Forum Discussion
Eve of yearly follow up tests; anxious AF; update in general
hi everyone
i have been on a slightly higher dose of antidepressants for a couple of weeks now and have been to see my psychologist and psychiatrist and I am in a state of ? semi-okayness? Put it this way, I’m planning things that embrace living instead of dying, even though my heart doesn’t fully connect with what I’m doing it all for just yet. I’m pushing on because the chemistry is keeping me afloat until I one day might actually FEEL honestly good and MEAN it again one day soon. Complicated shit. I know you can relate!
To say ive been searching my soul for answers to why I have been suicidally depressed is a massive understatement. I have come to seeking further mental health diagnoses from the shrinks in a bid to understand why I am like this. It’s not just the breast cancer fallout. It’s more than that. I’m on the trail and that’s a work in progress.
I have been walking a lot. Knitting. Hanging out with dogs. Baking things I shouldn’t eat. I’ve withdrawn from the world to live in the safest space I can find for a while and I think it’s been good for me( despite what all the judgey-misunderstanding friends say to me “you’re so isolated, do this do that”). Sometimes you have to go awol. And face up to grief.
Anyway. I’m here today to say it’s my yearly mammogram and ultrasound tomorrow and the reality of being in the room in the blue robe and the cold gel and the pain of the scar tissue squished in the steel plates is scary as fuck!
I will get through it.
But i have the Dread.
The dread of seeing the U/S tech pause...go over the same spot with the scope...go slower over that spot...ask the other doctor to come take a look....Holy shit. I guess I’m just replaying the moment of diagnosis in my head and my brain has wired that memory in SO firmly that I EXPECT it to happen again. Irrational.
Please bear with me as I go through the tests tomorrow and ride that whole rollercoaster and fall apart (or not). I have been waiting until I felt ‘ready’ ‘stronger’ or something before I wrote back here again, to all of you rad women <3 Because I wanted to be more coherent and do justice to the things that were said to me when I was in a very dangerous place a few weeks ago. But I realised today that there isn’t a ‘ready’. You just get on with it. Trust yourself. Be vulnerable. Go there.
Xoxo
i have been on a slightly higher dose of antidepressants for a couple of weeks now and have been to see my psychologist and psychiatrist and I am in a state of ? semi-okayness? Put it this way, I’m planning things that embrace living instead of dying, even though my heart doesn’t fully connect with what I’m doing it all for just yet. I’m pushing on because the chemistry is keeping me afloat until I one day might actually FEEL honestly good and MEAN it again one day soon. Complicated shit. I know you can relate!
To say ive been searching my soul for answers to why I have been suicidally depressed is a massive understatement. I have come to seeking further mental health diagnoses from the shrinks in a bid to understand why I am like this. It’s not just the breast cancer fallout. It’s more than that. I’m on the trail and that’s a work in progress.
I have been walking a lot. Knitting. Hanging out with dogs. Baking things I shouldn’t eat. I’ve withdrawn from the world to live in the safest space I can find for a while and I think it’s been good for me( despite what all the judgey-misunderstanding friends say to me “you’re so isolated, do this do that”). Sometimes you have to go awol. And face up to grief.
Anyway. I’m here today to say it’s my yearly mammogram and ultrasound tomorrow and the reality of being in the room in the blue robe and the cold gel and the pain of the scar tissue squished in the steel plates is scary as fuck!
I will get through it.
But i have the Dread.
The dread of seeing the U/S tech pause...go over the same spot with the scope...go slower over that spot...ask the other doctor to come take a look....Holy shit. I guess I’m just replaying the moment of diagnosis in my head and my brain has wired that memory in SO firmly that I EXPECT it to happen again. Irrational.
Please bear with me as I go through the tests tomorrow and ride that whole rollercoaster and fall apart (or not). I have been waiting until I felt ‘ready’ ‘stronger’ or something before I wrote back here again, to all of you rad women <3 Because I wanted to be more coherent and do justice to the things that were said to me when I was in a very dangerous place a few weeks ago. But I realised today that there isn’t a ‘ready’. You just get on with it. Trust yourself. Be vulnerable. Go there.
Xoxo
36 Replies
- *drools*
- @sister and @"Annie C" Ill get the recipe out tonight and post it for you!! youll love it, i just bought some cheap containers from kmart and put it in that, ive also done a tia maria one, and a couple others too, big hug, margie xx
- @wendy55 So true :*
- @kmakm, thank you, I have read your story and can truly understand where you have been and where you are going,I have just been listening to some music, it calms my mind and soul, there are no right or wrong answers here, we are all in the same boat, its just that some of us are in a faster boat than others and we just adjust our sails as we need to .
wendy55 - @wendy55 Well done. I love your calm presence here on the forum Wendy. You seem to me to perfectly embody the strength and vulnerability of breast cancer. You know yourself and own it. A fabulous example. K xox
- Hi to all of the ladies above,I can only say, yes, I am in the same position, mental health wise, I have all the support I need, my partner is wonderful,and YET, the tears have been pretty close by the last couple of weeks, no real reason, except of course metastatic breast cancer,5 years down the road, I have isolated myself as well,I am an introvert by nature and what is termed as having a highly sensitive pysche I,to have all sorts of techniques to put in place when things go wrong, like, you @zoffiel, I dont do crowds, waiting or queues, I think its because I like to be in control, plus of course living in a rural community means I dont have to deal with a lot of people, I live in a beautiful area, have a lovely home,everything I need, and yet, it still feels like something is missing, I just have to say to myself, this too will pass, and it does, its just the days in between that are hard, just as well I dont like ice cream, however, Daryl Lea Chocolate covered liquorice bullets, come a pretty close second, my remedy apart from the liquorice bullets is simply just to be - let it wash over me, get it out of my system as best as I can and tomorrow is another day, I am not wonder woman, I live life in the slow lane now and I am rather enjoying it, I make no apologies for not being able to do stuff or go places, I am me,
I have wanted to get this out of me for a few days and after reading the previous posts, I felt strong enough to do so,
thank you ladies,
wendy55 - @onemargie
Please please please can I have the recipe? Ah bugger it here comes the Kimberley manners. I WANT the recipe (please). - Hmmmm! Gelati!...
- @Afraser my hubby is with u - obsessed with that flavour. I’m more of a gelato Messina sorbet person but I don’t eat it very often.
- Recipe please @onemargie
