Feel the need to withdraw from family

carolr
carolr Member Posts: 5 ✭
in Now what? The highs and lows of survivorship
Hi All.  I'm 4 months post active radiation treatment and on hormone therapy and Venlafaxine.  

When I was diagnosed my husband was in hospital with an undiagnosed illness.  In fact, my husband is always sick or injured or tired or something.  I battled on and went through the diagnosis and treatment by myself for the 3 months.  I didn't really ask for help with anything.  I run horses on my property and kept working full time plus I had my 1 year old grandson living with me.  It was a full on time.

The reason i didn't ask for help is because I sort of expected it to be offered.  I really should have known better because it was clearly absent.  I listen to alot of the podcasts from BCA and the overwhelming theme is lots of support etc etc.  I don't feel like I had that support but I tried to convince myself otherwise.

Over the last week however, I feel like I just want to withdraw from everyone that really should have helped but didn't; husband, kids, friends.  Those whose response was 'well so and so had breast cancer and she's okay now' ....great, that isn't me.  Kids who left me to look after their toddlers or watched as I lugged buckets of feed up and down a hill (the day I got out of hospital from lumpectomy).  The only time I asked for something was when I was really, really tired from the radiotherapy and I asked someone to drive me.  Hubbie drove me but made such a deal about it I wish I hadn't.  

Come to the conclusion that actually going through cancer treatment and learning to deal with being a survivor is easier on my own.  Then I won't feel at all disappointed.

Comments

  • Afraser
    Afraser Member Posts: 4,441 ✭
    Dear @carolr

    You’ve had a lousy time. Even very independent, ‘oh, just let me do it’ people (I count myself as one) have a need for a shoulder at some point or other during cancer treatment. I didn’t need a support team, I worked throughout treatment but I did want someone to recognise, just occasionally, that it wasn’t all skittles. My stoic, ‘let’s not make a fuss’ but caring partner surprised me a couple of times by suddenly doing something totally unexpected, appropriate and delightful. It doesn’t take much. Unfortunately, it’s easy to assume independent people don’t need anything. Or to rush into ‘it’s all over’ mode. Especially if you don’t know what to do, or haven’t asked or think
    it’s all too late to bother now.

    If you can, clear out for a while! The Otis Foundation and others offer free accommodation for breaks. Take some time for yourself and let others just manage best they can for a while. I don’t believe that cancer changes who you are but it can provide a really good kickstart to living better. If not now, when? Very best wishes. 
  • Julez1958
    Julez1958 Member Posts: 1,246 ✭
    Yes I agree with the comment above - clear out for a while , have a change of scenery and be with yourself.
    I do think sometimes we can be too stoic.
    When I asked my beast cancer surgeon for a referral to a psychologist ( as suggested by my breast care nurse) he said “ I am surprised - you don’t seem like the type of person who needs this” - he is otherwise a fabulous Doctor but at that comment I just wanted to cry ( but was busy being stoic!!) 
    Take care and feel free to vent on here anytime - we have all been let down by at least someone on our breast cancer journey and often in the most surprising ways.
  • iserbrown
    iserbrown Member Posts: 5,728 ✭
    http://www.otisfoundation.org.au/directory
  • arpie
    arpie Member Posts: 8,122 ✭
    edited February 2022
    So sorry to see you join us here, @carolr, in our 'exclusive' club ....

    Sadly, it is times like this that we sometimes learn who our 'friends' really are, both within the family and your friends - and some are found, sadly, to be lacking :(   My husband has dementia (plus diagnosed last year with Stage 4 cancer) - and whilst I've been his carer since his first surgery many years ago (removal of most of his stomach) sadly, the dementia has meant there is little empathy for myself when diagnosed 4 years ago.  Having no kids makes it more difficult, as we live in a regional town where we have no relatives. 

    As the girls have said .... being seen as 'independent'  and 'coping' in the past - can lead to the belief that we don't need support (both physical and mental) now - which just isn't true.

    Definitely, have a break away - contact Otis & see if any of their retreats are available (during covid, most would have been stopped, I believe.)  

    I am guessing that you are so used to doing all the chores (feeding the animals as well - how extraordinary that you could even do that on the day you had your lumpectomy!) that you are loath to 'leave it up to them' ..... but you really need to - to see just what they WILL or WILL NOT do in your absence.  :(

    Jump onto this link & you'll see lots of other areas on the blog - we even manage to have a good laugh now & then .... 
    https://onlinenetwork.bcna.org.au/discussion/23477/a-big-welcome-to-all-our-new-members#latest

    Whack up any questions/observations that you have & we'll do our best to answer/understand them xx

    take care xx
  • Cath62
    Cath62 Member Posts: 1,459 ✭
    Hi @carolr

    Sounds really tough what you have been through. I had a bit of a hard time during treatment with some family.

     I had a sister who never even called me when she new of my diagnosis. My husband pushed her to contact me and she did but it was strained and after 1 call I only ever had a text message a couple of times from her. She lives 15 mins from me and not once did she pop in to see how I was. 

    Best thing I  did was move on from those that don't support me. I lost a couple of friends during cancer treatment too. I certainly found out who was there for me and who wasn't. 

    I don't have much of a relationship with my sister now. I send birthday and Christmas wishes but other than that there is not much there. Shame because I value family. I just focus on the family and friends who I do have a positive relationship with and I stopped making an effort on the rest. 

    I agree you need a bit of time away for you.  Cancer does make you reassess lots of things including what we do for family.

     I did so much for my family and I have stopped much now because I need to look after myself first before I help anyone else. You can't keep giving from an empty cup but if you fill your cup with some self care first you may have something to give others. I  had to make the change and you know what, when I did the wheels didn't fall off and everyone adjusted. 

    Best wishes to you 💐
  • Zoffiel
    Zoffiel Member Posts: 3,374 ✭
    edited February 2022
    True that. 

    It's impossible to not feel disappointed.

    Hang in there and follow your heart. I found I didn't even need to cut the wankers and platitude sprouted loose. I just let them drift away and became unavailable if they tried to come back. Mxx
  • Cath62
    Cath62 Member Posts: 1,459 ✭
    Hi @caroir, perhaps phone otis. They usually have a wait list and sometimes the offer of a break comes when you least expect it. For me I put my name down for a place within a couple hours of where I live. With wait lists and covid it was nearly a year after I registered that they offered me something. Might depend of where you want to go.
  • Caz1
    Caz1 Member Posts: 382 ✭
    @carolr
    I’m  so sorry it was so tough.  Some of my family really suck too.  ( hubby and kids are fine, everyone else self absorbed) So I  have made my own family from good friends who give a damn about me and me about them too. Saves me from a lot of grief and disappointment.

    hugz 
    Caz xxxxxx
  • MicheleR
    MicheleR Member Posts: 352 ✭
    Hi @carolr,

    I found just out of active treatment a time of great turmoil. Its like youve got through the onslaught and you start to wonder "what the hell just happened to me and where the hell am i at now". It settles a bit as you go on.  Relationships  seem to come into the spotlight and your values and expectations you might find dont align with what actually happened.

    Im still surprised its not like in the movies. As time goes on ive felt less angry and more resigned about it. I also think covid has been exceptionally unhelpful. Maybe people wouldve come to the hospital if not for covid restrictions and been able to be more actively involved. I will never know. 

    You feel how you feel and its ok. 

    I do think after treatment ends its helpful to have a roundup with a counsellor. It wont solve everything but it helps to talk it through  

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