Feel the need to withdraw from family
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carolr
Member Posts: 5 ✭
Hi All. I'm 4 months post active radiation treatment and on hormone therapy and Venlafaxine.
When I was diagnosed my husband was in hospital with an undiagnosed illness. In fact, my husband is always sick or injured or tired or something. I battled on and went through the diagnosis and treatment by myself for the 3 months. I didn't really ask for help with anything. I run horses on my property and kept working full time plus I had my 1 year old grandson living with me. It was a full on time.
The reason i didn't ask for help is because I sort of expected it to be offered. I really should have known better because it was clearly absent. I listen to alot of the podcasts from BCA and the overwhelming theme is lots of support etc etc. I don't feel like I had that support but I tried to convince myself otherwise.
Over the last week however, I feel like I just want to withdraw from everyone that really should have helped but didn't; husband, kids, friends. Those whose response was 'well so and so had breast cancer and she's okay now' ....great, that isn't me. Kids who left me to look after their toddlers or watched as I lugged buckets of feed up and down a hill (the day I got out of hospital from lumpectomy). The only time I asked for something was when I was really, really tired from the radiotherapy and I asked someone to drive me. Hubbie drove me but made such a deal about it I wish I hadn't.
Come to the conclusion that actually going through cancer treatment and learning to deal with being a survivor is easier on my own. Then I won't feel at all disappointed.
When I was diagnosed my husband was in hospital with an undiagnosed illness. In fact, my husband is always sick or injured or tired or something. I battled on and went through the diagnosis and treatment by myself for the 3 months. I didn't really ask for help with anything. I run horses on my property and kept working full time plus I had my 1 year old grandson living with me. It was a full on time.
The reason i didn't ask for help is because I sort of expected it to be offered. I really should have known better because it was clearly absent. I listen to alot of the podcasts from BCA and the overwhelming theme is lots of support etc etc. I don't feel like I had that support but I tried to convince myself otherwise.
Over the last week however, I feel like I just want to withdraw from everyone that really should have helped but didn't; husband, kids, friends. Those whose response was 'well so and so had breast cancer and she's okay now' ....great, that isn't me. Kids who left me to look after their toddlers or watched as I lugged buckets of feed up and down a hill (the day I got out of hospital from lumpectomy). The only time I asked for something was when I was really, really tired from the radiotherapy and I asked someone to drive me. Hubbie drove me but made such a deal about it I wish I hadn't.
Come to the conclusion that actually going through cancer treatment and learning to deal with being a survivor is easier on my own. Then I won't feel at all disappointed.
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Comments
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Dear @carolr
You’ve had a lousy time. Even very independent, ‘oh, just let me do it’ people (I count myself as one) have a need for a shoulder at some point or other during cancer treatment. I didn’t need a support team, I worked throughout treatment but I did want someone to recognise, just occasionally, that it wasn’t all skittles. My stoic, ‘let’s not make a fuss’ but caring partner surprised me a couple of times by suddenly doing something totally unexpected, appropriate and delightful. It doesn’t take much. Unfortunately, it’s easy to assume independent people don’t need anything. Or to rush into ‘it’s all over’ mode. Especially if you don’t know what to do, or haven’t asked or think
it’s all too late to bother now.
If you can, clear out for a while! The Otis Foundation and others offer free accommodation for breaks. Take some time for yourself and let others just manage best they can for a while. I don’t believe that cancer changes who you are but it can provide a really good kickstart to living better. If not now, when? Very best wishes.3 -
Yes I agree with the comment above - clear out for a while , have a change of scenery and be with yourself.
I do think sometimes we can be too stoic.
When I asked my beast cancer surgeon for a referral to a psychologist ( as suggested by my breast care nurse) he said “ I am surprised - you don’t seem like the type of person who needs this” - he is otherwise a fabulous Doctor but at that comment I just wanted to cry ( but was busy being stoic!!)
Take care and feel free to vent on here anytime - we have all been let down by at least someone on our breast cancer journey and often in the most surprising ways.3 -
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So sorry to see you join us here, @carolr, in our 'exclusive' club ....
Sadly, it is times like this that we sometimes learn who our 'friends' really are, both within the family and your friends - and some are found, sadly, to be lacking
My husband has dementia (plus diagnosed last year with Stage 4 cancer) - and whilst I've been his carer since his first surgery many years ago (removal of most of his stomach) sadly, the dementia has meant there is little empathy for myself when diagnosed 4 years ago. Having no kids makes it more difficult, as we live in a regional town where we have no relatives.
As the girls have said .... being seen as 'independent' and 'coping' in the past - can lead to the belief that we don't need support (both physical and mental) now - which just isn't true.
Definitely, have a break away - contact Otis & see if any of their retreats are available (during covid, most would have been stopped, I believe.)
I am guessing that you are so used to doing all the chores (feeding the animals as well - how extraordinary that you could even do that on the day you had your lumpectomy!) that you are loath to 'leave it up to them' ..... but you really need to - to see just what they WILL or WILL NOT do in your absence.
Jump onto this link & you'll see lots of other areas on the blog - we even manage to have a good laugh now & then ....
https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/23477/a-big-welcome-to-all-our-new-members#latest
Whack up any questions/observations that you have & we'll do our best to answer/understand them xx
take care xx4 -
Hi @carolr
Sounds really tough what you have been through. I had a bit of a hard time during treatment with some family.
I had a sister who never even called me when she new of my diagnosis. My husband pushed her to contact me and she did but it was strained and after 1 call I only ever had a text message a couple of times from her. She lives 15 mins from me and not once did she pop in to see how I was.
Best thing I did was move on from those that don't support me. I lost a couple of friends during cancer treatment too. I certainly found out who was there for me and who wasn't.
I don't have much of a relationship with my sister now. I send birthday and Christmas wishes but other than that there is not much there. Shame because I value family. I just focus on the family and friends who I do have a positive relationship with and I stopped making an effort on the rest.
I agree you need a bit of time away for you. Cancer does make you reassess lots of things including what we do for family.
I did so much for my family and I have stopped much now because I need to look after myself first before I help anyone else. You can't keep giving from an empty cup but if you fill your cup with some self care first you may have something to give others. I had to make the change and you know what, when I did the wheels didn't fall off and everyone adjusted.
Best wishes to you 💐2 -
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True that.
It's impossible to not feel disappointed.
Hang in there and follow your heart. I found I didn't even need to cut the wankers and platitude sprouted loose. I just let them drift away and became unavailable if they tried to come back. Mxx0 -
Thank you everyone firstly for taking the time to read my comment and secondly, be so helpfully non-judgmental. I have looked at the Otis Foundation website and there is 1 possibility for some time away so I'll contact them. Listening to Dr Charlotte's podcast is helping alot as well.6
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Hi @caroir, perhaps phone otis. They usually have a wait list and sometimes the offer of a break comes when you least expect it. For me I put my name down for a place within a couple hours of where I live. With wait lists and covid it was nearly a year after I registered that they offered me something. Might depend of where you want to go.0
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@caroir , your story totally resonates with me. I lost most of my friends, not all but most. I just do not have one bit of time for them anymore. I received no support from lifelong friend that lived within a 300 metre to 3km radios away from me. Not asking how I was, nothing. I did reach out to one of them to text that I feeling was super anxious. Her reply was "Awwwww" that's it! nothing else. I won't even begin to tell you about my partner at the time. Not worth it. But that one REALLY hurt. I didn't receive a card from work either, I had been working there 12 years.
I had my family (mother, father and sister) Thank God but my parents are in their mid 80's. I will never forget the image of my mother struggling down my long driveway on a wintery Melbourne day carrying groceries whilst my non-working healthy friends were around the corner. And my sister lives right out of town with four kids and works full time so not fair to put responsibility on her. I was so bitter and hurt about it for months, all during treatment. It's only the last few days I have become at peace with it.
I hear you; I get it and it's an awful feeling. Almost like abandonment. I am lucky to live on my own in a way cos if had to live with people I no longer respected, well that would be a difficult thing as I am not very good at holding back my thoughts.
It will pass, it will take a lot of time but it does. It will change you in a way that's positive to you, to your inner psyche. You may not know what it is yet but there will be something.
I send you lots of love and warm energy my friend. I think we are the strongest women (one of the strongest anyway) on the planet after going through all of this. Its bloody tough.
❤🧡💛9 -
@carolr
I’m so sorry it was so tough. Some of my family really suck too. ( hubby and kids are fine, everyone else self absorbed) So I have made my own family from good friends who give a damn about me and me about them too. Saves me from a lot of grief and disappointment.
hugz
Caz xxxxxx2 -
Hi @carolr,
I found just out of active treatment a time of great turmoil. Its like youve got through the onslaught and you start to wonder "what the hell just happened to me and where the hell am i at now". It settles a bit as you go on. Relationships seem to come into the spotlight and your values and expectations you might find dont align with what actually happened.
Im still surprised its not like in the movies. As time goes on ive felt less angry and more resigned about it. I also think covid has been exceptionally unhelpful. Maybe people wouldve come to the hospital if not for covid restrictions and been able to be more actively involved. I will never know.
You feel how you feel and its ok.
I do think after treatment ends its helpful to have a roundup with a counsellor. It wont solve everything but it helps to talk it through3 -
Hi@carolr
have been away from this site for a while ( just done 2nd yr of post op hormone therapy) I have a husband oblivious and unhelpful , mostly always been so, and a kind sister too far away. I found living with someone like that made me find it very difficult to accept help, easier not to ask, wanting to keep it a secret from others (although I eventually did get unexpected support from wider friends and a good psychologist). Because of the casual neglect in my relationship I found attention embarrassing and strange, I would flood with tears whenever someone was nice to me, and that is not a good way to live . I have to force myself to break the habit and share a little, let people know that it was and is a big trauma and the anxiety remains and I deserve kindness. You never know from which quarter you will find help, could be someone you dont know yet, but an understanding psychologist is a saviour and I also found great support here. There are many regulars on here that are wise and generous. Best wishes6
