a depressive trigger in itself and thinking of your family and what you have all been through would be a very miserable time for you.
I just wanted to tell you that my experience with the LGFB workshop was wonderful. The ladies running it at Peter Mac were lovely and we had a lot of fun. Even sending ourselves up in the finish with over the top makeup (that of course was after the serious demo of the makeup). It was weird at first when they asked us all to take off our head coverings but then we all looked at each other a realised we were practically all bald and it didn't matter, we were not alone. I've never been one to wear a lot of makeup but I took what I wanted from the day and I think that's the main thing. I hope you enjoy it too.
Love Janey xxx0 -
Hugs back to you, Joy. The very first doctor I saw said 'remember one day at a time' and although I'm only part way through the process, it has proved to be the best advice. Hope you are doing well yourself, take care,
Hazel xx
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I have been looking forward to tomorrow's LGFB, and I think you are right, take what I want from the day, hoping for some good make-up tips and maybe some headwear tips. Everyone is different, and I should remember that when I am reading other peoples experiences. I will let you know how the day goes, take care,
Hazel xx
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The best bits for me were meeting other women from my local community going through treatment at the same time as me, and seeing all the great ideas with headwear. The make-up is very good quality and I was reassured to find that most of the women were as nervous as I was about how to put it on.
Just relax and enjoy. Deanne xxx0 -
don't beat yourself up over the down days, they are to be lived thgrough just like the good ones. Its impossible to be up all the time, and you need to be able to vent. I think thats what we are here for too, too listen to the venting as we can truely understand that its just that. Not a deep dark depression but a temporary feeling of world I've had enough today.
I made sure my husband took photos of me throughout the last year and I recently looked at them and some are wonderful and others show me with no hair, pale skin and deep black grooves cut into my face under my eyes. They bare wittness to what I travelled as do your bad days.
The best thing I did for myslef was to see a psychologist, she helped me so much I recommend it for us all.
Ok, take care
Donna
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Hello Hazel....Honey if you weren't emotional,crying and depressed you would be one in a million! Lives have been thrown in the tumble dryer once the cancer word is uttered. I was diagnosed with cancer in both breasts and had a Bilateral Mastectomy in April 2011. Think I cried, wailed and sobbed at every opportunity. At one Cancer Seminar I even managed to raise my hand through a fit of this uncontrolled sobbing and ask "when will I stop crying"?
Anyhow these feeling lessen over time but are an important part of the process. When I was on the DEX I was a nasty monster full of frustration and continually agitated. Did I mention that was FAT, RED FACED and BALD?
When I had my wig on I looked like my son's basketball with a guinea pig asleep on top of it. Gave up on the wig most of the time and wore a hat or cap and sometimes even just BALD.
Simply putting on a bit of lippy made me feel better. One day after LGFB I did what I thought was a reasonable effort at having some eyebrows. The expression on the faces of my husband and son told me something different! One did look slightly catterpillar like and was much thick than it's companion.
Life does get back to somewhere near normal there will be more tears but plenty of laughter and smiles
Blessings....Kim.
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