Forum Discussion

gilliann's avatar
gilliann
Member
12 years ago

Who are your true friends??

Hi Girlies,

Was  wondering if anyone's had the misfortune of  being let down by any of your pre cancer friends? Prior to my diagnosisI I was social butterfly,  out most weekends having a meal and wine with my friends. Obviously because of chemo I've not been able to continue my normal social activities.  Whilst I'm not under the disillusionment that my friends social lives have to stop because mine has but I feel pretty abandoned at the moment. The lyrics to  this Bessie  Smith song pretty much sum up how I feel at the moment.

 

Once I lived the life of a millionaire

Spent all my money, I just did not care

Took all my friends out for a good time

Bought bootleg whiskey, champagne and wine

 

Then I began to fall so low

Lost all my good friends, I did not have nowhere to go

I get my hands on a dollar again

I'm gonna hang on to it till that eagle grins

 

'Cause no, no, nobody knows you

When you're down and out

In your pocket, not one penny

And as for friends, you don't have any

 

When you finally get back up on your feet again

Everybody wants to be your old long-lost friend

Said it's mighty strange, without a doubt

Nobody knows you when you're down and out

 

I feel really angry and pretty hurt to be honest.  Especially as

I've  been through and held their hands through tough times in  Their lives. That doesn't make me a saint or anything.  Thats what friends do. I'm struggling to move on from this. Any advice?

 

  • gilliann's avatar
    gilliann
    Member
    12 years ago

    Hi Girlies,

    Thanks for all the kind words of support. It's great that when I feel like I'm cracking up you all make me feel normal again. Vicki I will defintley see on the 30th for the Perth get together. xxxx

     

  • gilliann's avatar
    gilliann
    Member
    12 years ago

    I get that people don't know what to say sometimes.  I suppose the  thing I'm  finding difficult is that the people who are acting this way have known me for years. Went through school, uni and pretty much everything together.  Don't get me wrong I still have some fantastic support.  My hubbie, parents, siblings and other friends have been fantastic. Even people who in don't know that well have been so kind. My husbands bosses wife whom I've met only a couple of times, popped round  yesterday with a packet of Tim Tams. We sat in the garden with a coffee and had a good old natter. I suppose people deal with things in different ways and its probably a bit presumptuous to think everyone react the same way you would if the roles were reversed. 

     

  • Pixie29's avatar
    Pixie29
    Member
    12 years ago
    Hullo gorgeous girl So sad to read your post...breaks my heart. I agree with the previous posts, sometimes people don't know what to say so they stay away. I sent an email message update after each treatment and that's when my friends responded. Also, don't be afraid to ask for their company, tell them you miss seeing them. I know you feel you shouldn't have to ask but sometimes you do! Hope to see you on 30th, we promise to make you smile ;) V xox
  • peggysue's avatar
    peggysue
    Member
    12 years ago

     I personally have found the BC journey to be a very lonely one.  My immediate family have been fantastic.  Extended family (my brother & sisters etc) most friends have been distant. At first I thought, well, here is your chance to be an advocate.  Now, I might add, I always tried to make  people feel comfortable.  I tried to be open.  I have never been emotional about it.  All that being said, I do believe what that other lovelies have stated.  People don't know what to do or  say, so the easiest thing is for them is to avoid the person, or the subject. I think that its just human nature. Some will run towards you to comfort and others  will run the in the opposite direction.Even the bestie was distant, and only heard from her when I rang.  Never a phone cal or visit from her. I  went to see her recently when she injured herself, her first words to me were.  "Well, you don't look sick to me".  I had not seen her since diagnonis last November 2012.  

  • peggysue's avatar
    peggysue
    Member
    12 years ago

     I personally have found the BC journey to be a very lonely one.  My immediate family have been fantastic.  Extended family (my brother & sisters etc) most friends have been distant. At first I thought, well, here is your chance to be an advocate.  Now, I might add, I always tried to make  people feel comfortable.  I tried to be open.  I have never been emotional about it.  All that being said, I do believe what that other lovelies have stated.  People don't know what to do or  say, so the easiest thing is for them is to avoid the person, or the subject. I think that its just human nature. Some will run towards you to comfort and others  will run the in the opposite direction.Even the bestie was distant, and only heard from her when I rang.  Never a phone cal or visit from her. I  went to see her recently when she injured herself, her first words to me were.  "Well, you don't look sick to me".  I had not seen her since diagnonis last November 2012.  

  • Robyn_W's avatar
    Robyn_W
    Member
    12 years ago
    I think like you,that a lot of people don't know how to act around you when they find out.And I have found,that it's often the people who are usually the most outgoing.I have had three examples of this in the past week.One,my neighbour(yes!) who has not come near me:a lady who I am usually very friendly with,and when I sent her a text msg yesterday,just to catch up,she sent me a long msg back saying that she hadn't wanted to intrude,and a man at a shop that I often go to,who so obviously puts his head down an runs the other way when he sees me coming.Its not that they don't want to talk to you,they just don't know what to say.I think too,it's especially hard if you are the sort of person that would be there knocking on their door if the shoe were on the other foot.Try not to let it worry you too much.Cheers Robynxox
  • Deanne's avatar
    Deanne
    Member
    12 years ago
    I think a lot of people just don't know what to do or say when confronted with this sort of situation. It falls outside their realm of experience and so they do nothing. I had someone in my life who made no direct contact with me during Chemo, not even a text message to say thinking of you before or after each chemo. I knew they were asking about me through my Mum but the lack of any direct contact really hurt. After a while I realized that my situation was difficult for her to cope with because she had lost her Dad to cancer. It was bringing back a lot of emotion for her and I think she felt that she could not be a support for me because of this. (did not want to bring her fears into my situation). I then started emailing her and she responded back immediately. We kept in contact this way while I was on Chemo and she actually said some of the nicest things to me via email. I am sure she would never have been able to say them to me personally without a lot of tears. Sometimes the fear of not being able to handle the emotional side of contact with someone in our situation is the reason people avoid us. It is not because they do not care but that they feel they are not strong enough to be a support. I have had others that have just dropped out of my life and I think it was just too uncomfortable for them. I wonder what will happen when they have to face me once I am back to work etc. I don't take it personally because I think they would treat anyone in my situation the same. It is their problem not mine! Try not to be hurt by other's shortcomings. Concentrate on getting well and lean on the friends and family who are able to be there for you. I also take great comfort from the 'friends' I have made here. Deanne xxxxxx
  • newbie12's avatar
    newbie12
    Member
    12 years ago

    Just when you need your friends to gather around you they disappear. Maybe they don't know what to say, how to act so they don't do anything and that makes you feel so very isolated. I guess you can feel resentful and call into question what friendship is and appreciate the old ones that stay and the new ones that come into your life.