everyone has an opinion
Hi there, I am 42 and.have been diagniosed with early breast cancer. Whilst I am getting through all the medical appointments , treatments , one day at a time,. and have had great support from family and friends, I am finding that everyone wants to give you advice...are you eating enough...are you resting enough, have you lost weight .. etc etc. I am aware that people often dont know what to say , yet some times this can be the opposite, and infact they feel they can make any comment at all about the way you look and your health.Has anyone any advice for how to respond to such comments, without been rude !!!!Cheers S.
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If it were me, I would just explain nicely that thank you for your concerns and comments but right now these comments are unhelpful as you need to put all of your energy towards your battle, and worrying about the small things, is unhelpful. Tell them you have a TEAM of medical staff checking up on nearly all aspects of your life at present and watching your weight, and food intake and making sure your rest etc. that they have given you all the information on the balance of rest vs activity and eating etc etc. And that while you appreciate there concern, by getting this information from others as well it is sending you into information overload and you are worried that you might miss some important information from your medical team, becasue of this.
That is what I told my family and friends.
Hope this helps.
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thanks for that, I like the idea of saying that I have a medical team checking me, so I 'll try that next time I get a negative comment or too much advice xo
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I agree,we'll just keep smiling and filter out the comments we dont need. I think some people forget that everyones cancer and their journey is different... they are quick to put people in the same box.
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Until you have walked in these shoes I dont think you ever really appreciate how it feels.
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Hi Tonya, I cant believe that people asked how your hair was going....really, it must have been hard for you to hold back. I have tried changing the topic with people but its like they are addicted to talking about cancer., Even my attempts to talk about the weather are often diverted back to treatment etc. I think I just have to be persistent and keep trying, to remind them that I am more than just a person been treated for BC, ....thanks S xo
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I understand what you are all saying. Before Breast cancer if I had a bad day you could ring family and friends and vent out my feelings and they would empathise and be sorry and say thats really bad.
Then when I got breast cancer, most the time I was really positive but of course I had bad days, I just wanted someone to talk to but everytime I said its a bad day to family they would jump on me go, you cant talk that way you have to keep positive and start giving me advice about everyone else that had cancer. I know I had to be positive but what I really wanted was someone to say It Sucks, it is hard.
So I came on here when I was upset and I got so much support from all the lovely ladies.
So yes filter out the comments and think they are trying in their own way to be supportive.
Take care and I hope it all goes well
Dot x
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Hi Dot, yes it does suck on some of those bad days and you just want someone to listen to you , this is defirnately the right forum to get that support , thankyou and good luck too S xo
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HI Dot -
Yes the stream is never ending. I have found that refusing to be drawn into the conversation is very effective. I just continue with my line that I am fine, going well and yes isn't it great to be able to go clothes shopping and have a new hair style slow them down a bit. I then slip into another topic, ususally something that I know is controversial of not of interest to them and it/they go away. Family have quickly learned not to go down that path as it leads to great resistance and eventual pay back. Good friends have continued to be good friends, politely enquire as to how you are and then let it go with whatever your answer is. Work mates have also backed off greatly after a few re-buffs and words from others about where not to tread. There are not too many to whom you can speak openly and honestly and this site is still the best forum for that to occur unless you have a local support group.
Keep smiling and trying
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Its probably a good idea just to try to slip in other topics once the BC word comes up. I read somewhere that you can also turn the conversation back to the other persons hair style etc etc....so change the focus .I think the key ingredient is just persistence & persistence . Sxo
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Yes, I don't know what is is with some people, who suddenly seem the think we are breast cancer, with people attached, not people with breast cancer. While we have this Sh1tty disease it isNOT the be all and end all of our lives.
We are NOT our diagnosis.
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You are so right, we need to be and usually are positive but NO ONE can be positive 100% of the time. Especially when they are scared, gpoing through treatment, waiting for results etc etc.
You can be positive and down at the same time, or positive and scare, or temporarily not positive. This is all 100% normal. But you are right the only peopel who truly understand this seem to be others who have gone or are going through it.
THANK GOODNESS for this site, and other Breast Cancer support groups.
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Hi all, I must be weird, but I was never offended by people's comments. Yes, it did annoy me at times when I would get the "chin up, be positive" talk, because of course I was being positive, and how dare someone feel they need to remind me of that. My Dad always says, " you are looking well, how do you feel?" I can forgive him for that, because even though I'm 53 I am still his little girl, and he wants to know that I am ok. I would prefer to be asked silly questions than have nothing mentioned, and then wonder if people actually cared. When people asked about my hair, I'd often take off my wig and show them. That would usually stop more probing. People can be insensitive, but it is probably ignorance, and the need for them to feel like they are helping somehow. I had many more positive responses from people than negative, so I think I was lucky. All the best, love Chris xx0
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Hi Tania, I quite like the idea of saying I have had enough of talking about me , lets talk about some thing else. it is nice to think people care and ask quetsions , but this is one time in your life where we have to come first, and shouldn't feel bad about not wanting to go into every detail with people....or as you said only those you choose to.thanks and take care .Sxo
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I love your posts - always down to earth and such good advice. I start chemo tomorrow for 18 weekly sessions, so the hair will be gone in a couple of weeks. If taking off the wig stops the questions, I 'll do it too! Noone has offended me either. Sometimes the questions are a bit heavy-handed, but at least they care enough to try asking. Wish me luck tomorrow -
love, Michelle xx
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Hi Michelle, the wig removal is interesting. I found a lot of people quite interested to see what my bald head looked like, but I would only remove it if they wanted to see. Then I would get comments like, "oh, you have a nice shaped head" LOL. I guess we are all so individual, and all respond differently. I have seen 2 women recently, in my local shops, (both strangers to me) who are wearing turbans, and I desperately wanted to go up to a say something. You know, I haven't been brave enough, and when a smile hasn't been acknowledged, I've just walked on. I fear regection in this situation, and I guess so do our friends. How bad is that?, but knowing how different everyone feels, has made me feel
unsure about reaching out to a stranger, and that makes me feel awkward. I wish
you well with your chemo. I hope you will not
have a bad time with it. I was very lucky, as my
chemo didn't knock me around much at all. Love Chris xx0
