Updated/removed post

Maree72

Hello everyone, I'm new here, very new, I was diagnosed with Brest Cancer on the 14th Dec 2022, one day before I turned 50, great birthday gift huh? 

Thank you for the  ladies who responded to me, I have received a personal message, explaining that possibly the friend (s) I was referring to could see this, possibly a good point? 
And then I should just edit the post I had originally made if I could not delete it.
So I've taken out the question altogether.

This site was given to me by my beast care nurse at the mater hospital as a good reference for support groups and articles, the 1st day I tried to log on and ask a question, I couldn't stop crying and just had to walk away from my computer, so today being a good day, I thought I would reach out and try it for the 1st time. OOpppps my bad! 

So I thought I would ask a question on if other people had experienced friends who just bulldoze there comments away with no regards to your feeling, like suck it solider, move on, deal with it, and so forth, I went into sharing a few things that were said to me, however that was pointed out as a mistake, as the people who said these things could see post and figure out who I am should they be on this site. Lesson learnt. Don't ask for help, Don't ask for advice, 

I wont do that again.
I'll sort this Brest cancer battle out myself, but thank you anyway  for the responses I did get.


As you can see its only been coming up 3 weeks tomorrow I've been diagnosed with Brest cancer, so its all still super early, I've seen my surgeon, my Brest Care nurse, the hospital admission clerk, now waiting on the RET-CT Scan, 

I should have never asked my question in here. I wont do that again.
Sorry to have bothered you all

June1952

Welcome @Maree72 to this very special club of very special ladies.
You are not alone as many members have had to sadly discover their friends are not who they thought they were.  There is another post re this issue so I will try to find it for you.  So many people open their mouths before engaging their brains and some simply try to lighten the situation with comedy but fall short.
Any questions can be put up on here and someone will no doubt have experience to help you.

Afraser

@Maree72

Commiserations! It’s not an easy thing to get your head around and friends being thoughtless doesn’t help but as you’ll hear those words a lot from now on, let’s start - everybody is different.
Cancer, even breast cancer, isn’t one thing it’s many and they are different - different patterns of growth, different prognoses, different treatments.
Reactions to treatments are different - often for no reason that anyone can work out. 
Reactions to having cancer are different - some want to keep their life as ‘normal’ as possible, some want a time of retreat and reflection. 
And friends and family are different too - the friend who had a double mastectomy has dealt with it by perhaps seeing what she considers a positive outcome without pausing to consider you don’t share that opinion. Friends who don’t quite know what to say assume you are busting to talk to a complete stranger about it all! Blurting is common, trying to avoid the entire discussion even more common. 
I don’t know about you but I wasn’t very good about having discussions with friends or colleagues with cancer, when I was in that happy world of not having cancer! But I found that taking their lead was the best way. If the person with cancer wants to treat it with humour, fine. If they are looking for empathy, easy. So you may have to give your friends the starter instructions. What’s on and what’s not. And clearly. Real friends will be grateful for your help, which is the wrong way round I know but it’s often how things work. Best wishes for finding your way, which you will, through this new chapter in your life. Remember, it’s just a chapter. 

AllyJay

Hi there @Maree72...I'm sorry you've had to join our club, but welcome. Many of us have had the experience of friends, family, business associates and so on responding to us in ways we don't like or appreciate. From the one extreme of where they don't know what to say or do, so they 'ghost' us, avoid us and say nothing. The other extreme is when they open their mouth, and whatever is in there, just falls out....mouth first, then brain after. You'll also probably get all sorts of 'advice' and or feedback, such as "Oh you poor thing...my aunt/cousin/sister....whoever got breast cancer too and she was dead in six months". Or, "My gran had breast cancer and she lived for fifty years after her boob was chopped off..." Great huh? Then you'll get all the advice such as that the oncologists are all in cahoots with Big Pharma, so go the 'narural' route. From coffee enemas to alkaline water, cutting out all sugar ('cause cancer grows on sugar), kale smoothies, organic this that and the next thing...no underarm deodorant, don't stand near your microwave oven, beware of the 'beams' put out from your mobile phone...it just goes on and on. The thing is...you don't get it until you get it. As mentioned above, breast cancer is not just one disease with a one size fits all approach to treatment. Your cancer may differ from mine, and mine from the next person. My advise is for you to trust in your medical team, and if you don't feel that you're confident with any of them, seek a second (or even third) opinion. This is their bread and butter. This is the first time you've had breast cancer, but for them, it's a beast they know well. I wish you all the best for your treatment...big hug, Ally.

Keeping_positive1

@Maree72 you can absolutely express your displeasure in the insensitive comment made by your friend.  My guess is the member who sent you a private message was just giving you the heads up in case it opened a can of worms for you with a friend that may possibly see the post. 

People don't even have to sign up to see forum posts, and a while back we had some members who put up photos of themselves after surgery, not knowing it can be seen by all, whether a member or not on the forum.

Your main concern is how to respond to people who make such comments, and I am still trying to figure that out myself, as sometimes even now nearly 6 years on I still sometimes get taken aback by some people who should actually know better.  The latest one was a good friend who finally said to me last year that they have a cure for cancer and are keeping it from people, and sorry to inform me!  Further saying I am naive to believe otherwise.  

I once had an acquaintance/friend embarrass me at a birthday get together in a hobby group I was attending not long after my diagnosis.  She said in front of everyone that I shouldn't have any cake as the sugar will feed the cancer.  If I had thought quick enough, I would have said, don't worry about me I already have cancer, it is you that shouldn't eat the cake if you don't want to get cancer!  

Seriously though, some people just say really crappy stuff to people with cancer at times.  Maybe just say something like, I FIND THAT TO BE A CRAPPY COMMENT!

It can be very disappointing to hear upsetting comments like you have experienced.  I hope you can put those people who make insensitive comments back in their place, or just walk away, and/or ignore.  Wishing you all the best with your treatment.  xx

Maree72

@Keeping_positive1- thank you for your response, that's very kind of you, 

strongtogether

@Maree72 welcome to the club that none of us wanted to join. 
Some people don't know what to say. Here you will find people who care. As others have said, this journey is unique for each of us, but there will be people whose experience and advice will be useful to you. 
You've got this!

Cath62

Hi @Maree72,

I am sorry you had that experience. Unfortunately many of us can sympathise with you regarding comments from family or friends. I had several comments made to me from so called friends.  I actually wrote them down as i was stunned by them.  Hope you get a laugh from how stupid these comments are. Here's a few of them:


#  'Are you better yet,  get on with it!' (said after round 2 with 11 rounds if chemo to go, plus radium to go)


#  'Can't wait to see your bald head' ( said to me when diagnosed)


# 'Show us your head' ( said after I shaved it and to someone I had explained the sensitivity of the hair loss)

#   'I have seen lots of bald and shaved heads so it's ok to show me' (no! It isn't about what you are comfortable with, it's about me a new what I want).


# ' You will need to get you acceptance at the right time' (inferring death and me accepting it. This was said when a friend visited me after I told them of my diagnosis - I had advised them the positive outcome expected from treatment but they went to the worse case)


# 'You really can't tell the difference in your boobs, I know because I have been looking and I can't tell. Maybe it is your bra.' 

# '  I take away your shit and bring it into me because I can take it and send back instead golden healing light'    (I know they believe they are on a path of enlightenment and seem to think they can heal me). 
 

Maree72

@Cath62, gosh that’s so bad, I’m sorry you had that happen, a friend who is not on this page as he had no idea how to use too much modern tech, asked when he should shave his head to join me , like dude I haven’t seen the surgeon yet, that was straight after my diagnosis! 
the 2 people who have push my buttons to the last straw have been blocked on my socials for my own mental health 

Thanks for sharing 

iserbrown

Advice I was given by a Counsellor. 
Let your hubby be the gate keeper.  Surround yourself with positive people 

Keeping_positive1

@iserbrown I second that advice given by a counsellor.  I had to let some people go that wouldn't get with the program!  

Cath62

I don't have the 'friends' who said those stupid things to any more in my life. I only have people who matter to me and care for me in my world.

Maree72

@Cath62 I’m debating the same thing , while they are both on block phone numbers and social media 
I’m still trying to wrap my head around the one who’s just been through her own bc and double mastectomy saying what she said to me that was so cruel and hurtful
as for the other fool who shared his good thoughts as a restaurant recommendation
im not as hurt over
but both totally insensitive

Appreciate everything everyone is posting on this thread to help me at this time of my beginning battle 
thank you 🙏 

Zoffiel

@Maree72 I've found my skin has become a bit thicker and my tongue considerably sharper since my first diagnosis in 2006.

One thing that I have learnt; most people have some pretty well established factory settings. As do I..

They don't suddenly develop helpful filters or behaviours because your circumstances have changed.

The folk you liked and trusted before might need some time to adjust. I can forgive clumsiness from those whom I know have good hearts but don't know quite what to say or do.

Other greedier more self focussed individuals--who you might previously have tolerated because of their entertainment value--can be cut loose. You don't have to do much to get rid of them, just ignore them. They won't have any interest in you if you don't give them what they want.

Hang in there. Mxx

Maree72

@Zoffiel
thank you
yes you are correct 
the person in question 
who I removed the comments as per advice 
from here 
is also another bc survivor 
who just under gone a double mastectomy herself ( her choice I believe)
but it’s been the cruel comments she had made rather than listening or being supportive 
As one would think 
I’m now tired of excusing this behaviour
as I believe they know better in what they say
saying hurtful things to lighten the situation
isn’t cool
 not in the manner it’s been done & said 
but yes you are very very correct 
Along with everyone else 
time to let certain ones go
 

Thanks for your advice and good wishes 
xx 

Christabel03

@Maree72 some people I find just don't know how to react and that is when the stupid comments start. I think one of my favourites was "well only good things can come from cancer and all this and you'll be a better person for going through it"
WOW still blows my mind that I managed to just stand there and say nothing and not flip my lid! However these days (whether its the Tamoxifen tablets or menopause or all of it), my patience is a lot thinner and my tounge is very sharp too, somedays I wouldn't want to be on my receiving end hahaha!
As has been said, surround yourself with positive people. Hang in there xx