The New Me.

kitkatb Member Posts: 442
edited December 2018 in Health and wellbeing
 I was so looking forward to a works Christmas Party this weekend to catch up with people I hadn't seen for a quite a while as well as friends who have been there for me since the beginning of this shitty BC journey.   I got the old glad rags on ready for a fun night but once having got there I just felt I didn't belong. Like some sort of out of body experience when you are there but not there??   It was lovely to see people but I couldn't muster up one ounce of fun or enjoyment for the evening when everyone else was so obviously enjoying themselves.  With the realisation all I wanted to do was go home I left early with plenty of tears driving home thinking what the hell is wrong with me.  I know in my heart it will get better, I guess it was just one of those moments when you want your old life back and some sense of normality.  


  • Blossom1961
    Blossom1961 Member Posts: 2,340
    @kitkatb You will certainly be getting a lot of understanding on this forum. I dont even like to answer my phone unless it is from one of my new BC friends. I even ignore family members except my kids and hubby. I could push myself, but why bother when this is where I am most comfortable at this point of time. The new me will gradually embrace some of the old life but just at the moment I am trying to learn to like the new me. If that makes sense. Sorry if it doesnt. My brain knows what it is trying to say. You will get to where you will be happy again with some of the old things.
  • Sister
    Sister Member Posts: 4,960
    Totally get it - coming up with conversation is just so hard.  And who has the energy...
  • Annie C
    Annie C Member Posts: 845
    I too would like my old life back. I know it is not to be, but gee I still hanker for it.

    I haven't yet adjusted to the new me. Maybe I never will. 

    Thankyou for normalizing my feelings regarding telephone calls from family members. I am so "over it" with being lectured to by my older sister and brother. Join the club, brother and sister, then you can tell me what to do.

    Today I realised what the new me means. Decided that we would go to Broome for a spot of shopping. 440 kms round trip. 2 years ago not a problem. Home now and "stuffed".

    How on earth I managed driving to Broome and then flying to Perth for treatment and then back home every couple of weeks has me wondering. 

    I must have been tougher than I thought or I just worked on autopilot to get through treatment. 

  • primek
    primek Member Posts: 5,392
    edited December 2018
    I love to socialise again but even  2 years on from chemo and I still find I'm ready to go earlier and just slob in my lounge. 

    I think  initially chit chat small talk is so hard. We've been on an incredible ride and the little things that bother people seem so trivial against it. The art of small talk takes practise too. It's a skill you will quickly re-learn again. Kath x
  • iserbrown
    iserbrown Member Posts: 5,511
    The disconnect that you feel is something most of us have experienced.  Emotional level is totally different to your work colleagues at present - as you get through treatment and settle into the new you perhaps that connection will present again!  Please don't feel sad about it, it is what it is and as well meaning as everyone at work maybe they truly are not on your emotional level and hence that appears to be your struggle at present.  It will pass and you will settle!  In the meantime you have this forum full of all of us who get it!

    Take care
  • arpie
    arpie Member Posts: 7,453
    I totally 'get it' @kitkatb - I find socialising quite difficult too.   You can only 'fake it til you make it' for 'so long'!  

    We are going to a dinner on Sat - and I am also not really looking forward to it.  Tho i shall get thru it.   I've become a real home body!

    I am with you, @Annie C - where is my 'old self'?   I could drive all day too - tho I must admit in recent years to preferring only 4-5hrs a day now, not 8-10 as in the old days!  Yep - you were on Auto Pilot - cos it had to be done.

    You wouldn't want to be a fly on the wall when those bloody nuisance calls come in ..... I am getting very short & sharp with them these days ....... F Off!

    Take care everyone - specially if out driving over this silly season!! xxx
  • Afraser
    Afraser Member Posts: 4,328
    For many people, diagnosis and treatment radically changes day to day life. It's not so surprising therefore that there may be a post treatment period of uncomfortable limbo. I didn't go through it myself, so I can't pretend to 'get it', but I can understand how confusing, limiting and difficult it could be. @iserbrown makes a good point that these adjustments can take longer than you might think to work theough. We feel for you, it's a rough path but time may make it smoother and happier. Best wishes.
  • kmakm
    kmakm Member Posts: 7,974
    Totally get it @kitkatb. More than once I've had that sort of out of body experience and thought 'what the f**k am I doing here?'
  • Sister
    Sister Member Posts: 4,960
    One of the things I struggle with is the constant "How are you?"  I know people are trying to show that they care but honestly, I can't be honest and still be socially acceptable.  I'd much rather something like, "Hi!  Good to see you!" and then move on to another topic.  I've gone through a shit time but I'd rather talk about something else and really, most people wouldn't want to know how I'm actually feeling.
  • kmakm
    kmakm Member Posts: 7,974
    Hear hear @Sister. I have fully adopted 'As well as can be expected' which was @primek's suggestion I think. Or @Romla's. Sorry, can't remember... I continue to be a genie's bottle; too often the enquiry is accompanied by the person rubbing my arm...
  • AllyJay
    AllyJay Member Posts: 934
    And I hear you folks too. My response to the ...head tilted slightly to the side, earnest frown lines on the forehead, hand on shoulder or forearm with the accompanying..."So how are you"? is answered with a slight modification of a saying picked up here @kmakm..I think, but not sure. I say "Well I'm not looking at the I guess that's a bonus". That usually causes a good long pause as they process my response. This doesn't get trotted out to those of my friends and family who are genuine. They usually pose their question after giving me a warm hug.
  • kitkatb
    kitkatb Member Posts: 442
    That's a great analogy @kmakm about the genies bottle.
    Yes @iserbrown a total disconnect.
    Fact is we can say it as it is here as everyone can relate.  I think Saturday night was a greater realisation for me of how I've moved on in a different direction and it just hit the right nerve. 
  • arpie
    arpie Member Posts: 7,453
    It was my GP who brought me undone last week with the 'How are YOU' comment, just as I was about to leave ..... I just started bawling & couldn't stop - even when I got home!  I was FINE up till then.

    Not sure of the reason - I just got the miseries!  :(   Maybe it was because we were discussing my husband's dementia - and had just heard he can't take the medication that could 'slow it down' as he has an abnormal heart beat rhythm & the medication can make it worse?  Yep, that was probably it.  :( 

    Maybe we need a whole new thread for best comebacks for the  "How are you?" question!!     Maybe ''Surviving!   How about you?''
  • Flaneuse
    Flaneuse Member Posts: 899
    I'll join in. I'm still outside myself somewhere but don't know where I am. I'm working through acknowledging that the old me is gone forever. And trying to build a smidgeon of hope that I'll be able to create a new me that I can like. When I got "How are you?" from the surgeon yesterday, I said, "Well I'm still upright, so I suppose that's something." I'd like one of you clever-mouth ladies to come up with a comeback to the one that really makes me boil: "So now that you've finished chemo and radiation you can get back to normal."

    Actually, on a lighter note, I think there must be a scrap of the old me left. I was at the pool shop the other day, buying floaty toy things for the grandchildren because my son has just built a new status symbol pool to rival those of his in-laws (!!!). Two guys about my age were at the counter, with a pile of serious technical pool stuff, discussing it with the salesman. One guy said, "I dunno. I'm just paying. He's the guru." I looked at the other guy and said, "Geez, if you're a guru, you can come home with me." They looked stunned. That's a bit of the old me.
  • Silba
    Silba Member Posts: 115
    Thank you ladies for making me feel not so alone when I go outside my home.

    Totally get the Genie rub ( hate it ).

    Just hate the inability to put up with first world country issues, you know eg " my latte didn't have skim milk " .

    or relies wanting to get together for brunch , dinner etc at fancy places 2 minutes from them but an hour and half from me.
    (people not working , not driving ......., pillow in front of chest for seat belt ........)