Eve of yearly follow up tests; anxious AF; update in general
hi everyone
i have been on a slightly higher dose of antidepressants for a couple of weeks now and have been to see my psychologist and psychiatrist and I am in a state of ? semi-okayness? Put it this way, I’m planning things that embrace living instead of dying, even though my heart doesn’t fully connect with what I’m doing it all for just yet. I’m pushing on because the chemistry is keeping me afloat until I one day might actually FEEL honestly good and MEAN it again one day soon. Complicated shit. I know you can relate!
To say ive been searching my soul for answers to why I have been suicidally depressed is a massive understatement. I have come to seeking further mental health diagnoses from the shrinks in a bid to understand why I am like this. It’s not just the breast cancer fallout. It’s more than that. I’m on the trail and that’s a work in progress.
I have been walking a lot. Knitting. Hanging out with dogs. Baking things I shouldn’t eat. I’ve withdrawn from the world to live in the safest space I can find for a while and I think it’s been good for me( despite what all the judgey-misunderstanding friends say to me “you’re so isolated, do this do that”). Sometimes you have to go awol. And face up to grief.
Anyway. I’m here today to say it’s my yearly mammogram and ultrasound tomorrow and the reality of being in the room in the blue robe and the cold gel and the pain of the scar tissue squished in the steel plates is scary as fuck!
I will get through it.
But i have the Dread.
The dread of seeing the U/S tech pause...go over the same spot with the scope...go slower over that spot...ask the other doctor to come take a look....Holy shit. I guess I’m just replaying the moment of diagnosis in my head and my brain has wired that memory in SO firmly that I EXPECT it to happen again. Irrational.
Please bear with me as I go through the tests tomorrow and ride that whole rollercoaster and fall apart (or not). I have been waiting until I felt ‘ready’ ‘stronger’ or something before I wrote back here again, to all of you rad women <3 Because I wanted to be more coherent and do justice to the things that were said to me when I was in a very dangerous place a few weeks ago. But I realised today that there isn’t a ‘ready’. You just get on with it. Trust yourself. Be vulnerable. Go there.
Xoxo
i have been on a slightly higher dose of antidepressants for a couple of weeks now and have been to see my psychologist and psychiatrist and I am in a state of ? semi-okayness? Put it this way, I’m planning things that embrace living instead of dying, even though my heart doesn’t fully connect with what I’m doing it all for just yet. I’m pushing on because the chemistry is keeping me afloat until I one day might actually FEEL honestly good and MEAN it again one day soon. Complicated shit. I know you can relate!
To say ive been searching my soul for answers to why I have been suicidally depressed is a massive understatement. I have come to seeking further mental health diagnoses from the shrinks in a bid to understand why I am like this. It’s not just the breast cancer fallout. It’s more than that. I’m on the trail and that’s a work in progress.
I have been walking a lot. Knitting. Hanging out with dogs. Baking things I shouldn’t eat. I’ve withdrawn from the world to live in the safest space I can find for a while and I think it’s been good for me( despite what all the judgey-misunderstanding friends say to me “you’re so isolated, do this do that”). Sometimes you have to go awol. And face up to grief.
Anyway. I’m here today to say it’s my yearly mammogram and ultrasound tomorrow and the reality of being in the room in the blue robe and the cold gel and the pain of the scar tissue squished in the steel plates is scary as fuck!
I will get through it.
But i have the Dread.
The dread of seeing the U/S tech pause...go over the same spot with the scope...go slower over that spot...ask the other doctor to come take a look....Holy shit. I guess I’m just replaying the moment of diagnosis in my head and my brain has wired that memory in SO firmly that I EXPECT it to happen again. Irrational.
Please bear with me as I go through the tests tomorrow and ride that whole rollercoaster and fall apart (or not). I have been waiting until I felt ‘ready’ ‘stronger’ or something before I wrote back here again, to all of you rad women <3 Because I wanted to be more coherent and do justice to the things that were said to me when I was in a very dangerous place a few weeks ago. But I realised today that there isn’t a ‘ready’. You just get on with it. Trust yourself. Be vulnerable. Go there.
Xoxo
