Results back- notifing my mum

neenyneeny Mornington Peninsula VictoriaMember Posts: 10
edited June 20 in Newly diagnosed
Hi thanks to everyone for your help and advise. I have had the 9mm lump removed and have got me results back. My nodes are all clear and the bone density scan and Ct scan are also clear. Phew. Yes I have to have radiotherapthy so am awaiting that first appointment. Baby steps. My main concern is now that I am so unsure if I should tell my mum who is 89 and does have short term memory loss, dementia, Of what I am going through. I do not want my mum worrying way too much as she does remember sometimes what I have told her. This for me is the most hardest decision I have to make. Please I need advise on this matter.
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  • kmakmkmakm MelbourneMember Posts: 7,161
    edited June 19
    My first instinct is to say don't tell her. But only if you're comfortable withholding that kind of information about your life from her. It could be difficult. Do you have someone else close to both of you that you could ask? An aunt or uncle, a good friend? I'd hate to think you'd be tortured by guilt from the decision to stay silent.

    Congrats on the clear scans! Wonderful news. K xox
  • SisterSister Adelaide Hills, SAMember Posts: 4,043
    Great news!

    I'm big at no secrets but I agree that this one could be tricky.  A second opinion from someone who knows her well would be helpful.  Or maybe tell her that you had a close call but the news is really good and you don't have to have much treatment - downplay rather than withhold.  I'm afraid that I don't have a lot of experience with dementia to have any certainty.


  • SilbaSilba SydneyMember Posts: 86
    Hi.

    I have Mets cancer , so had in breast ,lymph nodes, a spot in liver and hip .
    Both of my parents are 80 and 86 , they have  their own health issues.so for me personally I told them about the breast and lymphs ,a bit hard to hide a double mastectomy,but I have not told them the rest.

       They are worried enough ,I do have to be careful with what I say and medical app.,etc I guess it depends on how much you are willing to hide and pretend around her.

    But it is up to you ,but if you know any of her good friends might be helpful to have around when you tell her as a support for you and her.

    Good luck 
  • arpiearpie Mid North Coast, NSWMember Posts: 2,764
    edited June 19
    Great  news on your results.  

    Yep, I'm with Sister - downplay it & leave out some bits.  Maybe just say you've been crook - it can be amazing how those with dementia can be 'spot on' with some things as if it was yesterday & hopeless with others (that WAS yesterday.) 

    Do you have a good support group around you?  Family & Friends?  I hope so

    All the best  for your Rads treatment  xx
  • JulieVT11JulieVT11 Chermside, BrisbaneMember Posts: 44
    Great news on getting good results.  In regard to telling your Mum, it also depends on how close you live/how often you see her.  If your having radiation on a daily basis it might be hard to keep up the facade of what your going through physically and mentally without her knowing.  My hubby had prostate cancer which he had lost his father to and he just couldn't tell his Mum, he was lucky to have surgery etc and is in the clear now but he just thought it would be too much stress for her that she didn't need.  We also have not told her about my breast cancer.  She is in her 80's and has been unwell and we figured that as we are both ok there was no reason to tell her.  We live interstate from family so that made the decision easier also.
    good look with the rest of your treatment :)
  • AfraserAfraser MelbourneMember Posts: 2,283
    If your mother has support staff working with her, a chat with them may help. My mother was 86, frail but mentally alert when I was diagnosed. I talked with staff and they were keen to have her involved. I reckon supporting me gave her a new lease of life. But the dementia makes a big difference. Talking with an aged care professional may reassure you you are not doing anything harmful, whatever you decide. Best wishes. 
  • Anne65Anne65 Member Posts: 171
    @neeny Congrats on your results & rad treatment aint so bad so i reckon you are doing really well. 
    My mum has passed away but we chose not to tell my mother-in-law about my cancer, treatment or surgery as she has dementia & has also had breast cancer herself. She is mid 70's. My hubby didnt want her to worry, which she would have & as we live a couple of hours away, it was easy to keep it a secret. As it turned out, i am doing really well with no further treatment on the horizon so it was easy to keep it from my in-laws. I had 2 operations & 3 weeks of rad & they knew nothing about it. I really think the extra worry would have made her condition worse so very happy with the decision. I know it is a bit closer to home being your mum & i think the advice you have already received above, is excellent. At the end of the day, you have to be happy with your decision. You dont want her to worry excessively & make her condition worse but she is your mum & it would be hard to keep it from her. If you were requiring chemo, more treatment or extra surgery, then it may be tricky to hide the hair loss, hospitals stays but if you are only having rad, then half hr a day with very minimal side effects, can easily be kept a secret if you think that is best. Good luck with your decision & with your rad treatment. xx
  • neenyneeny Mornington Peninsula VictoriaMember Posts: 10
    Thanks once again to al who posted their thoughts with me. I am close to my mum and it has been hard not to say anything. I see my mum every Saturday but did not last week as I was in hospital. With reading the responses this has helped me to make my decision of just telling my mum that I had a lump that has been removed and nothing else. I do not want my mum overthinking it all and going over and over it again if mention it was cancer. This has been the hardest decision I have had to make as I too do not like to keep secrets. Have an appointment next Tues re radiology so I will get more info again and move with baby steps towards treatment. Thanks to all you caring wonderful people out there, you certainly made me feel more comfortable in dealing with this. Take care all. Until next time
  • kmakmkmakm MelbourneMember Posts: 7,161
    That's good to hear @neeny. Telling out loved ones is always hard but extenuating circumstances like yours make it that little bit harder. Well done. K xox
  • neenyneeny Mornington Peninsula VictoriaMember Posts: 10
    Thanks @kmakm yes its is hard telling loved ones. I am glad my mum knows that I had a lump and surgery but not the full details as  I do now know the full info yet. This was the hardest decision I hade to make. All is good and moving on and bay steps again.
  • SisterSister Adelaide Hills, SAMember Posts: 4,043
    It's good that you were able to tell her @neeny.  Even if she doesn't really process it properly, you're not carrying the extra burden of keeping a secret and she still gets to be your mum.
  • BlackWidowBlackWidow Lake GardensMember Posts: 149
    You have done the right thing @neeny.  It would eat you up not telling your mum and she may just pick up that you are not 100% and worry in her own way.  As long as the big 'C' word is not mentioned she will probably cope with it OK.  Good on you.  All the best to you and your Mum.  <3
  • neenyneeny Mornington Peninsula VictoriaMember Posts: 10
    Thanks @Sister yes it does feel better now that Mum knows some of the info. Also thanks to @BlackWidow for your wishes yes I did not mention the big 'C' word. Mum has understood that I had a lump and now its gone. 
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