Eve of yearly follow up tests; anxious AF; update in general

Summer Prevails

hi everyone
i have been on a slightly higher dose of antidepressants for a couple of weeks now and have been to see my psychologist and psychiatrist and I am in a state of ? semi-okayness? Put it this way, I’m planning things that embrace living instead of dying, even though my heart doesn’t fully connect with what I’m doing it all for just yet. I’m pushing on because the chemistry is keeping me afloat until I one day might actually FEEL honestly good and MEAN it again one day soon. Complicated shit. I know you can relate! 

To say ive been searching my soul for answers to why I have been suicidally depressed is a massive understatement. I have come to seeking further mental health diagnoses from the shrinks in a bid to understand why I am like this. It’s not just the breast cancer fallout. It’s more than that. I’m on the trail and that’s a work in progress. 

I have been walking a lot. Knitting. Hanging out with dogs. Baking things I shouldn’t eat. I’ve withdrawn from the world to live in the safest space I can find for a while and I think it’s been good for me( despite what all the judgey-misunderstanding friends say to me “you’re so isolated, do this do that”). Sometimes you have to go awol. And face up to grief. 

Anyway. I’m here today to say it’s my yearly mammogram and ultrasound tomorrow and the reality of being in the room in the blue robe and the cold gel and the pain of the scar tissue squished in the steel plates is scary as fuck! 

I will get through it. 

But i have the Dread. 

The dread of seeing the U/S tech pause...go over the same spot with the scope...go slower over that spot...ask the other doctor to come take a look....Holy shit. I guess I’m just replaying the moment of diagnosis in my head and my brain has wired that memory in SO firmly that I EXPECT it to happen again. Irrational. 

Please bear with me as I go through the tests tomorrow and ride that whole rollercoaster and fall apart (or not). I have been waiting until I felt ‘ready’ ‘stronger’ or something before I wrote back here again, to all of you rad women Because I wanted to be more coherent and do justice to the things that were said to me when I was in a very dangerous place a few weeks ago. But I realised today that there isn’t a ‘ready’. You just get on with it. Trust yourself. Be vulnerable. Go there. 

Xoxo 

kmakm

No bearing with anything required H. We're with you, we've got you're back & we're holding your hand through cyberspace. So good to hear you're feeling a bit better. K xox

j9k

Hi @Summer Prevails, so glad you are doing better, even though there may still be times it doesn't feel that way. I really relate to your thoughts and feelings. Firstly on anxiety before checkups: once you've been through it once, you know what is possible. Every check becomes an occasion for it to happen again. It is re-traumatising. I know the feeling when the US seems to be taking longer than usual in a particular area or being recalled for another mammogram to get a better picture. Your body and mind starts preparing for 'those words' no matter how hard you try to stay calm and optimistic. That process is traumatic every time, and the emotional distress and exhaustion that occurs trying to manage that process always sets me back. I can hardly function before the check up, and even less so afterwards. People expect you to be pleased and relaxed that you got the all clear, but they don't know what that process cost you and that you've got nothing left after it. I've seen more reference to PTSD AND BC lately and i think it definately warrants study.  Do you have someone to go with you, or something to read/do/music while you are there?  Whatever helps to keep your mind occupied. 

I had depression before I was diagnosed with BC in 2005, but it was well managed and I was a very active, functional participant in life. BC changed that. I see a psychiatrist & psych regularly. I haven't found medication that really assists and despite exercise and trying to stay connected to friends, community I really don't recognise myself anymore and the most basic of daily activities take the most enormous effort. You are right that you have to do it your way sometimes but it's also important to stay connected - when you can. Sometimes it's just too hard. Sounds like you have some activity and rhythm back in your life again even if only 'chemically induced'. Stay with it. 

 I want to say thank you for all your posts here - even the ones you say weren't 'coherent'. I find it hard to talk about having had breast cancer, but even harder to talk about my mental health. This forum allows us to do that. And I have decided to contribute my thoughts today because you have done so. This is always a place to come to when you need to know you aren't alone with your thoughts, feelings and experiences, whether it's just reading the posts of others or posting to seek advice. There is no wrong way to feel. 

 I wish you well tomorrow - I'll be thinking of you. Please let us know how you go. 

Artferret

Good luck for tomorrow. I'll be thinking of you. If you have time, go for a walk before your mammo, just to help clear your head of what i call 'recurrence gremlins'. I know I'll be doing that in 2 months time when it's my turn for my first mammo since diagnosis. We're all here for you.
Best wishes and hugs Cath

Kiwi Angel

@Summer Prevails good luck for tomorrow  - I have the form to book in for my 1 year ultrasound at the start of next year and Im already nervous about it!!

kmakm

Thank you for that honest and open post @j9k. I too have struggled with my mental health, though mine came into focus with the BC diagnosis. It's been helped by the medication I'm taking. It's under discussed by the medical community in the BC experience in my opinion. K xox

adean

6 years on and l still prepare myself for bad news.we are all human.xxx

Summer Prevails

Thanks beautifuls. I will report back after the Prodding and Torture is all done. Xoxo

Giovanna_BCNA

Hello @Summer Prevails,
So great to hear from you and that you are feeling 'semi ok' as you say.  I really appreciate your honesty in starting this discussion about your mental health.  Its great that you feel safe and supported and able talk with other community members about this issue.  As we all know it can be really tricky to initiate these sorts of conversations and discussions.  Great that you have sought the support from a psychiatrist and psychologist and that the medication you have been prescribed is helping you to 'feel' better.

Hello @j9k
I thank you for sharing your experience and for feeling comfortable to do so.  Im very passionate about peer support and having the opportunity to share your experience with others who have gone through similar, who can understand and relate to what you are going through.  Knowing that you wont be judged and can feel free to speak from the heart.   There is so much to be gained from connection and a shared experience and I encourage you both to keep talking.

Wishing you well with the upcoming mammogram @Summer Prevails,  I know many of our community members struggle with what they call 'scananxiety' prior to having investigations.   Take care of you and keep us posted!

Sister

@Summer Prevails So happy to hear from you and that you are "managing".  I don't know how I'm going to feel when it comes time for scans but I do know it won't be easy.  I can't even imagine dealing with existing mental health issues with this beast of a disease.  I think that you're showing just how brave you are in finding a way forward.  I'm having a period where words are deserting me but in my very clumsy way, I'm trying to say that I admire you for your courage and determination.  I'll be thinking of you today.

Summer Prevails

Well I’m back....have consumed half tub of ice cream and some Valium..after the mammo I’m told there’s some microcalcs that warrant a fancy new type of biopsy I’ve not had before..I forget the name. Sounds fun!!!! Oh no wait that’s the valium talking. 

Anyway its over, MMG AND U/S are done for the day. The emotion hasn’t hit me yet. I went to a preadmission appointment early this morning too because I’m having an endometrial polyp surgery next week. Oh boy. And they wonder why I’m a little bit ‘flat’ lately haha 

so when the sugar buzz crashes and im in tears about my body falling apart I’m sure I’ll write some more. I’m glad in a weird way that my brutal openness about mental health is letting you guys be braver about speaking up. I feel like women really are expected to be superheroes with cancer and it’s more pressure to cope with at an already horrific time. So I just like to kill stigma And hope that it eventually breaks down walls, and so that women are more empowered overall. 

kmakm

More strength to your arm @SummerPrevails. The pressure to be the 'good patient' is considerable and I won't have a bar of it. Having being talked out of keeping my BC a secret (at the beginning, how naive was I?!) I chose to be completely open about it. I dislike the veil of positivity that I felt/feel pressured to drape over my altered life.

Brenda5

I am coming up for my 3rd year of tests in October. I never thought about lining up a culinary reward for afterwards. I do like seafood. Maybe I will line up a seafood pig out at the yacht club this year?

j9k

@Summer Prevails glad you made it through that part. Ice cream has magical therapeutic powers.  . It also amazes me how the spoon seems to get to the bottom of the tub when I didn't think I had eaten that much! Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Be very gentle with yourself and do whatever helps to get through. I know there will be people here for you at any time, long after the sugar buzz goes. Keep in touch.

@kmakm you are the first person I heard refer to the idea of the "good patient". It rang bells for me. I spent a lot of energy and emotion being that person out of what I thought was the right thing to do - for them. To protect them. All it did was exhaust me physically, mentally and emotionally. So @Summer Prevails put yourself first. Look after yourself. Ask for what you need. I hope you have good supports around you. And thank you again for sharing your experience. 

Kiwi Angel

Big, huge, squishy hugs to u @Summer Prevails xoxox

Zoffiel

I've taken to buying ice cream I don't like. Yeah, it's an avoidance tactic because I can't bring myself to have none in the house. Just in case. The current inedible delight is Aldi triple mud cake. It is disgusting--all gritty and full of chunks of something I hope is white chocolate but which could be toenails. That doesn't stop me pulling it out of the freezer and having a go, but it stops me guzzling to whole tub.